Should I even strive for more emotional writing, or is my style fine as is?

VERSION 3

Earth: Territory 7, district 15.

Clay casually glanced both ways down the long street, watching out for speeding hover cars. Then, while crossing the street, a squawk from above pierced the dead sky. He shot his gaze up and spotted an alter. Prior to this, Clay and two of his buddies were shooting the breeze while walking home from school in downtown New York, one of the few old cities that retained its name. Now Clay cupped a hand over his eyes as he stared upward, past a few slim flycars and bulky boosters.

Boss nudged him. “Hey, dufus, watcha looking at?”

Still focused on the alter, Clay pointed into the gray sky.

“No way, I thought those were illegal,” John said.

VERSION 2

Earth: Territory 7, district 15.

Clay looked both ways for oncoming hover cars before crossing the street, and then glanced up upon hearing a squawk. Prior to this, Clay and two of his buddies were shooting the breeze while walking home from school in downtown New York, one of the few old cities that retained its name. Now Clay cupped a hand over his eyes as he looked up past a few slim flycars and bulky boosters.

Boss nudged him. “Hey, dufus, watcha looking at?”

Clay pointed into the gray sky at an alter.

“No way, I thought those were illegal,” John said.

“Nah,” Clay said, “not if you have a permit.”

Boss leaned closer to Clay. “Yeah, and who in the hell can get a permit?”

VERSION 1

Clay and two of his buddies were walking home from school when Clay stopped in the middle of the street and looked up.

Boss nudged him. “Hey, dufus, watcha looking at?”

Clay cupped a hand over his eyes and squinted into the gray sky while pointing up.

“No way, I thought those were illegal,” John said.

“Nah,” Clay said, “not if you have a permit.”

“It’s hella hard to get one,” Boss said.

True, Clay thought, so who in district 15 actually had a permit?

Because he was fascinated with technology, and had never seen an altered bird besides in holographic magazines, he watched the bird fly, then soar into traffic, and dodge flying cars.

SOME INFO. The novel starts with a quote from a ficticious book, History of the Bramana, and it ends with one from the same book.

Here is the opening quote.

The evening before they were forced to travel to the dangerous planet known as Agukas, a terrible thing had happened that would forever change their lives. Clay ended up becoming a different man.
—History of the Brahmana

It is a plant, and I think it makes the ending stronger, but I might have to ditch it. I don't know.

THE BLURB

Clay and his sister are forced to live on planet Agukas, where his sister is wronged, and where Clay is determined to find the alien responsible. At t he same time, a powerful business man struggles against the native, pink-eyed Agija and the dangerous giants, in order to harvest a valuable, mind altering drug. But Clay gets side tracked by living with the Agija, and there he learns mysteries that challenge all his beliefs, including the strange relationship between the Agija and the trees. “From the trees we come, and to the trees we return,” so the Agija say. The Agija also say, the Bramana would return one day, but these are just myths, right?

[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited February 01, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited February 02, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited February 02, 2010).]

parts of your blurb are deja vu'ing me in regards to a movie I saw a little while ago...and thats being discussed in "open discussions"

Not clear whether the altered bird is rare or not. (Need a permit for one, but implies lots of bootlegged ones. Never seen one before.)

A little confusing about walking in the road, but the traffic is flying above. Maybe that's intentional and will get resolved later.

"he watched the bird fly," seems tame compared to being fascinated with technology. In fact, the only emotion in the dialog is the insulting 'dufus', and that's probably more likely friendly banter.

the blurb has too many outworld words too fast to convey any information.

"While a powerful business man struggles against the native, pink-eyed Agija and the giant Amisa-priya, in order to harvest the valuable, mind altering Soma." is not a sentence.

I'd be willing to start reading with a few chapters.

MAP, what about the second version? Any better? I hate starting out with too much description, but I think it works now, even for a first 13.

Bent Tree, I am willing to take you up on that offer, but I have to finish editing a few chapters first.

quote:

---

Clay and two of his buddies were walking home from school in downtown New York, one of the few old cities that retained its name. I would cut the first sentence and start with the second. Clay looked both ways for oncoming hover cars before crossing the street, and then glanced up upon hearing a squawk. I would rearrange this. Have him hear the squawk and then look up He cupped a hand over his eyes as he looked up past a few slim flycars and bulky boosters.

Boss nudged him. “Hey, dufus, watcha looking at?”

Clay pointed into the gray sky. shouldn't he point at the bird in the gray sky, maybe describe a dark shadow in the gray sky.

“No way, I thought those were illegal,” John said.

“Nah,” Clay said, “not if you have a permit.”

“Yeah, and who in the hell can get a permit?” Boss asked.

True, Clay thought, so who in district 15 actually had a permit?

---

I think you could change up a few of the saids with actions, but other than that I like it.

But the new beginning does make the setting clearer, and it makes it clear that this is a sci-fi story set sometime in the distant future of Earth. That's good to know.