posted
This is my first major rewrite for my Panix Gavid novel.
Second Try:
Panix fidgeted in his seat in anticipation of his first orientation seminar at the Morwen Academy. He observed the other students waiting for the instructor to begin in the chill of the ancient stone-built lecture hall. Most were in their late teens or early twenties.
"The utilization of magic is no different from other trades," the instructor began. "A mastercraftsman uses his muscles and his brains. A master magician uses his talent and his brains. You collect your power here," she drew her fist to her breasts. "And then you let it flow through your fingers to the object. Heart to Hands." She brought her hand out and spread her fingers.
First Try:
Panix Gavid fidgeted in his seat in anticipation of his first orientation seminar at the Morwen Academy.
"The utilization of magic is no different from other trades," the instructor began. "A mastercraftsman uses his physical talent. A master magician uses his magical talent. You collect your power here," she drew her fist to her breasts. "And then you let it flow through your fingers to the object. Heart to Hands." She brought her hand out and spread her fingers.
"Why is restricted to smaller things? Why can't a wizard make a whole field grow beautiful flowers?" a stunning golden haired young woman asked the instructor. Panix instinctively sat up a bit straighter and pushed back his straight black hair.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited December 09, 2009).]
posted
Manybe its just the limitations of seeing only the first 13 but I hope this passage is followed up by a good description of the school, what it's like, how he got in and so forth. The dialogue is pretty good and straight forward and I clearly see the MC as someone who wants to do bigger things with his magic, but they're talking in a vacuum. You've told us its a school and so forth but I want to have enough info to paint that picture in my head.
I did have a hard time getting past his name. It made me pause and read it again, and pause again before pushing forward. Maybe cause its so unusual and you drop it in right in the first line. Could be my own personal bias, check with other people before you go and change it.
The dialogue is good (I love "heart to hands" ) and I can picture the instructor, talking with her hands as she teaches. But I can't picture the class. Are there hundreds of students or only a few? Are they young or university age? Right now I'm picturing Harry Potter. (Please don't be insulted) Since I don't have any description to go on I take from what I know, which is HP and University classes mixed together. Maybe all of this comes out in the next paragraph, in which case ignore my comments.
posted
I like it much better than the prologue of the first version.
I'd leave out Panix' last name. If it's his POV, he'd just think of himself as Panix. Maybe tell us a little about why he's fidgeting. This isn't exactly the way he experiences magic, if I remember right and he's not completely sure he wants to be here--until he meets the girl.
posted
In this case it might read better if you describe the setting (Morwen Academy's lecture hall) first then move on to the MC.
Example: The bleak stone-built lecture hall at Morwen Academy was crowded with students. (I just got the impression it was bleak, as lecture halls usually are, take it or leave. I also assumed it to be crowded since this is orientation. Lecture halls are usually emptier during the academic year).
By the way, I don't think "first orientation" is necessary, since "orientation" is usually a one time event.
Since you mention an academy and students I don't think it necessary to say they are either "in late teens, or early twenties" as this is usually understood when talking about college age environment. Rarely does one picture middle-age or older folks when the word "students" is used. Just my observation, since your use of the word "academy" indicates a college or university setting. This also leaves you a couple of more available lines for your first 13...Now, of course, if Panix is some kind of prodigy and is younger than most, you should clear this up right away.
I, too, enjoyed the dialog presentation of the lecturer. Very clear image of character's personality. However, just one nit: would a female professor utilize "his" as she speaks, or would she use "her"? I understand "A mastercraftsman uses his physical talent," but perhaps the next line should read "A master magician uses her magical talent..." since I assume a female wizard would think (therefore speak) in gender. Anyone else have a take on this?
posted
The revision address my specific points, but it doesn't feel as well written as the rest. Could you couch that information more in his POV? It might just be the use of the word "observed" that is bugging me. Sorry, I don't know how to describe it.
As to the his/her: I think if she starts with "his", stay with it. Switching to "her" implies all magicians are female (at least to me). Maybe if there is a gender bias (are most magicians male or female or is it equal?) choose the pronoun that works best.
Why isn’t this working? (Only my opinion, of course)
No good segue between the two paragraphs. In fact, I think the second paragraph demonstrating magic would make a much better opening with the segue THERE being Panix’s reaction to THAT rather than his gazing around the room.
posted
I think arriki's right - the segue's missing in v2. Since he's in observation mode, could he be observing the instructor as well as the students? What was it that the instructor was doing prior to the beginning of class? Setting up notes, talking to students, checking his watch? I'm always incredibly self-conscious of the fact that I'm standing in front of a lecture hall when I'm procrastinating until class begins, so usually I find something to do that keeps me busy (so it looks like I arrived early on purpose). What the instructor does to pass time could be incredibly informative about the way the school/society works.
Also, I'm feeling an odd juxtaposition between Panix fidgeting in anticipation (in which case I'd expect his attention to be on the instructor) and his gazing around at the fellow students. In addition to their ages, is he maybe also gauging their reactions as they wait? Are they impatient, worried, bored, off in their own little worlds? Does he feel like one of them or does he feel alienated already?
posted
The transition between the first and second paragraphs didn't bother me. But I was left feeling like I wanted maybe another sentence of description, perhaps about the instructor, or maybe just a little more about the room.
Also, a small point: "He observed the other students..." isn't very exciting. I would suggest either using this to say more about his emotional state; i.e., show how he felt as he observed the students; or just get rid of the "he observed," and say something like, "Panix fidgeted in his seat in anticipation of his first orientation seminar at the Morwen Academy. Most of the other students waiting for the instructor to begin were in their late teens or early twenties."
Of course, you'd have to find a spot to work the "in the chill of the ancient stone-built" somewhere.
posted
The second version is more crisp and tight than the first. I'm intrigued to learn more about the system of magic. I echo cantgetnosleep's suggestion for sharpening the opening.
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