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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Evangeline -- seeking readthrough swap

   
Author Topic: Evangeline -- seeking readthrough swap
enigmaticuser
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Here's the first thirteen from a complete first draft (116k). The first of a three part space epic (threats of war, political intrigue, assassination, clones, aliens) . . . no nothing like clone wars. I've got my listening ears on?
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Only the highly-advanced evolution of what used to be glass kept Evangeline from the starry vacuum of space. The concave transparency curtained down past the ship's deck. Clear stars bare cast the shape of her thin nose and gave only a cold silver to her hair. "It's like sailing on a clear night, don't you think?" her mother had asked her as a child.

Evangeline did not remember her own reply, but she remembered that she never felt that way. Her eyes fell to her feet, a pair of black shoes on a cliff over endless light-years. The void tugging her. Space travel was not like sailing. It was more like falling.

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Oh, and if anyone should want, I'm looking for an alpha reader with a good turn around time for a plot/pace/character read/swap. Nothing too indepth).

[ October 30, 2012, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: enigmaticuser ]

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History
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Line 1: I stumbled just a moment until my mind adapted and perceived the setting (and technology) you describe. Then I felt right at home.

Line 2: I'm not sure "curtained" works, because curtains conceal. Something a simple as "curved" may be better since "concave" is curved, and curved distances (e.g. a horizen) is readily understood.

Line 3: I do't understand the first words "Clear stars bare cast the shape...".

Line 4: new paragraph.

Line 5: Mismatch between line 4's "It's like sailing..." and "she never felt that way..." Shouldn't it be: "It never felt that way to her."

line 6: With the "evolution" in glass, I found the "a pair of black shoes" mundane. I'd hope for something slightly more exotic, or something that seems even more incongruous (e.g. "sandals") over the "cliff (of) endless lightyears"(love this image!).

lines 7-9: Love this as well.
I'd definitely read on.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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enigmaticuser
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Thanks Dr. Bob. All good observations. I had the thirteen already down and as I was putting it in kept thinking "that would be better this way . . . " I'm afraid some bleed through occurred.

I've edited the Line 3 "Clear stars barely . . . " Yes, an adverb.

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Denevius
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Hello, I may be interested in a novel swap, but first I'd like to test run a 30,000 words or so swap, if you're interested.

Let me know.

todd

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enigmaticuser
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Denevius, I would have said yes, but, alas! I ran out of time and ended up committed for a couple month stretch to an exchange group in the "groups" section. So I no longer have the time resource to do another swap . . .

If you're still interested, midway through December (I expect real world work will cut back at that point for about two weeks), shoot me an email!

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