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A dot of light in the cold, moonless sky brightened, stretched and lengthened into a fine line of fire. Taylor McPherson stopped to stare, transfixed, as the line slowly crept north across a black sea of stars. “What the hell is it?” Taylor shivered. It was moving far too slowly to be a shooting star. For just an instant, he thought of the space craft that his world had once lofted into orbit. Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit? The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that. Moments later, the fiery line ceased moving and faded to nothingness. Once again, the heavens became a black veil sprinkled with multi-hued stars. Posts: 216 | Registered: May 2011
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Well,up front, I know very little about writing. I figure, how can I tell an elephent how to use its trunk. I'll try though. I like your use of words. What got me first was, Taylor shivered. Did he shiver from the cold, or some thought of what it might be?
The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that.
It made me wonder, who's civilization? Man or another race. I would read on though and see what was coming next.
Posting your next two paragraphs in a different post is still posting them. I'd suggest removing them and sending to Craig in an e-mail.
Meanwhile, I liked your opening, but I found a few little things that made me pause. First, does he speak aloud? I assume so, but found it odd. I think that part could be inner dialog which you could use the Taylor thought to cover, thus showing your readers you're going to be doing that in this story. If not, maybe he'll talk to himself a lot a.k.a. Old Man and the Sea.
Space craft - is boring. Why did they launch it? Are we exploring other worlds or just floating around? I'm not looking for a literal answer, but maybe a different name for space craft.
The word orbit is an echo. Just use it once.
Plus, I find it odd he'd think it was a rocket because of the harsh reality, etc. Seems like an excuse to tell us civilization collapsed without "tell"ing us it did. I'd suggest working around this or waiting to reveal.
I really like the final line. Do we get to see his reaction to this occurrence? Does he just shrug and go home? Does he look it up on the internet later? I know you can't answer that in the 13, but it's something I'm going to want to know.
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What axeminister said, mbwood. Any more than the allowed 13 lines should be emailed.
Which is why I deleted your post with the next two paragraphs.
Since this is from a book, you can post the first 13 lines of the next chapter and subsequent chapters, but not the lines after the first 13 in your first chapter.
The questions are just what my mind is thinking while reading the 13. Things I would want answered because I felt they were posed, intentionally or not.
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Dear mbwood. Admittedly, I'm not particularly qualified to give advice, to anyone, about their writing. However, neither are most people who will read your book. So, I hope you will not take offense to my amateur opinions, since they may coincide with those of your future readers'. Perhaps breaking the first long sentence, into two smaller ones, might be a good idea. Long sentences, especially those involving many adjectives, or verbs, are a punctuational nightmare, at least for me. Furthermore, they tend to confuse the more inexperienced readers. I'm not sure if it's ok to quote from your posting, but since others do it, it's probably fine. "fine line of fire" is a succession of three double-syllable words, all using the same vowels. Maybe you can insert an adjective before "fire", so that they're spaced further apart. For example "fine line of shimmering fire". You could also replace "fire" with another expression, for example "fine line of brilliance, imposing over the dark sky" or some such. Why did the guy shiver? was it cold, goosebumps, horrifying realization? I'd rather sth like "...Taylor shivered feverishly ", or anything that justified it. Keep in mind, we don't know if he's on the north pole or in the tropics. Yes, "orbit" is an echo, as is "fiery line" ("fine line of fire"). Diversify more, keeps everything flowing better. I'm probably obsessive about it, but, I would suggest that you use more comas, to separate sentences within sentences. Strike my last, I AM obsessive about it, because I fail in it so miserably. All and all, it's interesting and I would keep on reading, wanting to find out why and whose civilization collapsed, who was with him (he asked someone to identify the fiery object)and, yes, why he shivered.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2011
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All I can say is that I can't picture what he is seeing even after three or four reads. If i can't do that, I generally put the book down. I also was confused about why he shivered. I assume it was because he was gettin' the willies about what the 'hell' is that that thing out there yonder. But it's just a light. I guess I did not get the emotion from your character that you wanted to convey. which was wonder, fear and awe, I assume? or shock?
I kept thinking-why is he freaking out over a light? It does not seem very spectacular to me. Anyway. I know it's only thirteen lines and it stinks to try to grab someone in thirteen, but that was my reaction.
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Okay, Kathleen, thank you for your guidance. I'll get it right - eventually. Now, since I can post the opening to the next chapter (Chapter 2), I will. This should suggest answers to questions posed...
Something struck the side of the Egg-that-Flies and made the space ship ring like a gong.
The ship’s navigator, Cha KinLaat, swept the scanners over the exterior of the hull. Nothing. Maybe it was an itinerant meteor. He reoriented four of the ship’s defenses on the forward section to cover its sides. They normally swept debris from the ship’s path while underway.
The Egg-that-Flies’ fusion drive started and the ship began to accelerate. Cha KinLaat planned on using the planet’s gravity to bend the ship’s course to one that would take it to a gas planet in the outer part of the system to get fuel.
Cha KinLaat expanded the scanner’s field of view to reveal a long, ungainly satellite. More space debris, he thought.
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mb, I'm sorry, but the egg-that-flies, cracks me up. pun intended. All I could picture was and egg flying through the air. I thought all manner of crafts were explored, but I must admit you thought outside the box. Maybe something like, Something unknown struck the egg shaped craft causing a gong like sound. Speaking for myself, I would think of an egg shaped flying ship.
_____________________________________________________________ quote He reoriented four of the ship’s defenses on the forward section to cover its sides. __________________________________________________
This didn't make sense to me.Why say you moved them to the forward section to cover the side of the craft. ___________________________________________________________ The Egg-that-Flies’ fusion drive started and the ship began to accelerate. _______________________________________________________________
You might want to think about, The fusion drive kicked in and the craft accelerated or something like that, but what do I know about flying eggs.
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A dot of light in the cold, moonless sky brightened, stretched and lengthened into a fine line of fire. Taylor McPherson stopped to stare, transfixed, as the line slowly crept north across a black sea of stars. “What the hell is it?” Taylor shivered. It was moving far too slowly to be a shooting star. For just an instant, he thought of the space craft that his world had once lofted into orbit. Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit? The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that. Moments later, the fiery line ceased moving and faded to nothingness. Once again, the heavens became a black veil sprinkled with multi-hued stars.
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Please feel free to use or disregard any of the following.
The first line could be combined with Taylor's thoughts.
I wanted a lot more Taylor. Why was he afraid of a ship? I also wanted a bit more about why he was staring into the sky. You might want to start closer to the action. Out of breath, Taylor found the glowing ship....
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Egg-that-flies is, quite obviously, the name of the craft. However, you might consider using it more sparingly. You can call it ship, craft, egg, vessel, transport (if it actually IS a transport), and so on.
What got me, is that the ship was named by an extremely low tech people, when compared to a spacefaring civilization. Native Americans come to mind. A spaceship named by "technological primitives".... interesting.
Moreover, the owner kept the name. Was he one of them? Did he simply respect them enough to do it? If he was one of them, how could he operate it? Neural interface? Again, interesting...
The reason that the defenses aimed forward to protect the sides is not very intuitive. Of course, due to the shape of the craft, they actually would. It's an egg, which means that the sides broaden outward, when seen from the front. So the weapons need to clear a wider path ahead, for the "swollen" sides to pass through.
As I said, perfectly reasonable, not very intuitive.
"Scanner's field of view" could do with some improvement. Field of "view" is something you expect on binoculars, periscopes, eyes, telescopes, optical devices in general. I would think that the scanners on a spacecraft would be more sophisticated. "scanner's range" might be more accurate.
"Cha KinLaat planned on using the planet’s gravity to bend the ship’s course to one that would take it to a gas planet in the outer part of the system to get fuel." Smoker or not, I'm one lung short for that one.
Loved the shape of the vessel, loved the fuel idea.
Be more specific about the defenses. Be they fusion canons, or pulse lasers, or plasma beams, or devastators, or whatever. Give them a cool name.
All and all, very impressive. It needn't be perfect, that's what editors are for.
posted
Hmm, I can see from the comments that the first and second thirteen lines don’t get the reader pointed in the direction of the story line of the novel.
That isn’t the reader’s fault, but mine, the writer’s.
With queries and submissions, there’s usually a synopsis or ‘blurb’ (equivalent to the back cover) that summarizes the story or offers a ‘tease’ of the story.
So, if I may, I offer the ‘blurb’ for the novel ‘Stranger:’
The alien Qu’uda’s giant space ship orbits the post-apocalyptic Earth. A leftover space-based rail gun detects the alien ship’s fusion drive and fires at it. The resulting explosion knocks the ship into an unstable orbit. The Qu’uda, now stranded above Earth, send an agent down to the planet to make parts to repair their ship. The agent, who takes over a city-state in western Ohio, triggers a war with Taylor MacPherson’s people. The Qu’uda agent’s advanced alien technology provides an initial advantage. Conflict escalates into an all-out battle that exacts a terrible cost. The Qu’uda leave, promising to return and bomb the humans back into a Stone-age condition.
quote:A dot of light in the cold, moonless sky brightened, stretched and lengthened into a fine line of fire. Taylor McPherson stopped to stare, transfixed, as the line slowly crept north across a black sea of stars. “What the hell is it?” Taylor shivered. It was moving far too slowly to be a shooting star. For just an instant, he thought of the space craft that his world had once lofted into orbit. Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit? The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that. Moments later, the fiery line ceased moving and faded to nothingness. Once again, the heavens became a black veil sprinkled with multi-hued stars.
I like word pictures and word music; so I enjoyed the "cold, moonless sky" and the repeating i's in "fine line of fire." "Black sea of stars" and "a black veil sprinkled with multi-hued stars" were also good.
OTOH, you have adjacent sentences ending in "orbit." "Space craft" is ambiguous in that it could be singular or plural. But your greatest shortcoming is that your MC has the same surname as mine.
There's a hook there, a sense that something might be happening; alternatively, he might just be looking at the stars. But I would turn the page.
quote: For just an instant, he thought of the space craft that his world had once lofted into orbit. Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit?
into orbit/into orbit endings here - you should definitely change the structure to switch things up.
quote:The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that.
I think this information would be better revealed gradually, on the need-to-know basis of the reader. You hint at a recent collapse of civilization by Taylor's memories of ships once launched... implying that they no longer are. In the intro like this, it sounds more like just telling the reader "FYI - this is a postapocalyptic book." I think the hook works fine if you just excise that statement.
Posts: 500 | Registered: May 2008
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quote: A dot of light in the cold, moonless sky brightened, stretched and lengthened into a fine line of fire. Taylor McPherson stopped to stare, transfixed, as the line slowly crept north across a black sea of stars. “What the hell is it?” Taylor shivered. It was moving far too slowly to be a shooting star. For just an instant, he thought of the space craft that his world had once lofted into orbit. Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit? The harsh reality of life after civilization’s collapse extinguished all hope of that. Moments later, the fiery line ceased moving and faded to nothingness. Once again, the heavens became a black veil sprinkled with multi-hued stars.
Not too bad, I get the basic idea, you have a hint of what could be the problem ... I think it just needs some tweaking. I don't mind the term space craft-it's what it is. Or could be, that is. Not sure if lofted is the word you want there, it sounds funny. People do whisper things when surprised, maybe you should say he whispered or spoke in awe or??? But if it could be a shooting star it would be coming down not going up.
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I agree with most of what's been said above. Which was a lot, and I suddenly can't remember any of it, to recap . . . lol.
One thought I had which I don't think has been said yet: I'm getting a little "white room syndrome" from this blurb. The only things I can see are the stars, the streak of light, and Taylor. Though re-reading it, you said he "stopped to stare." Stopped doing what? Is he alone, or with a crowd? Is this thing causing a lot of whispers, or is he the only person inclined to look up and wonder? I think I'd like to see what's going on there on the ground, where everything's more immediate and visceral and relatable, rather than spend the whole 13 just stargazing. With some navel-gazing thrown in. Might make the strangeness of the "shooting star" more pronounced, in contrast. Perhaps.
However, I'm a little puzzled about your comment 'White Room Syndrome' and how it applies to this opening. Y'see, I describe a moonless night in a post-apocalyptic world as accurately as I can. I do understand the conventional meaning of 'white room syndrome.' I don't understand your usage.
Where do I get the experience to do this? I have spent nights in a sleeping bag in the Nullarbor at least several hundred miles from any of the lights of civilization in an area with very clean air. The night sky looks quite different under those conditions. The number of visible stars is the greatest I’ve ever observed – that’s why I said ‘across a black sea of stars.’
Also, shooting stars / meteors do not leave a ‘fine line of fire’ across the night sky – nor do they slowly creep across. They ‘streak’ across the night sky.
So, I’m puzzled. If you can clarify your comment about the White Room Syndrome, perhaps I can polish this opening some more.
Oh, yes. What do you mean by ‘navel gazing?’ It gives me a queasy impression of self-adsorption.
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In this instance, I mean "white room" as in I don't know where your character is--for my first read-through I pictured him standing on the balcony of a large house. For no particular reason on my part--just the image my brain decided to supply. From your comment above about a Nullarbor (which I just Googled to understand better), I assume the MC is out in the wilderness somewhere? So to that extent, it's a white room. I know he's looking at the sky, but I don't know where he *is.* Which really may not be all that important just yet . . . but that's what I meant.
And yeah, "navel-gazing" is just an amusing term for introspection. The line about "the harsh reality of civilization's collapse . . ." seems just a little too spelled out, IMO. A bit too "tell" over "show," feeling sort of info-dumpy, coming this early on. It doesn't quite feel like a natural train of thought for Taylor. I'd prefer something that keeps it vague but more immediate, like: "Could it be a rocket climbing into orbit? No, that was impossible."
Of course, these are simply my opinion, and are really quite tiny nits, I think. I had to dig and re-read a bit to come up with them, because I wanted to put the effort in to pay you back in some kind for your most helpful critique on my piece. So I hope you take it as a compliment--the pickier I get, the more it means I appreciate the piece.
Thank you for your clarification. I guess I'm kind of 'old school' when it comes to definitions -especially those which come from the 'Turkey City Lexicon.' For example, their definition of White Room Syndrome:
White Room Syndrome:
A clear and common sign of the failure of the author’s imagination, most often seen at the beginning of a story, before the setting, background, or characters have gelled. “She awoke in a white room.” The ‘white room’ is a featureless set for which details have yet to be invented — a failure of invention by the author. The character ‘wakes’ in order to begin a fresh train of thought — again, just like the author. This ‘white room’ opening is generally followed by much earnest pondering of circumstances and useless exposition; all of which can be cut, painlessly.
Based upon the above definition, I was looking for those items that were a 'failure of the author's imagination,' or 'failure of invention,' or 'ernest pondering of circumstances and useless exposition.' Obviously, we have different definitions. Perhaps you have suggestions what parts of this opening should be cut.
As for your reference to navel gazing, I wondered where the viewpoint character (who you refer to as MC) was too focused on a single issue.
Navel Gazing (a definition):
The term “navel gazing” is used to refer to intense self-reflection, often with the implication that the individual doing the navel gazing is self-absorbed or that he or she is too focused on a single issue, at the cost of ignoring other important issues. Being accused of navel gazing isn't necessarily a bad thing; sometimes a little bit of contemplation can be a productive pursuit, especially when someone is trying to reach a decision about something important.
Perhaps I need to do a little bit more contemplation on my opening.
Anyway, keep the comments coming. I will have another opening to post - soon.
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So I hope you take it as a compliment--the pickier I get, the more it means I appreciate the piece. 
