Newer Version: This doesn't really get as much into the idea of the replacements (not new recruits, replacements), but hopefully it gives a better picture of the scene.

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From his desk at the front of the command tent, Marcian watched the replacements ride up, automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears. The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. He could see most of the tents from here, laid out in orderly rows on either side of the central road. More importantly, he had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached him. The new ones always thought they’d been trained back home, but they always had so much still to learn when they got here. It was one of his jobs to figure out what that was and see that it happened right quick, before they had a chance to get themselves or a comrade killed.

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New Version:

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From his desk at the front of the command tent, Marcian watched the replacements ride up, automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears. The tent stood on a little rise, so he had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached him. The new ones always thought they’d been trained back home, but they always had so much still to learn when they got here. It was one of his jobs to figure out what that was and see that it happened right quick, before they had a chance to endanger a comrade.

It was an unusually large group of replacements. Six, no eight people would be going home. Maybe Marcian would be one of them this time. Winter was coming on; this would be the last batch of replacements before the passes closed. If one of them

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Here's the new start, so far:

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Marcian watched the replacements ride up from his desk at the front of the command tent, automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears. The tent stood on a little rise, so he had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached him. The new ones always thought they’d been trained back home, but they always had so much still to learn when they got here. It was one of his jobs to figure out what that was and see that it happened right quick, before they had a chance to endanger a comrade. That’s what they were sent out here for, after all.

It was an unusually large group of replacements. Six, no eight people would be going home. Maybe Marcian would be one of them this time. Winter was coming on; this would be the last

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[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited October 06, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited October 15, 2010).]

A couple of places where references are unclear:

That’s what they were sent out here for, after all: by proximity, refers to 'a chance to endanger a comrade', when you meant that they were sent for training.

Marcian watched the replacements ride up from his desk at the front of the command tent: being a little picky here--suggests that the replacements ride up from his desk.

Consider dropping 'when they got here', since it's redundant.

Overall, I liked it. It might be a little more hook-y if we knew why Marcian was anxious to leave, other than the obvious. (Looks like that's about to be answered, but still....

GL

[From his desk at the front of the command tent,] Marcian watchedthe replacements ride up The tent stood on a little rise. [He] had a good view of...
I'd like to see what he has a view of: what is the setting? what does the camp look like? where is it?

Played around with the following sentences a bit to create even more tension (just for fun). No offense is intended. Please feel free to ignore.

[He could see] anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached him. The new ones [were raw, green as the grass they trod. They][/i] thought they’d been [well-]trained back home, but they [/i][knew jack****]. It was [his job] to figure out [if they could survive out here.] [And figure it out] right quick, before they had a chance to [get themselves killed, or worse get a comrade killed -- or him.
Were they fodder or fighters?]
That’s what they were sent out here for, after all.
It was an unusually large group of replacements. Six, no eight[,] people would be going home. Maybe Marcian would be one of them this time. Winter was coming on; this would be the last ...

You've provided a hint of a frontier like setting with danger. I would read on to find out more.

Dr. Bob

I would read on for a page or two to see if anything interesting starts happening soon, but I wonder if there might be a more interesting place to start.

Only the last 1 1/2 lines could flow more smoothly:
...but they always had so much still to learn when they got here. It was one of his jobs to figure out what that was and see that it happened right quick, before they had a chance to get themselves or a comrade killed.

Could you shorten them? Or break them up? Remove redendency? Where these replacements seasoned veterans? Or green recruits coming from the academy? The latter are never fully prepared for field experience.

One example: ...but they still had much to learn. How much? It was one of his jobs to find out, and right quick; before they got themselves, or him, killed.

Just something to consider as you're working through.

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My issues were entirely expectations. Seven Stars and a character named basically "Martian" - I expected a sci-fi book. I'm guessing this isn't a sci-fi book.
Just something to consider as you're working through.

Good luck!

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Hmm. Well, names are easy to change at any point. I'm not going to worry too much about that right now.

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If the cover (assuming, of course, that it does get published) had a picture of a big, red-headed, berserker warrior on it, would you still think sci-fi?

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LOL, yep, that would make it clear. Just bear in mind when pitching this to push the fantasy elements right up front. And consider that MC's name (or the title). Cool spelling, but combined with the title it's a little hard to break out of the sci-fi mindset (this is coming from a solid sci-fi fan, so take my comments with a blood-pressure-raising serving of salt.) Just a thought - if you were to name the constellation that the seven stars presumably form, that might make a nifty title, too, particularly if it gets at some details from the world where your characters live... Under Liatri's Shadow...for example.

Good luck, sorry for the tangent, just wanted to mention it.

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And consider that MC's name (or the title). Cool spelling, but combined with the title it's a little hard to break out of the sci-fi mindset (this is coming from a solid sci-fi fan, so take my comments with a blood-pressure-raising serving of salt.) Just a thought - if you were to name the constellation that the seven stars presumably form, that might make a nifty title, too, particularly if it gets at some details from the world where your characters live... Under Liatri's Shadow...for example.

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Hmm. I can see how that might work together a bit, now that you mention it. Well, the title is hopefully only a working title. For the record, I hate it. (Sounds too much like Seven Samurai. )

The seven stars don't really refer to a constellation, exactly. Marcian's people worship seven gods, visualized as the seven stars which appear to rest on the seven mountain peaks of their home on a particular night of the year. Their flag bears the seven stars. All the warriors are tattooed with the seven stars.