posted
I'm having issues with the prologue of my WIP. I'm looking for comments on the first 13, and readers to give me overall impressions. Thanks. ~Sheena
For most of her neighborhood, the day was a sunny one. But in the house on Harvey drive, everything was pure tears and chaos. Six year old Kelsie didn't understand why she didn't feel comfortable in the house she had always known, and why she felt so much safer in the backyard beneath the glowing sun. But with the for sale sign on the front yard, her toys in boxes, and Mom angrier than she usually was, even her two year old sister could sense that something wasn't right and wouldn't stop crying.
Kelsie leaned forward in her swing and looked at the ground, the metal links of the chain pinching her hand. Her shoes, red sparkly Mary Jane's, were coloring circles in the patch of dirt beneath her feet. She pointed her toes and started to write her name with the tip off her favorite shoes. K, long line, then two short lines.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited June 14, 2010).]
I'd like to say, sounds really good so far. There are a few things I noticed that might help to improve the intro a bit:
First, the last sentence.
quote:K, long line, then two short lines.
Sounds a bit vague. I think she might be spelling the word 'kill', but I can't tell for sure.
Secondly, if she is writing kill I don't know that her emotion came across very clearly. It seems like idle play, almost. Usually six year olds are not so reserved when letting out a bit of emotion. Such as gripping the chain so tightly it hurt, etc...
Finally, you stated that Kelsie "didn't feel comfortable" but then she writes the word kill? I don't think the word 'comfortable' is correct. She obviously feels more than just discomfort. She is hating life right now, most likely, and wants to lash out anywhere she can. Remember, she is six, she has very limited methods of expression, and will take any method to extreme. Silence, brooding, rage, hate, etc... Each emotion should be very high.
I hope that helps. If I am wrong, well it wouldn't be the first time, so feel free to ignore me. My wife does all the time. )
I was trying to describe her thought process as she wrote the letter K. She wasn't writing the word kill( although I can see how it looks that was). Thank you for that catch, I will definitely change that line.
I like the contrast you made between the sunny weather and the mood in the household.
quote: Six year old Kelsie didn't understand why she didn't feel comfortable in the house she had always known
This makes it sounds like she is looking for the reason for her discomfort. Do most six year olds try to understand why they feel a certain way? (I don't know any six year olds) If most don't is this character a particularly introspective six year old?
It was clear to me that she was drawing a K with her shoe, but I guess you don't want to take the chance of it coming across the way Mike read it!
It sounds pretty good to me so far. The mood is pretty glum, but I think your use of contrasting visuals (sunny day, sparkley red shoes) helps mitigate that.
I'd be happy to read the three pages for you if you want the two cents of a very new member.
posted
I like it, but sometimes the phrasing seems a bit mature for the POV of a six year old, or are you going for omniscient POV?
quote:For most of her neighborhood, the day was a sunny one. But in the house (maybe more specific since I am assuming that there are lots of houses on this street. Maybe the blue house or the corner house?) on Harvey drive, everything was pure tears and chaos. (Up until now I am fine with the Omniscient POV, but once we focus in on Kelsie, I expect us to be in her POV, but maybe you are going for Omniscient POV for the whole prolog)Six year old Kelsie didn't understand why she didn't feel comfortable in the house she had always known, and why she felt so much safer in the backyard beneath the glowing sun.This sentence is a bit long and feels too mature to be from Kelsie's POV. I think you can shorten it without loosing anything. But with the for sale sign on the front yard, her toys in boxes, and Mom angrier than she usually was, even her two year old sister could sense that something wasn't right(feels like a POV violation (unless you are going for Omniscient then ignore me) maybe replace with "was upset"?) and wouldn't stop crying.
Kelsie leaned forward in her swing and looked at the ground, the metal links of the chain pinching her hand. Her shoes, red sparkly Mary Jane's, were coloring circles in the patch of dirt beneath her feet. She pointed her toes and started to write her name with the tip off her favorite shoes. K, long line, then two short lines.
The rest is definitely from Kelsie's POV and feels right for her age.
Overall I thought this is an interesting start. I'd be happy to read the prologue if you like.
posted
I've read lately that for novels you can start with an omni to set the mood and local, and then settle down into one POV. I've tried it for this one and I like it, it just feels kind of weird at the same time. New, I guess.
Mike don't be embarrassed, I'm glad you pointed it out. I need to be more precise in that sentence.
Thank you so much for responding, everyone, and for the help. I'm sending the prologue to MAP and Ethereon today. It is only three pages long.
posted
shimiqua, I'm guessing (because it's the prologue and because of the POV) that this is not the main story; but a kind of look into the past of the main character. Something which will clue us in to the type of person she is. If that's the case, then I would focus a bit more on those things which we remember from when we were younger. More of the smells and the look, not as much of the touch or the sound. Though maybe that's just what I remember most about my childhood. Either way I'm sure it will be a fun book to write. You're off to a good start. Good luck. Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2010
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posted
Rahmuss, good call on the smell and sound thing. I didn't even think of that, but it is smells that linger in memory isn't it. That and occasional TV jingles.
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling good about the start now. More or less.
posted
Sweet. I think it works to start OMNI in para 1 and then pull in close in para 2. Reads ok to me, except that I think Mom should be her (their) mother in the first paragraph. Nits: 3rd sentence: six-year-old; has “didn’t” 2x; how about couldn’t and didn’t. 4th sentence: Maybe reverse the order of her sister and the problems (Even her sister…, what with the sign and all); angrier than ususal, two-year-old, something was wrong (?) I thought she was swinging, until she made circles. Coloring circles threw me, because there’s no color involved. were drawing? drew? (perhaps cut “with the tip off her favorite shoes”). Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007
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