(Also, note this: I am well aware of the word count and a few reviewers made me see that it will indeed be difficult to sell a book this large) However, I came to the conclusion that I need to write a few smaller ones first and try getting those published, and then try my hand at THIS one.

Thank you; your reviewes are greatly appreciated. =]

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New Query Revised #1

Professor Hicks has a profane power and will stop at nothing to drive ten students mad. Hicks is a prototype, an experiment gone horribly wrong, created by Dr. William Creed—Creed tried perfecting the human race, but failed—and now Creed realizes that he had accidentally unleashed a supernatural entity.

EYE OF A SHADOW is my 215,000 word Mystery novel taking place in the quiet town of Kingsbridge, Virginia. With the mysterious death of their former calculus professor, Christopher Lee, three Kingsbridge students, Devon Chambers, Kameron Ramos, and Matthew Gibson are in for quite a surprise when Professor Jonathon Hicks takes over. Now, months, days, maybe even hours away from their inevitable death, they can’t help but think that Hicks isn’t human, nor does he have any teaching history, family, or friends. Matthew Gibson was hiding important, life-saving information for far too long: he attended Harvard University a year ago and left in fear. But why would he leave the greatest college in the world? It had something to do with Matthew’s experiences, dealing with Hicks himself; and Hicks, they realize, isn’t who he appears to be, but he is also far different from how Matthew remembers him. However, as semester two comes to an end, Devon, Kameron, and Matt are about to discover the devastating truth.

(The formula, as outlined by Natalie Collins at http://www.readersroom.com/2006/02/writing-killer-query.html goes like this:

1. Hook
2. Book description/mini-synopsis
3. Genre, word count, market
4. Your credentials
5. Ending

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Professor Hicks has a profane power and will stop at nothing to drive ten students mad. Hicks is a prototype, an experiment gone horribly wrong, created by Dr. William Creed—Creed tried perfecting the human race, but failed—and now Creed realizes that he had accidentally unleashed a supernatural entity.

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This makes it seem like either Hicks or Creed are the MC, but from what I read below, I don't think they are. Start with the MC. That is the one we care about in the story.

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EYE OF A SHADOW is my 215,000 word Mystery novel taking place in the quiet town of Kingsbridge, Virginia. (cut out the location and the story is a little on the long side) With the mysterious death of their former calculus professor, Christopher Lee, three Kingsbridge students, Devon Chambers, Kameron Ramos, and Matthew Gibson are in for quite a surprise when Professor Jonathon Hicks takes over. I am thinking that one of these three is the MC. Pick one and focus on him/her. Now, months, days, maybe even hours away from their inevitable death, (cut the begining of this sentence) they can’t help but think that Hicks isn’t human, (why do they think he isn't human? Why would they know their professor well enough to even question this? Give us details) nor does he have any teaching history, family, or friends. Why would they investigate into this? How did this guy get hired if he has no history? Matthew Gibson was hiding important, life-saving information for far too long: he attended Harvard University a year ago and left in fear. But why would he leave the greatest college in the world? This part about Mathew is a bit random. I would cut it It had something to do with Matthew’s experiences, dealing with Hicks himself; and Hicks, they realize, isn’t who he appears to be, but he is also far different from how Matthew remembers him. So Mathew knew Hicks at Harvard? How? However, as semester two comes to an end, Devon, Kameron, and Matt are about to discover the devastating truth. The last sentence is vague and tells us nothing, IMO

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I think this query needs to focus on the MC and what is his problem and what he has to lose or gain. Also break up the paragraphs. A few white spaces would make this so much easier to read.

edit: I 'll admit that I thought of a certain wizard when I read your query. I can't say if that's enough to re-name a character, but if you're going to market this to sci-fi and fantasy people (particularly people who would know movies), it may be wise.

I did not know he was the name of a person, but I might just change the name anyway.
I have to change A LOT in this already. I just recently found out I have to literally change the entire setting of it taking place in a University. I have never even been in one, how the heck am I to know what goes on in one and how one is laid out? I have the whole setting set and stone with a high school, more particularly. So, yea, i'm probably going to go back and change all that in there, by using the find and replace feature, and then i have to change the dean and a few other things, too. I should have thought about that before starting the book, but it is yet again biting me in the butt.

I wish I had been this ambitious with my writing when I was in High School. Yeah, I started writing earlier than that, but I never had the added benefit of a writer's group like Hatrack. You're on the right road.

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I should have thought about that before starting the book

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Here you couldn't be more wrong. I think that if you had thought of the things that were critiqued before you wrote your story, your story would never have been written. I am of the opinion that writing the tale is the easy part. The hard parts are honing it, pitching it, selling it, and marketing it. For many authors the time spent on getting their finished draft to print have been far longer than the time spent writing it.

You have written a good story from your heart that means something to you. That's where we all start, I think, writing to ourselves (maybe some select friends). Part of sharing your work with strangers, however, allows you to learn what works and what doesn't; where the redundancies are; where the inconsistencies lie.

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...I did most everything everyone told me in the other thread

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Noble, for sure, but at the end of the day your story will improve because you want it too, not because of anything someone else suggests.

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...if anyone can think of a good name...

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Here you couldn't be more wrong. I think that if you had thought of the things that were critiqued before you wrote your story, your story would never have been written. I am of the opinion that writing the tale is the easy part. The hard parts are honing it, pitching it, selling it, and marketing it. For many authors the time spent on getting their finished draft to print have been far longer than the time spent writing it.

You have written a good story from your heart that means something to you. That's where we all start, I think, writing to ourselves (maybe some select friends). Part of sharing your work with strangers, however, allows you to learn what works and what doesn't; where the redundancies are; where the inconsistencies lie.

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Amen! The creative writing is the easy part. Making it so wonderful other people see and feel what you felt writing it is the hard part. Don't give up though, because I like your idea.