posted
Right now (second draft phase) this is at about 75k. It starts with a little exposition, and I'm trying to decide if that's good or bad (plunges right into some of the main plot's action in the next part), so let me know if you'd keep reading, considering this beginning (hoping I got this 13-line thing right; following the "fill the browser box" suggestion):
The Families are more like an ocean than people. They come and they go, bringing with them all manner of things from the lands beyond the tiny town of Hanfield. They deposit their little seashells, trinkets and stories, and take with them everything left open on the shores. They are fluid and they are varied. Some weeks they are many and some weeks they are few. Some weeks they are a blessing and some weeks they are a right pain in the neck. Most people in Hanfield believe that the town can't survive without them. Though they like to say that they're a quiet little town and treasure for their independence and uniqueness, they'll admit that without the life that the Families bring, they'd soon get cabin fever and leave for one of the few remaining cities.
posted
If this story will be written in the first person as your line "...they are a right pain in the neck" suggests it will be, then you are on the right track. If not, then I think you should replace that phrase with the word "curse".
Is this meant to be more of a prologue?
Using the ocean analogy is excellent, however, I don't read it as consistent. Example: "They come and go" does not do the analogy justice, like, say, "they ebb and flow" would.
Also, if when you mention trinkets and stories as "little seashells" you should perhaps separate that phrase with hyphens: "...their little seashells -- trinkets and stories -- and take with them..."
Whatever you do keep the analogy consistent, is all. Now, if I'm wrong in how I read this than I apologize, but even that would tell you I couldn't follow what you wrote.
I would like to know more about where you are going with this and look forward to any rewrite.
posted
I bought the first paragraph, I think it created a nice image. I think the continued exposition on the second paragraph was too much for me though. I want a character, at the very least, considering that this is the first page of your manuscript (see other discussions on first 13s to explain yada yada) and need to get sucked in quickly, to have a real reason to turn the page.
If the first page is wholly exposition, I may fear that this is going to read like a nineteenth century saga and exposition and backstory will fill the first five chapters before the actual action starts. Thus I will stop reading.
posted
Good call on ebb and flow; I'll change that. It isn't written in first person, but it's written in limited third -- the third paragraph of this intro brings in the first character, and you find that you're (at least at the moment) reading his opinions.
quote:If the first page is wholly exposition, I may fear that this is going to read like a nineteenth century saga and exposition and backstory will fill the first five chapters before the actual action starts. Thus I will stop reading.
I was afraid of that. It doesn't go on for that long, but it does continue a little -- the exposition is about four paragraphs, so maybe two and a half times the length of the first thirteen I posted. After that, it starts right in. Is that too much, or is that length bearable?
quote:I was afraid of that. It doesn't go on for that long, but it does continue a little -- the exposition is about four paragraphs, so maybe two and a half times the length of the first thirteen I posted. After that, it starts right in. Is that too much, or is that length bearable?
Speaking for myself only, I've seen it work. But it has to be really good. Look at the beginning of Patrick Rothfuss' NAME OF THE WIND. You don't get to a character until the third silence--and then you don't get his name, just that the third silence is his. But that's enough to intrigue the reader. At least, it sure did me.
Don't go on too long and make sure you're giving the reader something to pull them on.
Besides, this is a novel at 75,000 words. You get a little more time in a novel to let things develop than in a short story--not too much, but a little.
posted
I like the ocean analogy as well, especially the "some weeks..." repetitions that give the feel of waves.
The amount of exposition works for me so far, and I'm one that doesn't have much patience of a lot of descriptive writing. I'm not sure I'd want a full page of it. At the least, I'd want to know more about what's going to happen in the book besides the Families coming and going.
Some small suggestions:
Is Hanfield actually on the ocean? I was unclear whether the part about taking "everything left open on the shores" was literal or analogical.
I think you want to say "treasure it for its independence and uniqueness" or "treasure their independence and uniqueness."
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