Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » An Inordinate Fondness

   
Author Topic: An Inordinate Fondness
cantgetnosleep
New Member
Member # 8932

 - posted      Profile for cantgetnosleep   Email cantgetnosleep         Edit/Delete Post 
Hello all,

Here's the current first two paragraphs of my novel. I'd love to hear some feedback.

[A REVISED VERSION IS POSTED BELOW]

For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This left the enormous building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.


[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 20, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 21, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2009).]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi. Comments are in bold (if I can get the code to work),

quote:
For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. I like this Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. I don't know what a metric is, but I can get an in-context definition, so it's fine. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This is where I got confused. What is the "Greater Authority"? What are "the heights"? Does "dreaming of work" mean literally dreaming about work? This left the enormous building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.

Daphne stalked down to the transport layer, and upon arriving at the small apartment she shared with her husband, she paced between the sandbox and the couch until she was an hour late. Now I'm confused again. I thought she was living alone in the abandoned building. She lives in an appartment with a husband?



Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cantgetnosleep
New Member
Member # 8932

 - posted      Profile for cantgetnosleep   Email cantgetnosleep         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the comment. What the heights are and what the Greater Authority is becomes clear a little later down the page--at least, I think it does. I can definitely see how the jump from the office to home feels a little abrupt. I made a couple small changes, and I also included the next paragraph because this will probably answer some of those questions. Sorry if this is breaking the 13-line rule. I will certainly not expect anybody to read past the first 13-lines, but it might help to make the passage clear.

Revision:


For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This left the enormous office building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2009).]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tchernabyelo
Member
Member # 2651

 - posted      Profile for tchernabyelo   Email tchernabyelo         Edit/Delete Post 
For me, your problems are summed up by one sentence:
"Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her."

Why not show us that, instead of telling us in one bald, empty sentence? This is a novel, you have words aplenty to involve us with character, to dazzle us with detail... but that sentence reads like part of a synopsis.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
My next comment was going to be something very similar to tchern's. I like the opening couple sentences. I think you can get away with a bit of narration at the very start of a story (although some people disagree with me). After those 1-2 sentences you need to slow it down, though. Instead of explaining what those words mean further down the page, find a way to introduce and explain them at the same time. Have some action or some dialogue, or even just more of her opinion about it. As tchern pointed out, this is a novel. You have lots of time/words to get it all out.

If all the action/dialogue/story starts on the next page and you are rushing through this "boring" part to get to the good stuff, I would suggest cutting it and starting where the story does. You could always work this information in later.


Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cantgetnosleep
New Member
Member # 8932

 - posted      Profile for cantgetnosleep   Email cantgetnosleep         Edit/Delete Post 
Ooops. I see I was busted by the moderator for posting too many lines. Sorry. I'll be a little more careful about that.

In response to the comments:

First off, thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback. Yeah, pretty much in the third paragraph the scene becomes more concrete. I found myself flashing back or explaining the setup, and I thought I'd try having a bit of narrative summary to lead into the scene. But maybe I don't have that luxury. Or maybe I should just unfold those paragraphs into more concrete settings.

The idea is, and this is not at all clear without reading the rest of the scene, to show the flow from her office, to her apartment, into the sandbox, and then to the heights. And I was worried that if I anchored the reader to concretely into the first the office and the apartment, this would be jarring. But maybe it's worse using narrative summary.

wrt the terms like "Greater Authority" and "the heights." My intent by throwing those out there early was to raise the question in the reader's mind as to what those terms mean. I thought by context that Greater Authority would be fairly clear--that it is some kind of ruling body--but it's always hard to know what's clear to the reader and what isn't when you're close to the story.

I would be curious to get comments from either of you (or anyone else) on the scene in its entirety. It's about 3 pages long. If you're willing, let me know and I can email a pdf or word doc or post it on my website.

[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 22, 2009).]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScardeyDog
Member
Member # 8707

 - posted      Profile for ScardeyDog   Email ScardeyDog         Edit/Delete Post 
Sure, send it to me. It might take a while for me to get it back to you though - I have four Christmas celebrations in the next four days.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
stutson
Member
Member # 8884

 - posted      Profile for stutson   Email stutson         Edit/Delete Post 
Re: Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This left the enormous office building utterly empty except for her...

Maybe turn this tale-telling into her reaction to the facts, like you did in the sentence right before. It would carry the flow more smoothly while getting more into her head. Something like:
"She abhorred the new Greater Authority slogan she was supposed to practice, "dreaming of work",...


Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2