posted
Hey all, this is the first time I've done this, so have at it. No mercy. No prisoners. Be nice, but don't hold back. I'll get over it
This is my second attempt a book, my first took me seven years to get to 13,000 words and then someone in Hollywood made a movie that the theme was very similar to my book. 2012. So much for that idea, didn't want to be a copycat at that point, even though the outline was drafted in 2000 or so. Now to a new idea, which fortunately I have a lots of, just not the chops so far to finish. What do you think? Do you want more?
I have a title in mind, but may change. The Book of John.
First 13.
Jack opened his eyes slowly to the glare of the overhead light. He was in his bathroom, flat on his back. All of the lights were on and he was lying in wetness, and because of the warmth and smell he judged it was urine. His own. He sat up on the marble floor in the master bath as memories flooding back to him after his initial assessment. He had awakened at 6:15 AM, fifteen minutes later than he usually did. He never woke up a minute past 6:00 AM, and yet he had today. He had needed to pee real bad, and that was unusual too, because he usually got up in the middle of the night to go, but he must have slept completely through the night. Combine that with the two of the home brewed special dark beers his friend Bud had given him last week as birthday present, and it was a wonder he didn't wet the bed.
posted
Grammatically the writing seems fine. The place of the event is clear to me so that's a good thing.
I do have a few issues with the content. First off,
quote: it was urine. His own.
and
quote: it was a wonder he didn't wet the bed
Seems to be a bit of a paradox. He did wet the bed, yet it seems just a few seconds later he forgot that he was sitting in his own urine.
Also, starting with a character waking up is a cliche. I've done it, I think we have all done it. It's a very common way to start a story, and unless it is absolutely necessary I'd start closer to the action. The night before, for example, since you spend most of the first thirteen mentioning what went on before.
Generally, the issue I have is that the entire thirteen is about a dude sitting in his own urine. Not exactly what I like to read. It's off putting, and you want to draw a reader in, not make them want to look away.
posted
I agree with Sheena that starting with waking is a bit cliche. It can be done but needs to be done well. This didn't quite hit the mark.
I think your MC is a little off. He wakes up on the bathroom floor in urine and he thinks about what time he woke up and how much beer he drank the night before? Why is he so calm about this? Is this a common occurrence? If I ever woke up in this situation, I'd be a little freaked out or at least grossed out.
I guess my point is, if this is something that happens to him all the time, I think you are starting in the wrong place. I suggest starting when his life starts changing. If this isn't something that happens frequently, I think his response is too matter of fact.
posted
Thanks so far, for the input. I want to do this right. The first 13 are like a cornerstone on an old building. If not lain correctly, the rest of the building is off. Keep it coming.
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posted
Not bad, it's clear and some of it is concise.
I think the part after he remembers waking up late can be shortened. To me, for an opening, it goes into too much detail or takes too long to express the detail.
Yeah, waking up is a No No unless you know what you are doing. Maybe have him standing wondering how he got there and his feet splashing in his urine. That's sort of the same but it could also be a stronger opening.
And with your first book, there are lots of disaster books out there and I wouldn't be surprised if there are others about 1012. But you could change the cause of the event to something else or leave out the date. If you still want to do it that is.
posted
Couldn't get past the whole urine thing and waking up in the bathroom in a puddle. Unless he's a toddler, I'm losing interest, fast. Does peeing himself have an important role in the plot? (if so I'm not your target audience as it hits my gross-out buttons.)
Just one opinion from just one reader. I think the quality of your writing is fine, it's the subject matter that I didn't care for. Keep it up, though, write on.
posted
Thank you all for the comments. I will change it. It can be done better without the pee thing. I wanted the reader to see that he had passed out, but it seems I fell a bit short there, since getting past the pee was too distracting. BTW I passed out once in my life, from blood loss while in the Army, and when awakened had wet myself. It happens. LOL
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