posted
This is the current first 13. I am specifically interested in comments on the narrative voice; it's first person and the entire (100k or so) novel will be told by this narrator, so it's important to get the style balanced between quirky/interesting and not-too-irritating.
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You must understand, it was never my intention to kill Esteban Carrillo. It was an accident; nothing more. It was a hot day, and my hands were slick with sweat, and the gnomon was heavy. I heard Maistre Pointcaré shout – a warning, perhaps – even as I flailed helplessly. The scaffold under my feet swayed alarmingly and, had I not managed to get one of the ropes hooked around my arm, I would have followed the gnomon down, all hundred and twenty spans to the piazza below. The piazza, and Esteban. It was, I think, quick, which I have been told is a mercy. The gnomon was five spans long, and made of cast iron, and weighed perhaps thirty or forty livres.
posted
I like the voice so far. While the large number of "ands" would normally put me off a little it works here. I think a person justifying such an accident would pile on the qualifiers to prove his case.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
I think you're on the right track with the narrator's voice. And there's plenty of "hooky" suspense and vivid imagery. It definitely left me interested to read more.
A couple quibbles. You use "It was..." three times in the first paragraph. I would look at rephrasing that somehow. The first two don't bother me. They have a nice sense of repetition. But the third time feels awkward.
Also, using the word gnomon without any type of contextual clues is a little distracting. It's an obscure word, and I'm left wondering what the word means. I looked it up, and learned a new word, which is cool, but perhaps you may not want to send the reader to the dictionary in the first paragraph. I guess what I'm saying is that if you provided context or used a word most readers would understand you would be more likely to evoke an image.
posted
The "gnomon" is actually in this instance a clock-hand, not a sundial pointer, and I'm still trying to find a good term that works in context.
Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I think perhaps you can just use the word pointer or hand and remain archaic. Cheap example: ...my hands were slick with sweat and the cast iron hand intended to count down the minutes on the face of Maistre Pointcare's clock was heavy. All forty livres and five spans of it.
As far as commenting on the narrative voice. Not to take away from your style, because I actually like this as it mostly reads, but starting with "You must..." implies the second person and not the first person. Perhaps starting with "Understand, it was never my intention..." would leave the "you" part unseen and therefore unnoticed by the reader, only understood.
posted
I prefer to let it with the 2nd person there. It reads differently when i read that, i mean he is a guy explaining to me why he killed someone and he sounds like this guy who was caught in the act and owes an explanation...i dunno,i prefer that 2nd person.
And i agree,change the word gnomon... i was like wtf is that,but kept reading nonetheless, figured it was something big, but still... change it.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited December 25, 2009).]
posted
Tchern, the only real fault I find with the voice is it's a little dry. There's no personality, feeling or immediacy. Would he or she really think of it as blandly as a "gnomon"? If it's the hand of a clock, is it a "giant second-hand" "huge hour-hand"?
Please take no offense at my example, but I don't know how else to articulate:
I didn't mean to kill Esteban Carrillo with a giant second hand. It was an accident. My hands were sweat-slick from a long day under the hot sun, and the cast iron pointer was awkward enough to hold. Maistre Pointcaré's shouting, unclear over my knocking heart, jangled my nerves as the rickety scaffolding swayed under my feet. Only hooking my arms around a pulley rope saved me from plumeting behind the spear-tipped tongue of iron toward the distant piazza below--and Esteban. I pray that the poor b@stard's end was quick, and for my own absolution.
I hope this helps some.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 27, 2009).]
posted
I like the voice, but I don't trust the mc. Is that what you are going for?
I have no problem with the term gnomon as long as that is what te MC would call it. I would like a better picture of what is going on, maybe some reference to him fixing a clock. That might help those who don't know what a gnomon is, which I think is most people including me.
quote:You must understand, it was never my intention to kill Esteban Carrillo. It was an accident;(use comma instead of semicolon) nothing more.
My only nit. Good luck with this, sounds interesting.
posted
Thanks to all for the comments. The "dryness" is semi-intentional - the narrator is, frankly, the fantasy equivalent of a bit of a geek, and though there should be some humour in the novel, it is at least in part intended from the reader's view of the narrator. Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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