posted
The first 13 of the prologue to a work I have in progress. Any feedback would be welcome. If anyone is interested in test reading, I have this plus a few more chapters written. Thanks so much everyone!
On board the FHS Orion (CVS -77)
The red phone buzzing interrupted Captain Viktor Lenvov as he took the first bite of the dinner that his cook had prepared for him. His cook was good, keeping his diet healthy while still catering to his tastes; namely the timeless classic of a good cheese and pepperoni pizza.
Moving across the small distance to his desk, Lenvov answered the phone brusquely, "This is the Captain."
His Executive Officer, commonly called the XO, said, "Captain, this is the XO on the bridge. Sir, we've picked up an unknown contact. Tracking indicates it originated far from Hegemony space. Sir, it's transmitting a message."
His dinner forgotten, Lenvov left his cabin and rushed through the passageways.
[This message has been edited by CS Mann (edited December 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by CS Mann (edited December 12, 2009).]
posted
I'm almost immediately disinterested with the mention of cheese and pepperoni pizza, to be honest. It seems an odd way to introduce your main character, unless food figures largely into who he is as a person in the story.
Secondly, I don't think it's necessary for you to say that the XO is called the "XO". I think that it's pretty common knowledge what XO stands for. Same with boatswain. Maybe not a ton of people know how it's pronounced, but it's common enough knowledge that I don't think you need to make those remarks.
All in all, not a bad beginning. Not enough to hook me, though.
posted
I thought the first line was a bit clumsy. "The red phone buzzing interrupted"
I'm not sure of the tenor of the piece, so the only humor is in the pepperoni pizza and it seems out of place without something else. I slip that in a few paragraphs later out of the first 13.
The descriptions of the officers slowed the beginning right down. I'd dispense with them, slipping them in later, if you need them. You can do that by calling the XO by name and titling him later, if need be.
Side notes: use by an author of "as he" or "as she" or "as they" usually suggests that it would be better to have a separate sentence. If what the captain is eating is important to the story than let the reader know pepperoni pizza is his favorite. I also don't think you need "cheese & pepperoni", pepperoni is understood to have cheese. Now if there's extra cheese that's a horse of a different color.
The next part is awkward. I think the officer protocol needs work. Captain and sir in two subsequent sentences sounds contrived, unless the XO is a nervous wreck when it comes to speaking to his captain. Try something like this:
"Sir, we've picked up an unknown contact and tracking indicates it originates (your first use of originated indicates the signal is gone when XO is talking to the captain, don't think this is your intent, especially when you follow up with transmitting) far from Hegemony space. It's transmitting a message."
"What's the message, XO?" The captain didn't like asking questions...(I got this from my first impression of the captain as someone who is rigid, but it also introduces XO without a lot of the repeats.
posted
I'm former Navy so I like the setting and would read on.
I agree with the above comments. My main pullouts were with qualifying the XO and boatswain comments. Spell it out as normal, don't qualify them, and simply insert 'XO' and 'B'son' and 'Cap'n' into your dialogue...the reader will reader will be smart enough to figure it out.
Also, it is a good idea to leave your original 13 up there and simply edit in a second revised 13 in the same post so that the critters can see the changes that were made and the following posts all make sense to late comers that want to add.
other notes:
quote:The red phone buzzing interrupted Captain Viktor
-The "ing" word throws off my sense of Tense.
quote:namely the timeless classic of a good cheese and pepperoni pizza.
-Why not just say he was interrupted while eating pizza. Maybe it will come into play later but I am not sure where an entire sentence about his cooks menu advances the story or the main character...other than he likes pizza...and who doesn't?
quote:answered the phone brusquely
-instead of using -ly words let the dialogue tell us how us the mood/emotion of the character, just a silly example but something like "This better be important. I'm in the middle of dinner and I hate cold pizza."
posted
In these days of cell phones carried a la Star Trek on your body, why am I picturing an old-fashioned red desk phone sitting a ways away on a desk?
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