posted
My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could speak or at least be seen by someone else. But I suppose that’s the nature of a ghost. Jane often kept me company in the cellar, which was where Sarah chose to keep me as a punishment. I was getting so tired of this crap but too terrified to go to the authorities and definitely too scared to confront Sarah face to face. My seriously psycho mother was entirely too capable of nearly anything for me to feel safe in going to the cops.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I am new and mistakenly put this in Short Stories (sorry). I have some feed back that I am figuring out how to use, but more critiquing would be welcome.
If you are interested in what I have so far, please let me know.
Thanks, and looking forward to working with all of you!
posted
This is interesting, but I am seeing a little inconsistency with the narrative. If this is intentional, then it is awesome, but I am not sure if that is the case with such a small snippet.
quote:My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could speak or at least be seen by someone else.
This part makes Julia seem like a child. She comes across as very innocent and lacking a firm grasp on reality.
quote:But I suppose that’s the nature of a ghost. Jane often kept me company in the cellar, which was where Sarah chose to keep me as a punishment. I was getting so tired of this crap but too terrified to go to the authorities and definitely too scared to confront Sarah face to face. My seriously psycho mother was entirely too capable of nearly anything for me to feel safe in going to the cops.
THere is an abrupt change here. Suddenly Julia seems a lot more mature, more like a teenager.
From this I'm thinking that Julia has some sort of personality disorder. Was that what you intended?
posted
Julia is 10 years old. Her years of abuse (at hands of Sarah - who is NOT real mother, but I hope it will be assumed she is real mother till the end) and natural intelligence, forced solitude (in which she reads far beyond yer years - also shown later in story) make her seem more mature. She is highly intelligent yet naive. The ghost is real but is in reality not her twin but her "real" mother (which we won't find out till towards the end and is crucial to the story). She did have a twin but HE died in childbirth...along with real mother (murdered actually).
Does this clear things up a little? It's hard trying to convey so much in 13 lines... Maybe I need a prologue??? Something with action? ie...Jane showing herself for the first time and walking through a wall or something???
posted
Here is a possible prologue with an account of Julia meeting Jane for the first time... very rough...I just wrote it and it seems off. ----------------------------------------------------------- Sarah’s soft hands were a steel band around my arm. She rushed me down the hall, pushing and pulling me even though I wasn’t resisting. As soon as I realized she was headed for the cellar door I hesitated, not sure what she had in mind. In all of ten seconds she had me locked in the dark and dirty room, smarting from her too-tight grip. It was too much for my six year old brain to comprehend. What did I do? A strange chill at my back made me want to turn around. It was nothing, only the far wall of the cellar, stacked with crates and boxes. Then my eyes were seeing something they shouldn’t. A small girl, about my age, appeared just in front of the wall I’d been looking at only seconds before. It should have frightened me, but something about her made me calm. She looked just like me.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
First of all, I like your idea. I think it has potential.
I liked your opening up to " . . . best friends and sisters." After that, I felt like you were, as the expression goes, "info dumping."
A ten year old would not be using phrases like "and this crap" nor would she be thinking about going to the authorities. A child, as strange as it may seem, would be wondering what she had done to make her "mother" so mad at her and what she would have to do to get her mother to love her. Or, she might even be thinking that she deserves the treatment. Or, the treatment has been long-term and she thinks it is normal.
John Sandford, who writes the "Prey" series of police thrillers, says he never gives any backstory until chapter two. (I've tried doing this and it seems to work well.) His first chapter is non-stop action--he is, after all, writing thrillers, but after a chapter of heart-stopping action, it's nice to have a moment to slow down in the next chapter where he introduces/reintroduces his main character, etc.
I like to think that readers are capable of figuring out things if we just give them a clue here and there, and I, as a reader, like it that way. The trick, of course, if fingering out the fine balance between too much information and not enough. Don't expect to get it right in your first draft.
Finally, dump the prolog. You don't need it.
Keep going. As I said, I like your idea--it is definitely the kind of story I would be interested in reading.
[This message has been edited by Heidi (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
You're right about the age discrepency, I'm trying to "speak" as a child, but I'm an adult...that's hard. I've never been in "her" situation so that's also hard to write from that perspective. I will work on that.
What is info dumping? Is it too much explaining why things are the way they are and not letting it evolve naturally? I tend to narrate too much instead of letting characters speak for themselves...I think.
posted
I re-wrote it to make Julia sound younger...is it too much? I know - still no action...this may be the beginning of the second chapter and I'll save the "crap" and "psycho mother" for when she's older Sooo...if I use this as a second chapter I still need a hook? Still need to work on that.
________________________________________________________________ My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could talk to me and keep me company. She never said anything though. Just came and went when she felt like it. She helped me to not be so scared of Sarah. I had to be careful though because sometimes she’d make faces behind Sarah and I’d want to giggle. That would not be good. Jane was brave, she would have told someone how mean Sarah was if she was alive, but it was just me and I was way too scared. Sarah killed my puppy and I didn’t do anything, so I’m sure she’d do something very bad if I told on her.
posted
I didn't post on the original because I thought MAP pretty much covered the bases, but I wanted to let you know this version is WAAAY better! It sounds like a little girl the whole paragraph through,and I think it is true to the way a young child would think. The only problem is I'm a little confused. Is Sarah the mother? If so, why doesn't she call her mom? Even children that hate their parents don't call them by their first names. I realize you are working this to be the second chapter, so perhaps you'll be able to explain in chapter one. But you'll need a very good reason for a kid to call her mom by her first name.
Unless it is a step parent?
Anyway, I think you've achieved success with this rewrite. Congrats.
posted
I've not read the others in order to try and provide an unbiased first impression. Hope you don't mind.
quote:My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever.(1) It would have been nice if Jane could talk to me and keep me company. She never said anything though. Just came and went when she felt like it. She helped me to not be so(2) scared of Sarah(3). I had to be careful though because sometimes she’d make faces behind Sarah and I’d want to giggle. That would not be good(4). [ Jane was brave, she would have told someone how mean Sarah was if she was alive(5), but it was just me and I was way too scared. Sarah killed my puppy and I didn’t do anything, so I’m sure she’d do something very bad if I told on her. ]
1) This felt like a natural paragraph break.
2) me to not be so scared... seemed... unwieldy.
3) In its current form, as all one paragraph, I feel a little bit overloaded with the barrage of names. I'm fragile that way. Were this sentence with Sarah to start another paragraph, one that focuses on this new relationship, I might be more at ease.
4) Why?
5) I felt Jane was an imaginary friend, but at least an "alive" imaginary friend. Does this comment imply she's dead? Does the narrator mean "real" here?
Personally, I find this opening fine, except that by my [ mark, it has become too introspective for my tastes. I would prefer that the section in [ ] were something like "Sarah killed my puppy." BAM! Point made, new paragraph, and the cut to the action, lest any pace be lost and this reader with it.
But that might just be me.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 10, 2010).]
quote:My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern.
I like this first sentence, but you're still doing the info dumping thing after:
quote:She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could talk to me and keep me company. She never said anything though. Just came and went when she felt like it.
What if you saved all this explanation for in the course of the story? Does she have conversations with her "twin"? Even if they are one sided, putting something like that here would do a lot for explaining exactly what Jane is, without doing the tell versus show thing.
quote:She helped me to not be so scared of Sarah. I had to be careful though because sometimes she’d make faces behind Sarah and I’d want to giggle.
I agree with the above poster about the Sarah/mom thing. Kids that young wouldn't even consider calling their parents by their first names. That comes along around the age of 14, 17 if you're lucky...and even then not every child does. Overall I like this section but you could do more with it. Go into more detail maybe, about the unfairness. Wouldn't it upset a 10 year old that her abusive mother couldn't even see the twin? It would be upsetting for them to feel like their twin wasn't taking their share of the punishments, or not getting in trouble for making faces, even if they did understand why. There would still seem to be an unfair imbalance.
posted
The new version is much better. It no longer feels inconsistent. First person child has got to be a challenge to write, but I think you are off to a good start.
The begining is very telling, but it does hook me because I don't think Jane is imaginary. But you are starting to lose me at the end because I am ready for the story to begin, but you keep giving me back story.
quote:My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. It would have been nice if Jane could talk to me and keep me company. She never said anything though. Just came and went when she felt like it. She helped me to not be so scared of Sarah.
Now this is just my opinion, but I think that everything above is really interesting. The stuff below kind of makes my eyes glaze over, not that it is not good, but I really want to know what is happening now. I got the needed info about Jane, and now I want the story to start. The other stuff should still be used, but sprinkled in here and there as the story unfolds.
quote:I had to be careful though because sometimes she’d make faces behind Sarah and I’d want to giggle. That would not be good. Jane was brave, she would have told someone how mean Sarah was if she was alive, but it was just me and I was way too scared. Sarah killed my puppy and I didn’t do anything, so I’m sure she’d do something very bad if I told on her.
I think it is fine to have Jane call her mother Sarah if there is a good reason for it. I wonder if that is what Sarah wants Jane to call her since Jane is abused by Sarah and doesn't dare to disobey her.
On a personal note, when my four-year-old daughter figured out my first name, she said. "Mommy, can I please please please call you Maryann." How could I say no to that, so for about a week or so she called me Maryann.
posted
Thank you all for your comments! It's great.
I got sick a couple days ago so will be out of commission for a bit (my 2 yr old gave me his cold/flu bug) I will be revisiting my story and checking out some of your submissions as well. Just a note so you don't think I'm ignoring you all while I'm receuperating. Being sick with 4 kids is...just awful.
posted
I wiped the blood from my mouth as dear old mom slammed the cellar door behind me. As I suspected my twin sat waiting for me on the dusty crate, silent. I didn't know her name so I called her Jane. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. “Did ya miss me?” I asked. She rolled her eyes then drifted up to the small, grimy window and pointed. I got up in time to see Sarah drive off in her Mercedes. “Let the party begin! Mom’s left and we have the whole cellar to ourselves.” I said sarcastically. Then I noticed Jane had disappeared then re-appear at the base of the stairs where she pointed at something on the bottom step. It was a key. “Did you...? Can you move things now?" I would have hugged her if she had a body to hug. This newfound talent of hers could
Okay, one more post before I retire for 2 days (probably). I decided to make Julia older, say 13. Maybe I'll refer to the abuse starting early in life later on. I wanted to show that Jane could do some things, like learn how to make objects move. Did it work? Any advice is welcome.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 12, 2010).]
It could use some more tightening here and there but I really can't give you specific examples.
I would suggest completing your re-write with the new perspective and putting it away for a little bit, work on a new piece or read a novel or two and then come back to look at it.
posted
My twin sat next to me on the dusty crate, silent, brow furrowed in concern. **don't need 'in concern' imo** She didn’t have a name, not that I knew of anyway. I thought up the name Jane one day not long after she first appeared. I thought Jane sounded nice and went well with Julia. Jane and Julia, sisters and best friends forever. **excellent** It would have been nice if Jane could speak or at least be seen by someone else. **not childlike enough** But I suppose that’s the nature of a ghost. **a child would say: I think she is a ghost.** Jane often kept me company in the cellar, which was where Sarah chose to keep me as a punishment.**where Sarah put me when I was bad** I was getting so tired of this crap but too terrified to go to the authorities and definitely too scared to confront Sarah face to face. **a child would not go to the authorities nor be tired of this crap** My seriously psycho mother **a child would not think of her mother as psycho especially when the mother IS psycho, she would take it onto herself** was entirely too capable of nearly anything for me to feel safe in going to the cops. ** IMO Innocence never understands evil and always tries to explain or justify it. If it is someone the child depends upon, the child will interpret things as the evil adult does. Years after being rescued by loving caretakers the child will protect the abuser and still work to satisfy the demands of their abuser.
I think you are better off here showing action and dialogue. This way you are not trying to interpret the coulda/woulda/shouldas of an abused ten year old and worrying that your adult perspective is going to be bleeding through.
You have a really good story to tell here and I think you will get more punch out of USING the child's perspective without adult interpretation.
posted
All right, so, I really like this opening. It's good. And I like the whole idea. I did have to read it twice, though, to figure out who Jane was, but after I found out she wasn't exactly "real" at least that's what I made her out to be anyway, I was like, "huh, that's pretty cool"
One thing that puzzled me, though, was Sarah, who I am guessing is the mother....maybe. If Sarah is this "psycho mother" I would make that more clear to the reader, so you don't leave them to guess. Because it would have been very possible for you to have brought up some random girl named Sarah, and, at the same time, bring up a psychotic mother all on its own right after that.
I would like to take a look at some of it, though I can't promise you complex feedback or a page by page critique, but i can offer you what I think as a reader and anything that bothers me or anything else you might want to add. =]
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Sooo...if I use this as a second chapter I still need a hook? Still need to work on that.
