posted
I haven't posted the 13 lines to this in awhile, but I have been sending it out to a couple agents. I got two pretty good rejections so far. Anyway, let me know anything you think I might find helpful and/or anything you like. Thank you.
Just keep it together, Justin Adams thought as he lay on a chair in the psychiatrist's office, hoping nothing bad would happen to his girlfriend, Jessica. Stay strong, Justin. She’s okay. She’s just at her house, probably waiting for you, and she misses you a lot. I mean, come on, it’s not like she’s going to die. How would she? His eyes widened to that word. Die. Justin glanced at Dr. Marks and wondered why he hadn’t started talking yet. Any time, Doc. Sitting here isn’t helping me any. Almost as if Dr. Marks had heard Justin’s thoughts—maybe he had—he began in a neutral tone, “Tell me, Justin, how was your last date with Jessica? Did you have fun? Did any evil thoughts cross your mind?”
posted
I like it and would continue reading, but personally I feel you have more words that it needs to give the paragraph the punch it needs.
For example you don't need 'Just keep it together.' 'Keep it together.' Still makes sense and leads directly into the story.
If it is something specific to where you are from forgive me, I know things work in my dialect that may not otherwise but this sentence doesn't make sense to me:
quote:His eyes widened to that word. Die.
The paragraph could live without it if you can't think of a better way to phrase it, maybe just place an exclamation mark after the first word die, that will highlight it for you.
There are also a few places you could use fullstops instead of commas, to give it a more inside his head feel.
Hope this helps I like the premise enough to see where the novel is going.
posted
All right. Thanks. And yes, I see what you mean. That line is new, though. "His eyes widened to that word. Die." I just included that in there. But I'll dispose that in there. I also think that I'll be giving people the wrong idea and lead them into believing that Jessica dies, which she deffinitely doesn't. Close, but not quite. So maybe I'll just keep it in there once. Also, now that I think about it, it seems like I tried too hard by including it twice. Once will work just fine.
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