Okay, here's an opening-13 lines of it- on a novel I'm doing. I would like any suggestions for the My special help sentence. It sounds a bit clunky.

It's girl and someone else thought I should say that but I'm not sure where to put it in or if I really need to. There are some hints after all.

I am working on chapter two, almost done with it, but with this one I seem to be having problems with too much backstory, which you can't see here but if someone wants to take a look see that would be appreciated. By the way the first chapter is around 9,000 words and has some neat action...I hope.

And I'm not sure about the title. She just moved to Boulder and belongs to a group of Mages her age and power level, which is just below the half way level. But the story seems to be headed in a slightly different direction from when I thought up the title which is okay just have to come up with a new title. She is young twenty something and has, like most Urban Fantasy female main Characters, a lot of emotional baggage.

So without further delay:

I turned and glared up at the guy who wanted to sit with me. I resisted both the impulse to blast him and to run my hand over my short, mostly red hair. Not only is the hand brush a habit IÕm trying to break, it would ruin my back off stare. I wasnÕt there to hook up. Someone possibly needed my help. My special help dealing with things that go bump in the night and those who controlled the things that went bump.

I also have no sense of setting. It would be nice to know where she is to ground the reader.

Finally, the mc seems a little too preoccupied with her hair instead of the people she is supposed to help.

Sorry, the prose is good, but I'm not hooked.

MAP Thanks, I can see your point except that the guy disappears soon after this. He has one other very short appearance when a zombie-no, it's a not a zombie story- steps on his foot. They are just temporary bad guys.

I can try to put in something about it being a club sooner. It's in there but after the 13 lines. Something like I didn't come to the club to hook up.

Very few people I know would be thinking things about their hair in an annoying situation. Furthermore, I don't think they'd be thinking the color of it (Again, unless they were self-absorbed).

However, all of that being said, you could be leading up to something here. This is simply based upon the first thirteen, so don't take it too harshly. Also, I'm certainly no pro, so there's that, too.

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Hey LDWriter. She's focusing a lot on her hair, and that for me is indicative of a fairly self-absorbed person. This might be your intent, or it might not be, but that's how it comes across for me.
Very few people I know would be thinking things about their hair in an annoying situation. Furthermore, I don't think they'd be thinking the color of it (Again, unless they were self-absorbed).

However, all of that being said, you could be leading up to something here. This is simply based upon the first thirteen, so don't take it too harshly. Also, I'm certainly no pro, so there's that, too.

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Thanks,
Actually her focus on her hair was meant to bring attention to her hair and as a place to allow a description of her hair. It is mentioned later but not as a major component. She thinks he may have been attracted to her because of her hair even though she doesn't color it for that type of attention.

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Actually her focus on her hair was meant to bring attention to her hair and as a place to allow a description of her hair. It is mentioned later but not as a major component. She thinks he may have been attracted to her because of her hair even though she doesn't color it for that type of attention.

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IMO this is the wrong reason to bring up her hair color. I think you should stick with what she would naturally be thinking at this time.

I get the feeling that her hair color may be important to the story, but you shouldn't mention it in this much detail until she would naturally think of it.

Otherwise, the reader gets the wrong impression of the character. Like Gan did, and I have to say I agree with him. It makes her come across as superficial. Which is okay if that is who she is, but if she is not, then your character is going to come off as inconsistent.

Right now the reader is trying to get a sense of who your mc is. Everything she says and thinks will influence our perception of her. Make sure we see her personality as she really is and don't force her to say or think things just because you want the reader to know about them. There is time to work all of that information in when it becomes important to the mc and the story.

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IMO this is the wrong reason to bring up her hair color. I think you should stick with what she would naturally be thinking at this time.

I get the feeling that her hair color may be important to the story, but you shouldn't mention it in this much detail until she would naturally think of it.

Otherwise, the reader gets the wrong impression of the character. Like Gan did, and I have to say I agree with him. It makes her come across as superficial. Which is okay if that is who she is, but if she is not, then your character is going to come off as inconsistent.

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Wasn't sure where to put this so I searched for this thread.

I've started the last or second to the last chapter. My MC NA, a midlevel mage, is about the fight the more powerful bad guy and save the day. She just transported to the bad guy's house and as I've have already established she vomits after the transport. My original idea was that he would be there and they start the fight but now I'm not sure.

Maybe no one is there and she has to find the guy and during the search she joins with two of her friends who are captive but escape from their cell.

Or he is there, thinks she is not much of an opponent and send her to the basement.

Or he thinks she is still a member of his cult so just tells her to join the others.

Or do my original idea and they start the fight. But she still needs to get down to the basement to join her friends as they escape the cell.