posted
My name’s Lilly and I want to warn you that sometimes things exit whether you believe in them or not. I learned this the hard way. Faeries, for instance, are real and they are not the tiny happy winged creatures that Disney created. Oh no, they are dangerous, malicious and downright scary. They will meddle in your life whether you want them to or not. Don’t let them find you interesting or you’re doomed. You can kiss the life you knew good-bye. That’s what happened to me when I met Kalen. The sun’s rays gently caressed my skin as I sat in the sand on a beach in Duck North Carolina. My family and I were on vacation and every morning I got up early and went to the beach to take photos of the sunrise. I loved the smell of the salty
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's an interesting idea that faries are dangerous.
It would be good if you could show us the danger instead of telling us about it. We learn that there is danger but don't know what form that takes at the moment.
[/ cut My name’s Lilly and I want to warn you that too-- much info] [S]ometimes things [exist] whether you believe in them or not. [/cut I learned this the hard way.] [Take] Faeries, for instance [.] [T]hey are not the tiny happy winged creatures that [we met in Sleeping Beauty, but they are real.] [/ cut Oh] [No, they are dangerous, malicious and downright scary. [Take it from me,] [t]hey will meddle in your life whether you want them to or not. Don’t let them find you interesting or you’re doomed. You can kiss the life you knew good-bye. [/ cut That’s what happened to me when I met Kalen. Gives too much away.] --- That should be a prologue or something and then you start your novel... The sun’s rays gently caressed my skin as I sat in the sand on a beach in Duck North Carolina. My family and I were on vacation and every morning I got up early and went to the beach to take photos of the sunrise. I loved the smell of the salty
This other part is pretty good. Nice and active showing instead of telling. That's just my opinion. Hope that helps.
posted
It made me immediately think of Wicked Lovely or Spiderwick Chronicles. I like your writing style and it's easy to read and follow. The fairy subject is becoming quite popular right now. My suggestion would be to start with something that would differentiate it from other fairy books on the market. There are quite a few (as mentioned above) that have the fairies are bad angle, so why not start showing something about your concept that makes it slightly different from other bad fairy books?
Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Jenny did a great job giving you advice on what you can cut. I also agree with Amanda. Your style is light and easy to read. I'm intrigued with the idea, but you will need to set your story apart quickly if you want to hook an agent.
posted
I have recently read all of The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher and I can tell you that the Fae folk in that series are not just scary, they are very near the top of the food chain, physically and metaphysically speaking. The setting is modern day Chicago. So... I am a ready-hooked audience, and the 13 presented here make me want to see how you handle the subject. I think it is well written.
IP: Logged |
quote: I have recently read all of The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher and I can tell you that the Fae folk in that series are not just scary, they are very near the top of the food chain, physically and metaphysically speaking. The setting is modern day Chicago. So... I am a ready-hooked audience, and the 13 presented here make me want to see how you handle the subject. I think it is well written.
He's right about Dresden. They are not people or beings you don't want to mess around with even though Dresden has...no not in that way. Unless you're talking about the Tinker Bell type of fairies. Those are mostly neutral, they are pesky but not really evil. I have noticed in three different series by three different writers that have those small fairies as pranksters. But I can see how they could become scary, it wouldn't take much.
But there are other books out that have the fey kinda like humans in that there are good ones and bad ones. In fact my NaNoWriMo novel deals with that concept. In October Daye series by Seanan McGuire the Fairies or the fey are difficult to deal with but not all are evil, some are arrogant, some are crazy as in insane. Then there is Mark Del Franco's two series-same universe but different characters and cities. I'm not sure about the time element though. Anyway, the Fey are people with the same good points and bad points as humans. In one there is a Tinker Bell type of fairy that is friendly and a helper to the MC of the story. Even though he likes to eat cookies and will raid the guy's pantry without a second thought. And he will fight and kill if he feels the need.
And finally I thought your opening wasn't bad and personally I think it's too soon for Show, that should come soon-very soon but you really don't have time in just 13 lines for that and to introduce the MC and the problem. Unless you can do it in one maybe two short sentences. Maybe hint at something then later Show it.
And I used the term personally for a reason. There is some subjectivity to this. You might try to speed up the first two or three sentences, they do feel a little slow. Not sure how you would do that though.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
