posted
This is updated based on useful feedback from before. [See below for next version].
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Gam swung his axe in a vicious arc over his head and let it strike the soft ground with a dull thud. He was imagining that it was his father Oto's head. The boy stood alone behind Oto's armory, and was avoiding chopping wood for its furnaces. Splitting logs, apprenticing in the smithy, and other tedious labor had become his duties day and night, ever since he had entered the last year before his manhood. This night the gray Moon and its red Companion hung low and shed little light, making the heavy task more difficult and dismal. But the stars glittered brightly, and Gam held the axe idly while his gaze turned to take in their wonder.
"I don't hear that axe!" roared Oto's voice across the curtilage. Gam broke from his musings and got back to chopping.
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VERSION 3:
Gam swung his father's axe in a vicious arc and struck the log that in his mind was his father's head. Ever since he had come into the year before manhood, it had been like this: chopping wood for Oto's furnaces, apprenticing in Oto's smithy, stacking weapons in Oto's armory. The only respites were Ventú lessons by day and exhausted sleep by night. This night the gray Moon and its red Companion hung low and shed little light, making his heavy task more difficult and dismal. But the stars glittered brightly, and Gam paused while his gaze turned to take in their wonder.
"I don't hear that axe!" roared Oto's voice across the curtilage. Gam broke from his musings and got back to chopping.
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[This message has been edited by DerekBalsam (edited September 21, 2010).]
quote: Gam swung his axe in a vicious arc over his head and let it strike the soft ground with a dull thud. He was imagining that it was his father Oto's head. The boy stood alone behind Oto's armory, and was avoiding chopping wood for its furnaces. Splitting logs, apprenticing in the smithy, and other tedious labor had become his duties day and night, ever since he had entered the last year before his manhood. This night the gray Moon and its red Companion hung low and shed little light, making the heavy task more difficult and dismal. But the stars glittered brightly, and Gam held the axe idly while his gaze turned to take in their wonder.
"I don't hear that axe!" roared Oto's voice across the curtilage. Gam broke from his musings and got back to chopping.
Not too bad, but I don't think quite there yet. The first sentence doesn't have good flow, I think. The "and" disrupts things and "let it strike" feels like something is missing like he. I'm not sure if soft ground would make even a dull thud. More like the type of noise a shovel makes, that is I would think.
Not good to have two was-s in one sentence, or two words of any type but was-s makes sentences sound too passive, I've been told. The same thing goes for -ing words.
The splitting logs sentence is way too long, I think. Also "Tedious labor" breaks up the flow.
Even with all of what I said, over all it gives a clear indication of the problem, you can get a feel for what the boy is feeling, In other words the basic idea is good, it just needs a some tweaking.
Oh yes, what did he "entered"? That might have gone over my head but it leaves a question in the mind of the reader.
posted
Instead of discussing how he'd been doing these tedious things in the past...maybe you could describe how he is bored now. It's always more interesting to describe something in the "now"...and then you can mention that these have been his duties for however long and let the reader infer from their own experiences how annoying that would be. It might help us really identify and connect with the character.
He was always having to do the dishes and he hated it.
or
He cut his finger on a knife that was protruding from the stopped drain and it dug into his spongy skin.
"Ouch!"
He hated this, just the very thought of spending an hour scrapping off chewed up food with his hands made his stomach turn.
"I don't hear any scrubbing!" his Aunt's shrill voice echoed from the living room.
How many days and weeks of this torture could a man take? Was it not enough that he had to be polite and be home in time for dinner every night? Did she have to insist that heo do this wretched task before bed every night, by hand?
'Humiliating.'
Do it in your own way for your own story, but this opens up a lot of possibilities for character development. Instead of the author saying..he did this...the character is saying..he did this in his own musings to himself. This in a sense performs both functions at the same time (back story and character development)
posted
A little late now but it looks like I haven't commented on V3.
quote: Gam swung his father's axe in a vicious arc and struck the log that in his mind was his father's head. Ever since he had come into the year before manhood, it had been like this: chopping wood for Oto's furnaces, apprenticing in Oto's smithy, stacking weapons in Oto's armory. The only respites were Ventú lessons by day and exhausted sleep by night. This night the gray Moon and its red Companion hung low and shed little light, making his heavy task more difficult and dismal. But the stars glittered brightly, and Gam paused while his gaze turned to take in their wonder.
"I don't hear that axe!" roared Oto's voice across the curtilage. Gam broke from his musings and got back to chopping.
posted
Oops, clicked on the wrong button---it's late on a Friday night.
Anyway, after all of that I'm not sure what it say. It's better. You get a feel for what he is feeling and a possible conflict. I'm probably missing something obvious but that's all I can say.
As I said it was late, I could have added this to my original post.
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited September 26, 2010).]
posted
Version 3. I like it - the voice, the setting, etc. I'd like to read more if you have a few chapters ready. Just as long as you're in no rush.
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