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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Natural Police: Chapter 3 - Fade

   
Author Topic: Natural Police: Chapter 3 - Fade
Denevius
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Daniel reached over to the iPhone on the table beside his bed and checked the time: 5:03 oh jeon. He set it down with a thud. Three hours of sleep, again. Daniel turned over on his back and stared up at the white ceiling as the fan next to his bed blew humid air over his naked body. A breeze blew in from his open window, but it did little to cool the small apartment. Daniel closed his eyes and thought that maybe if he just sat like that for a while, he’d go back to sleep. All day at work he’d crave it, to drift off for hours leaving the world behind. But he’d tried staying in bed and forcing it weeks ago, maybe months now, and it hadn’t worked.

Insomnia, he thought. Wasn’t that something only characters in movies suffered? With a resigned sigh, Daniel sat up in his bed,

[ May 20, 2013, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Denevius
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The opening of chapter 3. All comments on this welcomed, as well as comments on the completed first two chapters, which are about 7000 words.
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Grumpy old guy
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You've named the character 'Daniel' 3 times in the first paragraph and once in the first two lines of the second paragraph; afraid we won't remember who he is?

Also, the narrative distance changes between the first paragraph and the second. I don't mind narrative distance changes, in general, but not in the same scene.

Phil.

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Denevius
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Good point. Thanks for the catch with the name. I think it was subconscious. I was unsure what I wanted the name to be for weeks now, but I knew I wanted it to be Biblical, and I finally settled on Daniel. Maybe my "agonizing" over it showed up as repetition in the first draft of the beginning of this chapter.

Now that I think of it, maybe I'll make it Nathaniel. There actually was a guy I knew back in high school with that name who was going to be a priest, and since that's the same road this character's on, it might make it easier to write.

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Denevius
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Nathaniel reached over to the iPhone on the table beside his bed and checked the time: 5:03 oh jeon. He set it down with a thud. Three hours of sleep, again. He turned over on his back and stared up at the white ceiling as the fan next to his bed blew humid air over his naked body. A breeze drifted in from his open window, but it also did little to cool the small apartment. Nathaniel closed his eyes and thought that maybe if he just sat like that for a while, he’d go back to sleep. All day at work he’d crave it, to drift off for hours leaving the world behind. But he’d tried staying in bed and forcing it weeks ago, maybe months now, and it hadn’t worked.
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