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Author Topic: "The Overseer" First 13, Sci-fi, Adults only!!!
Giasin Chasan
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Prometheus stared intently at his heavily bleeding hand. Time seemed to be suspended, as if shocked by the atrocity he'd just committed. The act of killing a man, an image so foreign now, so forgotten, seemed unworldly. He loosened his white-knuckled grip on the can, beaten almost flat now, by the force of the repeated blows. Nausea claimed him, as he tore the can out of his palm, the pain radiating up to his shoulder. The sight of his victim’s face, a mangled mess of blood, hair and corn, sent his stomach convulsing.
He staggered to his feet, resisting the urge to throw up, and walked towards the exit. The air was getting thinner and the burning sensation of deep cold was setting in. The store had enacted special protocols, trying to preserve the crime scene.

This is my current project, called "The Overseer". Sci-fi novel, with a lot of social, political, religious, ethical, moral and psychological content. I'm currently at about 15.000 words with enough material, in my head, to fill about 3 volumes.

Be as blunt as possible, no offense taken.

Thanks in advance for your feedback.


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mbwood
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Hello, Giasin;

Your opening with Prometheus grabbed me, however, it does raise questions. Prometheus, the champion of mankind, famed for his craftiness, now has a bleeding hand after killing a MAN? Whoa! That threw me!

In addition, ‘Prometheus’ is the title of an upcoming Ridley Scott movie... Hmm, I wonder if the movie moguls have laid claim to that name / title?

Okay, back to mechanics of writing.

You have a lot of ‘telling’ in these 13 lines. For example -

‘Time seemed to be suspended...’ Describe what P. experiences.
‘as if shocked by the atrocity he'd just committed.’ Well, was he shocked? Don’t tell us – describe the feeling.
‘resisting the urge to throw up, and walked towards the exit.’ How about: “He gagged, fighting nausea and a rebellious stomach.” Do keep your descriptions tight and compact (remember Hemingway's writing style?).

A different problem:

‘The air was getting thinner and the burning sensation of deep cold was setting in. The store had enacted special protocols, trying to preserve the crime scene.’

This is a change from a 3rd person singular POV to an omniscient POV, which is quite distant from your character. Do be consistent with your POV, keep the reader close to your character.

All in all, you have something here, although (IMHO) I believe it is a bit wordy. Do tighten, keep the focus on P. Let us share his feelings, pain and emotions. Let us get close to your character.

Keep writing!

MBW


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Crank
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Graphic openings can be cool. However, you started to lose me during the first 13...not because of the graphic descriptions, but because those descriptions pushed out other important potential hooks.

Sentences four (“He loosened his white-knuckled grip...”) through seven (“He staggered to his feet...”), are all physical action / physical descriptions. While they’re seemingly telling different things about the MC, they are still back-to-back-to-back-to-back similarly-purposed sentences that tell us what happened to him or what he’s experiencing, but nothing about why this scene even took place. Condensing these four sentences would give you more room within the first 13 to expand on the why and, perhaps, if you’re feeling really ambitious, even the what next.

One other note: you’re billing this as science fiction story, but I saw nothing within the first 13 that hints towards such a world. Not everyone cares whether the genre is described early in the story...it’s merely a personal preference of mine.

S!
S!


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micmcd
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I come in the name of the comma/active language police.

quote:

Time seemed to be suspended, as if shocked by the atrocity he'd just committed.


I've often heard that "seem" is the worst word in writing. Here, it takes away from the intense action of the first sentence. Possible rewrite: Time froze as he was shocked by the atrocity he'd committed. (Or perhaps "Time felt frozen/suspended" if you don't want people to think time literally froze).
quote:

The act of killing a man, an image so foreign now, so forgotten, seemed unworldly.


Again with seem.
[quote
He loosened his white-knuckled grip on the can, beaten almost flat now, by the force of the repeated blows.
[/quote]
That last comma is needlessly interrupting the reader's flow. "... grip on the can, beaten almost flat now by the force of the repeated blows"
quote:

Nausea claimed him, as he tore the can out of his palm, the pain radiating up to his shoulder.


The first comma is absolutely unneeded - in fact, I dare say it's incorrect. The second comma might be better replaced by a period.
Possible rewrite: "Nausea claimed him as he tore the can out of his palm. The pain radiated up to his shoulder." OR "As he tore the can out of his palm, the pain radiated up to his shoulder. Nausea claimed him."
quote:

The sight of his victim’s face, a mangled mess of blood, hair and corn, sent his stomach convulsing.


Here... you're actually missing a comma, depending on whether or not you're a fan of the Oxford comma (which I am).
"The sight of his victim's face, a mangled mess of blood, hair, and corn, sent his stomach convulsing."
You might also want to rearrange things:
"His stomach convulsed at the sight of his victim's face, a mangled mess of blood, hair, and corn."

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micmcd
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Commas aside, I was quite hooked. You can't get much more active than dropping in three seconds after a murder. Well, I suppose you could drop in during the murder, but that might almost be so far towards hitting the ground running that it would be a writing cliche.
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