posted
Would love any kind of feedback on my first few sentences. This is the beginning of a 120,000-word novel. It's a literary/southern gothic story. I so wish I could include more. Lines fourteen through eighteen really rock!
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He stood silent in the group as he usually did, listening to them talk and watching the fire. He looked into the dancing flames and heard their chatter and beyond that the nocturnal life of the forest. The songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales. He wished for a larger fire here, as did others and they would mention it sometimes. The small pit, less than a yard across and edged with river stones, allowed just enough fire to cast a dim glow on the faces gathered about. But all agreed there would be nothing more than this at the Moon—at least those who spoke of it agreed. Anything more would call attention to their secret spot.
quote:He stood silent in the group as he usually did, listening to them talk and watching the fire. He looked into the dancing flames and heard their chatter and beyond that the nocturnal life of the forest. The songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales.
This first half, I really like. Each sentence serves a purpose, setting the scene nicely and giving me a hint about the MC's personality.
Second half, though . . .
quote:He wished for a larger fire here, as did others and they would mention it sometimes. The small pit, less than a yard across and edged with river stones, allowed just enough fire to cast a dim glow on the faces gathered about. But all agreed there would be nothing more than this at the Moon—at least those who spoke of it agreed. Anything more would call attention to their secret spot.
That's a lot of lines to complain about the size of the fire. And for no discernible reason, until the last few words. The only part that caught my eye about these lines is "at the Moon." Now there's something interesting . . . but it's a tiny nugget of hook embedded in a dragging bit of description.
Your prose has a nice sound to it. I like the vaguely rhythmic flow of it all. But I'd like to see more of the actual hook brought into the fore, here. See if you can't draw some of the rockin' quality of lines 14-18 up into 6-13. (or however that breaks down. )
posted
I enjoyed the first bit of your story. I'm already drawing assumptions about your main character and the book, I thought I'd list them out and that way you can tell what type of impression it gives.
Your MC seems to be a brooding sort.
Beer= here and now. Also seems sort of... clannish? Like when I get together with my family and we toss the beer cans into the fire pit (Yes we really do this).
The Moon = this is some sort of secret group, I'm thinking magic or vampires or werewolves?
small fire = they must not be in a very remote spot.
quote:He stood silent in the group as he usually did, listening to them talk and watching the fire. He looked into the dancing flames and heard their chatter and beyond that the nocturnal life of the forest. The songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales.
I would possibly make this another paragraph. It seems a natural place for the eyes to rest.
quote:He wished for a larger fire here, as did others and they would mention it sometimes. The small pit, less than a yard across and edged with river stones, allowed just enough fire to cast a dim glow on the faces gathered about. But all agreed there would be nothing more than this at the Moon—at least those who spoke of it agreed. Anything more would call attention to their secret spot.
I enjoyed the writing. Line 14 has the hook? If it fits on the first page of your manuscript then I'm ok with that.
Full disclaimer. These are my thoughts, and hopefully you will find something in them you can find useful, and know that nothing I say is meant to hurt feelings, but hopefully help.
He? Who?
I gather we are in "he's" pov, point of view. I as the reader would like to know who he is. We can see what he hears, feel what feels, and even at the end knows his wishes, we should know his name.
quote:He(Edwardo) stood silent in the group as he usually(usually or always, its just always adds more tension, that at some point in time he wont stand silent) did, listening to them talk and watching the fire. He looked into the dancing flames and heard their chatter and beyond that the nocturnal life of the forest(Not really sure if I am being picky here, but I would lose the looked and heard, if in his pov, we gather that, and it can make for a stronger connection, and writing). The songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales.
He wished for a larger fire here(cut here), as did others and they would mention it sometimes. The small pit, less than a yard across and edged with river stones, allowed just enough fire to cast a dim glow on the faces gathered about. But all agreed there would be nothing more than this at the Moon—at least those who spoke of it agreed. Anything more would call attention to their secret spot.(you have written a dark, mysterious setting, but, the word secret spot, took me out of the dark setting. You could just leave it as Anything more would draw unwanted attention.)
Anyways, I think you have a story going. My advice as always, make sure you dont get to bogged down in the intro and keep writing the novel until finished. Then repost and we can give the intro another full on run, dotting the I's and crossing the T's.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 01, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 01, 2011).]
posted
Hey guys - Thanks so much for the feedback. It was very helpful. I've pasted the revised first 13 below. I know this could still use some polishing but I decided to use this as my official beginning for now. The manuscript is "complete," meaning that I've handed it off as a complete work to my test readers.
A short bit of additional background on the story... Troubled teenaged pyromaniac loses everything; is forced to choose between path of good or evil.
Here's my first 13...
Lonnie lost himself in the flickering light, his secret love, the Golden. It was a small fire and he wished it much larger, but then he was never satisfied when it came to the size of a fire or the heat it produced. What satisfied him was her impartial judgment, the ferocity of her will, her dependability. A power that could only be demonstrated when she was unleashed. To confine her in such a way seemed a sin.
Tonight, he stood silent in the group as he usually did, listening to their chatter and beyond that, the sounds of the forest at night. The nocturnal songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales. But his thoughts were of her, the Golden.
posted
This revised opening is certainly more curious, what with "the Golden" and all . . . but I personally found that whole paragraph a bit . . . I dunno, heavy handed?
quote:What satisfied him was her impartial judgment, the ferocity of her will, her dependability. A power that could only be demonstrated when she was unleashed. To confine her in such a way seemed a sin.
These lines in particular seem a bit over-the-top, like you're reciting them in your Dracula voice with a flashlight under your chin, ya know? Also, it's kinda more tell-y than show-y. I'd rather see Lonnie *doing* something with the fire, or remembering/imagining some specific scene, to put his musings about "the Golden's" beauty into some kind of context.
The second paragraph, however, which I already liked before (when it was first), is much better. Tighter. Still keeps the flow and the 5-senses appeal, and does so rather cleaner. So good on ya for that. Just work some of those 5 senses into the first paragraph, too, so I'm not floating in a void just staring at a fire. Or, you know, emphasize that I'm actually *supposed* to be floating in a void with nothing but the fire . . .
posted
"Lonnie lost himself in the flickering light, his secret love, the Golden. It was a small fire and he wished it much larger, but then he was never satisfied when it came to the size of a fire or the heat it produced. What satisfied him was her impartial judgment, the ferocity of her will, her dependability. A power that could only be demonstrated when she was unleashed. To confine her in such a way seemed a sin.
Tonight, he stood silent in the group as he usually did, listening to their chatter and beyond that, the sounds of the forest at night. The nocturnal songs of insects. The churning waters of the Wassac just a few yards away. The crunch of sand and gravel under their feet as they stood in this dim grotto, sipping beers and telling tales. But his thoughts were of her, the Golden."
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I like your attention to the reader's senses, the crunch of sand and gravel, the sounds of the insects. But there is a degree of 'Hand Waving' or purple prose, at least for me. The big words, like dependability, impartial judgment,demonstrated, unleashed. As a reader, if I notice the writer's stlyle, I'm out of the story. Good luck.
[This message has been edited by Grayhog (edited March 14, 2011).]
posted
Grayhog, please if you want to set things you are quoting from someone else or from some other post apart with the lines, you just need to put [quote] at the beginning of the quoted material and [/quote] at the end of the quoted material.
Then people will know which words are yours and which words you are quoting.
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