posted
In DON'T SAY SUPER, Jo Crew, recently graduated with a degree in "superhero studies," lands a dream job managing a team of superheroes in the city of Varsity--but when she finds the "Varsity Squad" is comprised of drunken, irresponsible, and mostly useless supers, she begins to suspect she has been set up to fail.
FIRST 13 LINES:
I stared into the mirror in the airport bathroom for five full minutes, having what I call a little “muster-upper.” I mustered up my courage, I mustered up my wherewithal, and I most of all I mustered up my smile, which folks back home said made them think of “apple pie on the Fourth of July.”
Sweet Lord in heaven, how I wished I was back home.
No, no, no, Josephine May Crew! You stop that right now! I was going to walk out of that airport, get into a taxi, and start my new life whether my inner coward liked it or not.
I gave one final nod to mirror-Josephine, picked up my pink plaid suitcase, and strode bold and beautiful out of the bathroom, somehow setting off every one of the motion activated hand dryers on my way.
[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited May 06, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited May 06, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited May 06, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2011).]
posted
Would she call herself Josephine May Crew? Or even Mirror Josephine? The last mention of her name I think should be just the word "me". Like no one acquainted with me. Just feels more consistent to the first person voice you have going for you.
All in all though, I really like it. I like the title. I like the synopsis, and the idea of the story. The voice feels funny and real. If you are looking for readers, I have a YA novel I'd be happy to switch chapters with you for.
Good work. ~Sheena
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited May 06, 2011).]
The main character immediately comes across as rather quirky, with a very strong narrative voice. I got the impression that this character has a very keen sense of self-awareness and high self-esteem. I like that it was established quickly by having the narrator refer to her reflection as "mirror-Josephine" and her gait as "bold and beautiful." I can tell she is no pushover and definitely in for the fight (at least that's how she thinks herself as).
Also, by setting off the hand dryers it made me wonder if it was sheer coincidence (those things can be touchy) or does she have some sort of super power? Definitely makes me want to keep reading.
PS When the MC referred to herself by her full name I got a Southern vibe from her so I didn't find it strange.
[This message has been edited by redux (edited May 06, 2011).]
I didn't like that she referred to herself by her full name. It just disrupted the flow for me. I now the feeling of giving myself a pep talk. And I have said more then once. "Come on Richard, get it together." But never my whole name.
Otherwise, it is really good. I did like the hand dryer bit. I felt like it was promising something else. Either someone else was in there with her (unseen) or she has some ability she is unaware of.
posted
I thought this had a nice bright breeziness about it which is well done.
Two very minro complaints: I think the first paragraph might be better ending at "mustered up my smile" and then cut the rest. It just seems to suit the rhythm of the language more IMO. And "inner coward" sounded a little weak, I think you could find something stronger.
At the moment I find the MC a touch annoying in the way she calls herself by her full name and describes herself as bold and beautiful, but then there's nothing wrong with that and she's coming across as a strong character already which is good.
posted
I love the character's voice, her spunk, and how you capture her personality right off the bat.. But the first paragraph bothers me. I like the idea, but it is the delivery that was off for some reason. it took me a while to figure out what i didn't like: she was telling herself how she felt instead of just feeling.
I stared into the mirror in the airport bathroom for five full minutes, having what I call a little “muster-upper.” I mustered up my courage, I mustered up my wherewithal, and I most of all I mustered up my smile, which folks back home said made them think of “apple pie on the Fourth of July.”
changed to be as she is reacting, not telling: I stared into the mirror in the airport bathroom for five full minutes, forcing myself to have a little “muster-upper.” First, I mustered up my courage, Then I mustered up my wherewithal. But most of all I mustered up my smile, some folks back home said that it made me look like “apple pie on the Fourth of July.
"Sweet Lord in heaven, how I wished I was back home." really like this line.
"No, no, no, Josephine May Crew! You stop that right now! I was going to walk out of that airport, get into a taxi, and start my new life whether my inner coward liked it or not." REally love this also !! I have no problem with the full name.
"I gave one final nod to mirror-Josephine, picked up my pink plaid suitcase, and strode bold and beautiful out of the bathroom," I would change how she strode, this seems like a POV error to me, Maybe how she felt when she strode. "somehow setting off every one of the motion activated hand dryers on my way."
I love the detail of the suitcase and the dryers going off is absolutely hilarious !
Printer-friendly view of this topic
