quote:Rell jumped to his feet when his sister brought the water jug around, brushing the heavy clay soil from his hands. The sun was hot for spring and there was no cover at all in the newly planted fields. Any break was welcome.
“Back before the War we’d have had a mage bespell the seeds before we planted. Then the corn would grow faster than the weeds and choke them out. Things were easier, then,” Da said as he pushed himself to his feet.
As if weeding the fields wasn’t bad enough, it had to be accompanied by a constant stream of reminiscences from his father. Rell was sick of hearing about it. He was looking right at the blackened stumps of what had once been a rich woodland before the War. He was just old enough to remember playing under those trees.
Newer Version
quote:Rell jumped to his feet when his sister brought the water jug around. He wasn’t that thirsty, but he was glad of any break from the monotonous task of weeding the fields. He’d far rather be working with the animals in the barn and pasture, but his older brother Bren always got that job. Bren didn’t even like the animals. Not like Rell did. And they didn’t respond to Bren like they did to Rell. It wasn’t fair, but Da always just said “Bren’s older”, as if that had something to do with mucking out stalls and pitching hay. Bren didn’t even have to listen to Da’s string of reminiscences as they worked.
“Back before the War we’d have had a mage bespell the seeds before we planted. Then the corn would grow faster than the weeds and choke them out. Things were easier, then,” Da said as
New Version:Is this better?
quote:Rell jumped to his feet when his sister brought the water jug around. He wasn’t that thirsty, but he was glad of any break from the monotonous task of weeding the fields. Maybe the distraction would even put a stop to their father’s string of reminiscences.
“Back before the War, we’d have had a mage bespell the seeds before we planted. Then the corn would grow faster than the weeds and choke them out. Things were easier, then,” Rell’s father said as he pushed himself to his feet.
No such luck. Rell was sick of hearing about it. Rell was looking right at the blackened stumps of what had once been a rich woodland before the War. He was just old enough to remember playing under those trees. Now it was the Blighted Forest.
Original:
quote:Rell stood up and stretched his aching back. Weeding the fields was a slow, back-breaking, boring task. It didn’t help that his father kept up a running account of how things used to be, before the Great Mage War.
“Back before the War, we’d have had a mage bespell the seeds before we planted. Then the corn would grow faster than the weeds and choke them out. Things were easier, then.”
Rell was sick of hearing about it. He happened to be looking to the north when he stood, right at the blackened stumps of what had once been a rich woodland before the War. He was just old enough to remember that. Now it was the Blighted Forest. “Well, there aren’t any more mages. They killed each other in the War. And we wouldn’t be planting corn at all if
Here's the logline (current version):
quote:Magic is supposedly dead in Rell’s world, but when he finds himself ‘gifted’ with magic he doesn’t know how to control, he’s ostracized from his family and runs away to find someone who can help him learn to use his magic safely.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited August 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited August 25, 2010).]
posted
Here is a thought, you could start with him recalling what was done to those trees. Have hive stand up, recall the forest when it was whole maybe playing in it, then remember the war that destroyed it.
It would help drive the image of the weariness for anything magic, and paint the picture of the horrors it can cause.
I like the intro, but it does lack a little depth to your character that I would expect in a novel intro. That said, it may be just fine as it is. Just add more depth later.
- If it were me writing this novel from a short story, I would just expand on the points that drive the emotion of readers and build the characters more. Fill in the vague details and spread the scenes out to more realistic time frames.
- How long is your short? Do you still have the outline? (sorry if I don't know I haven't been here long)
quote:Here is a thought, you could start with him recalling what was done to those trees. Have hive stand up, recall the forest when it was whole maybe playing in it, then remember the war that destroyed it. It would help drive the image of the weariness for anything magic, and paint the picture of the horrors it can cause.
I like the intro, but it does lack a little depth to your character that I would expect in a novel intro. That said, it may be just fine as it is. Just add more depth later.
Well, my problem with the intro is that I can relate to my back aching after a couple of hours weeding, but I'm not sure that a fifteen-year-old can. Doesn't seem to me I thought much about that back then. Maybe I'll play more with his frustration over his father's monologue about the good old days. I can definitely play up the damage caused by the mages, too.
quote:- If it were me writing this novel from a short story, I would just expand on the points that drive the emotion of readers and build the characters more. Fill in the vague details and spread the scenes out to more realistic time frames.
One of the complaints about this story when it was critiqued here was that the ending felt like a beginning. So, that's what I'm doing. I've got a pretty good handle on where the plot goes from there.
quote:- How long is your short? Do you still have the outline? (sorry if I don't know I haven't been here long)
The short story is only 2300 words. It was originally written for the "Cinders of the Great War" challenge here on Hatrack (and came in fourth). There never was an outline. I'm a pantser, but even if I wasn't I don't think I'd outline a story that short. It's all one scene and mostly action.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 18, 2010).]
posted
Ok I think you should be fine turning a short into a novel. I think that you might want to at least outline or break the short into new scenes. It could end up being the whole book or just the first quarter of the story. That is up to you.
quote:Well, my problem with the intro is that I can relate to my back aching after a couple of hours weeding, but I'm not sure that a fifteen-year-old can. Doesn't seem to me I thought much about that back then.I thought he was way older. I still remember 15 and I would be tired of the job, but it would be my arms sore if anything. Maybe I'll play more with his frustration over his father's monologue about the good old days.good idea I can definitely play up the damage caused by the mages, too.
I don't know your story, but it sounds like something that would work for a novel very well. I would read it. Keep it up, don't quit.
quote:Ok I think you should be fine turning a short into a novel. I think that you might want to at least outline or break the short into new scenes. It could end up being the whole book or just the first quarter of the story. That is up to you.
The original short story, with a few edits, will essentially be the first chapter. Still rather less than a quarter of the story, even for a YA novel.
In the short story, essentially, the main character acquires the ability to do magic through an accident, which supposedly hasn't existed since the mages all killed each other in the Great Mage War.
The rest of the novel will have to do with what happens to him as he tries to learn how to use this "gift". There'll be a lot more scenes as he makes friends and enemies and finally finds, well, not exactly what he was looking for.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 18, 2010).]
posted
I think your start is fine. You are hinting at a voice for the mc (one of the other pretty important characteristics in YA fiction - strong character voice.) You've got a bit of backstory folded into the setup, so we have some context. Not too heavy-handed. I think it's good.
Is there something specific you were worried about? If you feel it's important to convey age, you could have him reference a specific time interval to his childhood when he remembers the forest before it became blighted. "He was just old enough to remember that. It had been ten <anniversaries or some such world-relevant term that might get the reader more of an idea of what the world is like> since. The memories were from when he was just five, and were fast fading into nothingness. He was used to the treescape now, he didn't mind it, and he hated it when his father complained. What were they supposed to do? Conjure up some new mages to fight more wars? Ridiculous.
You know what I mean? Just something along those lines. Inner monologue is another YA characteristic (a lot of YA is told first person, but I'm a fan of 3rd person close/limited. I think your POV is fine.)
At any rate - it seems like you've got a good start. Best of luck with this!
quote:I think your start is fine. You are hinting at a voice for the mc (one of the other pretty important characteristics in YA fiction - strong character voice.) You've got a bit of backstory folded into the setup, so we have some context. Not too heavy-handed. I think it's good. Is there something specific you were worried about?
I think my main concern for the opening is the aching back. At fifteen or so, I my issue with weeding was more about how boring it was and what I'd rather be doing. (Rell would rather be working with the farm's animals. He's good with animals.)
posted
Howdy! For both versions, I would keep reading, but only when I got to the last paragraph about the forest. For me, if a main character is bored by something, then I'm bored reading about someone being bored. Now, since I recognize boring moments happen (and can actually be useful), I would try to make it almost humorous boredom. If you have ever watched it, "The West Wing" uses excellent, witty dialogue to make walking an interesting/hilarious event.
In any case though, I don't actually imagine the father there (What is he doing? Just standing there?). I picture Rell hearing the bodiless voice of his father as he works. I almost think dialogue between them would be more effective than hearing Rell's thought on this voice.
quote:For me, if a main character is bored by something, then I'm bored reading about someone being bored.
Good point. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, hmm?
Well, if it helps, things start getting real exciting in about half a page. Maybe I should cut the boredom and just go with his disgust at having to listen to Dad's nostalgia for hours on end while he works? Or wishing he could have been doing something else? Or maybe I can just take monotonous out and replace it with something else?
posted
I'm not even necessarily saying you have to add action. I'm just saying that I need something to chew on in this scene like an interesting visual or a bit of dialogue that develops your character. You hint at a good visual with the Blighted Forest, and from your voice, especially when you say "No such luck.", Rell has a personality worth fleshing out, but I suspect that you are suppressing this development to focus on the background. So, I would say that if you are writing a more character driven story, you need to begin showing off Rell, but if you are writing a more plot/world driven story, then I would stay the current course because I would keep reading to learn more of this world's history. Remember you are making the jump from short story to novel: You have time to do stuff.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
I think you need something for a reader to grab on to. As it is, the story starts out as a tell scene. The MC needs to process some of the information, perhaps a glimmer of his talent? Or there needs to be a bit more action than an aching back and need of a rest.
Maybe you're not starting at the right place. There is nothing wrong with the scene as written, but it just doesn't grab me, the reader. I'd read on, but I wouldn't feel driven to do so. Maybe you're not starting at the right place.
posted
Quick comments: I like the idea, but the logline doesn’t say what’s special about it. Except for the fact that magic is dead; I bet that makes finding an expert challenging. Maybe up the ante on the danger of out-of-control magic in the logline (what's a logline)? Yeah, I'm definitely interested. Poor kid.
How does he think of his/their father? Dad, Father, Pop? Rell was, Rell was. Ugh. How about: He looked at the… “the monotonous task of” could be cut.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 30, 2010).]
posted
I like the logline. I also thought the new version was a big improvement. I’m curious about the blighted forest. There was too much info in the first version, and I got lost. Maybe it’s just me, but I was wondering if you could use the name Rell a little less. Throw in a few euphemisms for Rell. Don’t know why I’m asking, but does Rell have a scar or some disfigurement that mirrors the wounded land? I want to sympathize with him and I’m guessing from your logline that we will be feeling a little sorry for him and soon. I write middle reader, dark fantasy, and this is probably something I would want to read. BTW: this is my first stab at a critique, bear with me. I WOULDN’T explain the mystery of the trees just yet. Dangle it in front of your readers. I’m curious—that kind of thing keeps us reading. Once again, dad’s reminiscences and the reference to the forest have piqued my interest.
Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
Bumped for new version of the first 13. This pushes the speculative element out a little, but it focuses on something hopefully more interesting than Rell's boredom.
Then again, this is a novel. I have a little more room to get to the speculative element.
posted
I still think the second newest version is best. Not sure why (I "am" a newbie after all) but it hooks me to want to read it more. Perhaps it is because it cuts right to the meat of what the book will be about?
I just know that as a passionate reader with limited time, I always "scan" the first page to see if I want to invest my time in the book...
quote:"Back before the War we’d have had a mage bespell the seeds before we planted. Then the corn would grow faster than the weeds and choke them out. Things were easier, then.”
I was not captured by the first paragraph and would not have continued reading. I would have put your book back on the shelf, unless the hook/blurb on the back cover of your novel contained something that interested me.
In the situation where you are starting your novel at a low energy / low excitement event (farming that your characters find tedious)--and I suspect the first chapter will be short and end with a conflict (i.e. something exciting/intriguing such as a "mage storm")--you may wish to bring your reader immediately into your characters' world by opening with dialog (i.e. start with your second paragraph).
Just a suggestion.
Respectfully, History
[This message has been edited by History (edited August 24, 2010).]
posted
I agree with History, that starting straight in with the dialogue may be a better opening. For one, it introduces the speculative element. But also, it provides the clearer hook when compared to Rell thinking about farming.
The major difficulty at the moment is that your MC is disinterested so why should the reader be interested? Rell doesn't want to be weeding and doesn't want to listen to his father tell a "back in the day" story. Rell wants to spend time with the animals. It kind of me want to put down the book and go play with my dog.
If you start with the dialogue the reader can react to the father's statements with a clean slate, not already expecting to be bored (like Rell is). With a clean slate the reader is more likely to pick up an all the insinuations in the father's reminiscence.
In the newest version, the changes you have made make the writing tighter and I do like that you establish that Rell has an affinity for animals. It subtly suggests that he is special in a way.
Since this is a first chapter I would keep reading a little farther to see where it goes.
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