posted
Well, back into the fire I go after a short break - first 13 - modern fantasy - novel WIP - about 10 chapters so far. Title defines the concept of the book so I'm leaving it out for now.
Tomias stared at the concrete wall. It was an ordinary wall. Similar too many other walls, but today of all days this wall would help define his destiny. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Bree whispered. Her calm voice asserted a level of assurance that Tomais needed. “Just remember: Get a good pace, plant that foot, but not to high, tuck and spot your landing. It’s all you.” Tomais lacked words to say thank you. Trembling, he tried to visualize the back flip off the wall, but fear had blocked the signal and gave him nothing but static in return. It’s the moment that would send him and Bree spiraling down a path into a world of magic and darkness, and come face to face with what truly lay in their hearts.
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Tomias stared at the concrete wall. It was an ordinary wall. Similar too to many other walls, but today of all days of all days sounds like unnecessary fluff, unless it becomes significant later on this wall would help define his destiny. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Bree whispered. Her calm voice asserted a level of assurance that Tomais Tomais or Tomias? You use both. needed. “Just remember: Get a good pace, plant that foot, but not to too high, tuck and spot your landing. It’s all you.” Tomais lacked words to say thank you. Trembling, he tried to visualize the back flip off the wall, but fear had blocked the signal and gave him nothing but static in return. It’s verb tense-past or present? the moment that would send him and Bree spiraling down a path into a world of magic and darkness, and come to come face to face with what truly lay in their hearts.
sounds like a neat story. Except for a few typos, the lines look good. But if telling us your title gives the book away--won't it also do that for future readers? In which case, you might want to consider a title change or decide whether whatever it gives away must absolutely be kept secret or not. Otherwise, I like the sound of it so far! happy writing!
posted
Yeah, not a fan of the opening two sentences. They come off as pretty melodramatic. For one, I can't think of anything more boring than a concrete wall, and to start a story with someone staring at one, my immediate reaction was one of boredom. Maybe if you had him hyper-focus on some particular feature of the wall (like a crack or a chunk taken out of it), I'd have some more interest, or at least something more "concrete" to grab onto.
And the second sentence, concrete wall or not, is pretty cliche`. Is the wall really going to change his destiny, or is it what he does on the wall? And, since most stories, especially fantasy stories, are about a character discovering his or her destiny, is it really so necessary to state it at the outset?
posted
Tomias stared at the concrete wall. It was an ordinary wall. Similar too many other walls, but today of all days this wall would help define his destiny. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Bree whispered. Her calm voice asserted a level of assurance that Tomais needed. “Just remember: Get a good pace, plant that foot, but not to high, tuck and spot your landing. It’s all you.” Tomais lacked words to say thank you. Trembling, he tried to visualize the back flip off the wall, but fear had blocked the signal and gave him nothing but static in return. It’s the moment that would send him and Bree spiraling down a path into a world of magic and darkness, and come face to face with what truly lay in their hearts.
I think just one line about the darn wall might be enough here. that does drag on a bit. I also think the "define his destiny" part is a bit over-expected. Why does Tomais lack the words to say thank you? that part of his motivation is not real clear to me. Is he mute? or is he just a bit shy? Or is he frightened?
"Trembling, he tried to visualize the back flip off the wall, but fear had blocked the signal and gave him nothing but static in return." this line is odd. I can't make sense of this. signal? Is he wired? Or just frightened? "It’s the moment that would send him and Bree spiraling down a path into a world of magic and darkness, and come face to face with what truly lay in their hearts." I like the spiraling part....the magic is OK, the darkness is a bit trite. Maybe there is another word that can be used here? Maybe you could describe exactly what IS on the other side? "come face-to-face with ....." I really don't like that line. Too vague and yet too determinant at the same time, too soap-opera-ish. Most people do not go around looking to come face-to-face with what is in their hearts when they jump over a wall that is frightening for real in their lives. they do something to avoid pain, gain love or wealth, or save somebody. What does your character really want at this moment? To go with 'bree' somewhere-why? Maybe it will lead to this 'finding his heart' in the end, but he does not know that yet. Anyway. those are my probably useless thoughts. Use what works.
posted
So I liked the premise, and I want to know what is going on enough to keep reading, which is what the first 13 are for anyways. I think maybe he is at some athletic event, or preparing for a battle, or escaping prison or something.
However, the line "It’s all you" seems anachronistic. Seems like a teenager. It's like totally what a teenager would say, you know, like when they are, you know, trying to encourage someone and stuff? Word. I think that these medieval fantasy type bros wouldn't be fly with 'dat. Dig it?
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that does drag on a bit. I also think the "define his destiny" part is a bit over-expected. 
