posted
This is the first 13 of a prologue to my current project.
The old Soulcaster stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees. With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull. The grass beneath his feet withered and died. Life energy coursed up his legs spreading through his aching body releaving him of pain, revitilizing him. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring more of the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees. The Soulcaster flexed, testing the strength of his youthful body, smiled maliciously and walked toward the hamlet.
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 26, 2009).]
posted
I really like this trailmix! I would definitely read on -- and I'm not even a really a fan of fantasy (I'm a scifi buff). You have good characterization, good incorporation of the speculative element, and a nice hook (the malicious smile). I also like the name "Soulcaster". Definitely intrigued me. Nice job!
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited December 27, 2009).]
posted
There's a nice feel to this, but I have a couple of problems with it. The process seems, frankly, very easy - if someone can rejuvenate himself just by killing a circle of vegetation, then you have a real problem unless very very few people can do this (and you have to have a cogent rationale as to why).
I don't like the "malicious" smile, particularly, it makes him feel like a pantomime villain - we've seen him heal himself, but we haven't had any real internal thoughts beyond the process he uses. Does HE think of his smile as malicious? It makes the POV a touch unclear.
And finally, relieving and revitalizing are both misspelled.
posted
Thanks for the critiques. Actually the old Soulcaster is on his way to murder the only other Soulcaster left in the world. Good point on the POV. The Soulcaster would not think of it as malicious. I changed a couple lines in this version. What do you think?
The old Soulcaster stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees. With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull. The grass beneath his feet withered and died. Life energy coursed up his legs spreading through his aching body relieving him of pain, revitalizing him. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring more of the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees and consuming them as well. The Soulcaster flexed, testing the strength of his youthful body. With a satisfied grin he walked toward the hamlet.
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 27, 2009).]
The once immortal god Venaroc stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees. With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull. The grass beneath his feet withered and died. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees and consuming them as well. As death poured outward, life energy coursed up his legs and distended to fill the vacancy. He could feel the skin of his face tighten and the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 29, 2009).]
posted
The first draft sounded fairly interesting, as a nameless someone draws life energy into himself. I liked it mostly for the magic system.
The third draft makes it very clear what exactly he intends to do and who he is. I love the clarity, because it adds to the emotion and tension. I'd read on to find out if he would succeed and what would come of it. It sets the stage for a good conflict.
posted
Personally, the reveal that the POV character is a God is a turn-off for me, but that's nothing to do with your writing per se.
This version is much clearer (arguably too clear...) in telling us who the POV character is and what he wants to do and why. I am puzzled, again, though; if he can rejuvenate himself so easily, why would he have allowed himself to become old and arthritic in the first place?
posted
Instant de-rejuvenation? Like in spiderman, where the winged dude aged in an instant if he didn't juice up. Personally,i kinda prefer the first one. As the above poster, you might show the fact that he is a god through dialog, rather than exposition. It would make for a more interesting moment. But these, of course, are just my 2 eurocents.
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