Annabelle Blake’s life is ridiculously complicated. First her boyfriend dumps her for someone richer and more popular. Then, just when she finally starts to get over him, two boys fall in love with her at the same time. The weird geometry of her love triangle is even more twisted than most: Both boys share the same body.
The body, which is tall and gorgeous, belongs to Christian Silver, who sits next to her in History class. Christian is a talented amateur medium and can communicate with ghosts.
Annabelle’s other admirer has been dead for twenty years. When Christian and Annabelle stage a séance, the dead boy’s spirit takes possession of Christian’s body. He speaks using Christian’s voice and falls in love with Christian’s girlfriend. Then he decides that he wants to live Christian’s life and starts taking over without an invitation.
Annabelle never knows who’s going to show up, the real Christian or the powerful spirit who keeps haunting her. She needs to find a way to send his lost soul back where it belongs, before the possession becomes permanent, but the ghost won’t leave until he finds out what happened the night he died: a night he can’t remember.
With one foot in this world and one in the next, Annabelle gathers both earthly and supernatural clues as she struggles to solve the mystery of the lonely boy’s death.
Set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in southeastern Massachusetts which is famous for supernatural activity, The Ghost of Him is a YA paranormal thriller, complete at 110,000 words.
I’ve been a middle school English teacher for the past seven years, so I have direct insight into the lives and loves of the YA audience. Listen magazine published my short story, “Out of the Woods”, in October 2008.
posted
First, you know this is too long, right? 250 words.
quote:Annabelle Blake’s life is ridiculously complicated. First her boyfriend dumps her for someone richer and more popular. Then, just when she finally starts to get over him,
I'd cut all of this except the character's name. It's just background.
quote:two boys fall in love with her at the same time. The weird geometry of her love triangle is even more twisted than most: Both boys share the same body.
The body, which is tall and gorgeous, belongs to Christian Silver, who sits next to her in History class. Christian is a talented amateur medium and can communicate with ghosts.
Cut everything after and. That's what a medium is.
quote:Annabelle’s other admirer has been dead for twenty years. When Christian and Annabelle stage a séance, the dead boy’s spirit takes possession of Christian’s body. He speaks using Christian’s voice and falls in love with Christian’s girlfriend. Then he decides that he wants to live Christian’s life and starts taking over without an invitation.
Annabelle never knows who’s going to show up, the real Christian or the powerful spirit who keeps haunting her. She needs to find a way to send his lost soul back where it belongs,
No comma here.
quote:before the possession becomes permanent, but the ghost won’t leave until he finds out what happened the night he died: a night he can’t remember.
With all the clauses, this is a very long sentence. Try to break it up.
quote: With one foot in this world and one in the next,
I'd cut this. I'm not sure what it means, but it's not really helping.
quote:Annabelle gathers both earthly and supernatural clues as she struggles to solve the mystery of the lonely boy’s death.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited September 15, 2010).]
posted
Meredith, I had a little trouble figuring out which quote you were referring to with your comments in between quotes. But I agree, if the query is too long, it should be trimmed.
AllyL, this sounds like a very interesting book, and I hope you let us know when it comes out, because I, for one, would like to buy and read a copy.
posted
Meredith, you're the best. Keep up the "cut to the chase advice". Corky, You made my day. I only wish you were a literary agent or an editor for a big name publisher.
Here's my newest version. Rip it apart. It's very helpful.
Dear Agent:
Two boys have fallen in love with Annabelle Blake and they share the same body. This tall, gorgeous body belongs to Christian Silver, the boy who sits next to Annabelle in History class. Her other admirer has been dead for twenty years.
Christian is a talented amateur medium. When he and Annabelle stage a séance, he channels the dead boy’s spirit. The apparition speaks for the first time, using Christian’s voice. He decides that he wants to live Christian’s life and be with Christian’s girlfriend, so he starts taking over without an invitation. Annabelle never knows who’s going to show up next, the real Christian or the powerful spirit.
The ghost has to go back where he belongs. Before he can leave, though, he needs to find out what happened the night he died, a night he can’t remember. Annabelle risks her life to uncover both earthly and supernatural clues so she can solve the mystery of his death.
Set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in southeastern Massachusetts which is famous for supernatural activity, The Ghost of Him is a YA paranormal thriller, complete at 110,000 words.
I’ve been a middle school English teacher for the past seven years, so I have direct insight into the lives and loves of the YA audience. Listen magazine published my short story, “Out of the Woods”, in October 2008.
quote:Meredith, I had a little trouble figuring out which quote you were referring to with your comments in between quotes. But I agree, if the query is too long, it should be trimmed.
My comments refer to the quoted text immediately preceding them.
posted
AllyL, I wish I were an agent or editor, too.
The new version is better, except for that first paragraph.
quote:Two boys have fallen in love with Annabelle Blake and they share the same body. This tall, gorgeous body belongs to Christian Silver, the boy who sits next to Annabelle in History class. Her other admirer has been dead for twenty years.
Partly because it isn't clear who all "they" refers to in the first sentence.
You could start with the second paragraph, something like
quote:Christian Silver is a talented amateur medium. When he and Annabelle Blake, who sits next to him in History class, stage a séance, he channels a dead boy's spirit. The boy, a powerful spirit who has been dead for twenty years, speaks for the first time, using Christian's voice. He decides that he wants to live Christian's life and be with Christian's girlfriend, so he starts taking over without an invitation. Annabelle never knows who's going to show up next, the real Christian or the invading spirit. And both of them are in love with her.
Though that is confusing, too, a little, because it doesn't tell whose point of view the story is told from. If it's Annabelle's, and I suspect it may be, you should start with her.
quote:Annabelle Blake's tall, gorgeous boyfriend, Christian Silver, is a talented amateur medium. When he and Annabelle stage a séance, he channels a dead boy's spirit. The boy, who has been dead for twenty years, speaks for the first time, using Christian's voice. He tells Annabelle that he wants to live Christian's life and be her boyfriend, so he starts taking over without an invitation. Of course, Christian resists, and Annabelle never knows who's going to show up next, the real Christian or the invading spirit.
posted
I can see this getting cut a bit further. How about this?
quote: Annabelle Blake's tall, gorgeous boyfriend is a talented amateur medium. When he and Annabelle stage a séance, he channels a dead boy's spirit. The boy takes over Christian's life and wants be her boyfriend, too. Now, Annabelle never knows who's going to show up, the real Christian or the invading spirit.
posted
Thanks, but I want to keep the grabber in the first sentence. How about...
Annabelle Blake is in love with two boys who share the same body. This tall, gorgeous body belongs to Christian Silver, the boy who sits next to her in History class. The other boy has been dead for twenty years.
I think I need that drama right away, in the first sentence, because it's what separates this ghost story from the others; what makes it unusual. There are a lot of books out there for young adults about girls who fall in love with ghosts. I'm hoping that mine has a different twist that sets it apart.
Your story sounds interesting, so I think your query is working. The revision is much better.
Here are just a few suggestions.
quote:Annabelle Blake is in love with two boys who share the same body. This tall, gorgeous body belongs to Christian Silver, the boy who sits next to her in History class. The other boy has been dead for twenty years.
I think this is a great first sentence, but I don't think the second sentence is necessary since you explain the situation in the next paragraph. Here is my suggestion, JMO, take it or leave it.
quote:Annabelle Blake is in love with two boys who share the same body.
Her boyfriend Christian is a talented amateur medium. When he and Annabelle stage a séance, he channels the dead boy’s spirit. The apparition speaks for the first time, using Christian’s voice. He decides that he wants to live Christian’s life and be with Christian’s girlfriend, so he starts taking over without an invitation. Annabelle never knows who’s going to show up next, the real Christian or the powerful spirit.
The ghost has to go back where he belongs. Before he can leave, though, he needs to find out what happened the night he died, a night he can’t remember. Annabelle risks her life to uncover both earthly and supernatural clues so she can solve the mystery of his death. This last sentence is a little vague. I think you need a stronger ending. What happens if she fails? What are the risks she takes and why is she willing to risk it?
Set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in southeastern Massachusetts which is famous for supernatural activity, The Ghost of Him is a YA paranormal thriller, complete at 110,000 words.
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited September 19, 2010).]
posted
But is Annabelle in love with both of them, or are they in love with her?
How about something like
quote:Two boys are fighting over Annabelle Blake, and they're also fighting for control of the body they both inhabit. The body belongs to Christian Silver, Annabelle's boyfriend, a talented amateur medium, and the other boy entered Christian's body during a seance Annabelle and Christian held. He decides that he wants to live Christian’s life and be Annabelle's boyfriend, so he starts taking over without an invitation. Annabelle never knows who’s going to show up next, the real Christian or the intruder.
As for the consequences, if she doesn't solve the ghost's death, Christian may disappear forever, right?
posted
Here's my latest brainstorm. I think I like it, but I value the advice I've gotten from everyone so see what you think:
Dear Agent:
Annabelle Blake falls for a real-life Dr. Jekyll during her senior year of high school. He’s Christian Silver, the boy who sits next to her in History class. His dangerous alter ego is a mute autistic boy who’s been dead for twenty years.
He becomes obsessed with Annabelle and starts taking control of Christian’s body without warning. She never knows who’s going to show up, the real Christian or the relentless spirit.
The powerful phantom speaks for the first time ever, using Christian’s voice, and refuses to leave the young couple alone until he finds out how he died. He can remember almost nothing about that chaotic night.
Annabelle visits the abandoned psychiatric hospital where the boy was imprisoned to search for clues. She discovers that the man responsible for the boy’s death is still alive. He finds out Annabelle is asking questions about the crime he got away with twenty years ago and hunts her down. Christian and the dead boy must work together to protect the girl they both love.
Set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in Massachusetts famous for supernatural activity, The Ghost of Him is a YA paranormal thriller, complete at 110,000 words.
I’ve been a middle school English teacher for the past seven years, so I have direct insight into the lives and loves of the YA audience. Listen magazine published my short story, “Out of the Woods”, in October 2008.
posted
My only quibble would be to wonder how the long-dead autistic connected with Annabelle and Christian, but this is much clearer otherwise and gives interesting details about the story.
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quote:He becomes obsessed with Annabelle and starts taking control of Christian’s body without warning. She never knows who’s going to show up, the real Christian or the relentless spirit.
Perhaps change it to, The ghost becomes obsessed. At first I read it that Christian becomes obsessed with her.
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