posted
The boy didn’t know how he died. He couldn’t remember. That’s why he refused to accept death and clung to the living after his heart stopped beating. The first time I heard the dead boy’s story I was nine years old. After that, I thought about him often, for years. I didn’t know it at the time, but ghosts are particularly sensitive to the thought waves of curious young girls. From far away, they can hear our questions and they long to help us find answers. I didn’t just think about him and ask questions, though. I went looking for him in his lair and by then he was lying in wait for me. I unwittingly invited him into the world of the living, where he didn’t belong. I didn’t do it on purpose. It was just my nature to take risks. I should start at the beginning.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 06, 2010).]
The boy didn’t know how he died. He couldn’t remember. That’s why he refused to accept death and clung to the living after his heart stopped beating. The first time I heard the dead boy’s story I was nine years old. After that, I thought about him often, for years. I didn’t know it at the time, but ghosts are particularly sensitive to the thought waves of curious young girls. From far away, they can hear our questions and they long to help us find answers. I didn’t just think about him and ask questions, though. I went looking for him in his lair and by then he was lying in wait for me. I unwittingly invited him into the world of the living, where he didn’t belong. I didn’t do it on purpose. It was just my nature to take risks. I should start at the beginning. “Let’s tell ghost stories. What do you think, Annabelle?” Without waiting for an answer, my two older brothers dragged me into their room, closed the door and turned off the lights. My oldest brother, Joe, pulled a book of matches out of his pants pocket and lit one on the first try.
A better grabber. It also tells more of what the problem is. Overall not bad at all. But if he was laying in wait for her did he attack her, take her over, attach himself to her so she would take him into the real world or???
I feel like that new part could be shorter. Not sure what to take out though. Try saying the same thing with less words. Sometimes you can rearrange a sentence like that. See if anyone else has the same criticism, it could be just me.
Hmm, the first sentence seems awkward to me, but again it could be just me.
posted
You seem undecided about where the story should begin. In the opening, you have a recollection of an older girl about another important character, the dead boy, then a 'I should start from the beginning' shift to a recollection about the main character as a younger girl. Maybe neither is the right place.
What is the center of gravity of the story? It seems to be when she went searching for him. Maybe that's where the story should begin. Then, you'll have to work in these bits of back story through flashbacks and the like. An advantage of this is that the age of the main character matches what the reader is expecting, which is important for YA and MG stories.
If you keep the present opening, I suggest you work in the gender of the narrator straight away, for the same reason...the expectations of YA/MG readers. "I'm not reading no boy's story." The first paragraph sounds prelude-ish. Maybe start with the hijacked-by-brothers paragraph first.
Titles: this story has a "whisperer" flavor to it, but that word has been overused in titles lately. It's hard to come up with a title without knowing where the story is heading. Is she a Ghost Shepherd? Is this a paranormal romance? Thriller?
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I thought I might suggest some titles or that is how to help you decide on one.
Hmmm, Is this ghost the only one? If so you could try a title with just him. The Troublesome Ghost Of The Didn't Know He Was Dead Kid. Kinda long but I hope you get the idea.
Or The Troublesome Ghost of the Lonely Boy.
Or The Ghost That Listened In On Her Thoughts.
If this one is just one she has to deal with you could try The Not So Mighty Ghost Hunter Or The Young Ghost Hunter Or She Hunted Ghosts.
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I was reading your query letters, so how about something that brings that stuff in?
"Two Boyfriends in One" "My Possessed Boyfriend" or "My Haunted Boyfriend" "How to Date a Ghost" "Haunted by Love" "The Ghost Who Loved Me" "The Medium and the Lonely Ghost" "A Bridgewater Love Triangle"
quote: I was reading your query letters, so how about something that brings that stuff in? "Two Boyfriends in One" "My Possessed Boyfriend" or "My Haunted Boyfriend" "How to Date a Ghost" "Haunted by Love" "The Ghost Who Loved Me" "The Medium and the Lonely Ghost" "A Bridgewater Love Triangle"
Hmmm, according to these suggestions the book is a whole lot different from what I envisioned even though I knew it could go in a couple of different directions. That wasn't one I contemplated. That doesn't make it bad, just makes me go hmmm.
posted
Rewrite of the beginning: The boy couldn’t remember how he died. And no one else knew either. His secrets had been buried with him. That’s why he refused to accept death and clung to the living after his heart stopped beating. I clung to him, too. My obsession with him started when I was nine and ended when I was almost eighteen. The first time I heard the dead boy’s story I was only a little girl. After that, I thought about him often, for years. And he was thinking about me, too. I didn’t know it at the time, but ghosts are particularly sensitive to the thought waves of curious young girls. They love subliminal messages. From far away, they can hear our questions and they long to help us find the answers. I didn’t just think about him and ask questions, though. When I
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 13, 2010).]
A Wild Ghost Chase Identity Crisis Dead or Alive? That is the Question. The Tomb of the Unknown Soul (too punny?)(too stupid?) Dead but not Forgotten Buried Secrets
Here's one that's a groaner and I'd never use it, but... No Rest for the Eerie
posted
A Wild Ghost Chase is a bit of a groaner, too, but I vote for it (I like groaner titles, especially if they are subtle, which I think this one is).
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