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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Natural Police: Chapter 3 - Fade

   
Author Topic: Natural Police: Chapter 3 - Fade
Denevius
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[ June 03, 2015, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Denevius
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The opening of chapter 3. All comments on this welcomed, as well as comments on the completed first two chapters, which are about 7000 words.
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Grumpy old guy
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You've named the character 'Daniel' 3 times in the first paragraph and once in the first two lines of the second paragraph; afraid we won't remember who he is?

Also, the narrative distance changes between the first paragraph and the second. I don't mind narrative distance changes, in general, but not in the same scene.

Phil.

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Denevius
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Good point. Thanks for the catch with the name. I think it was subconscious. I was unsure what I wanted the name to be for weeks now, but I knew I wanted it to be Biblical, and I finally settled on Daniel. Maybe my "agonizing" over it showed up as repetition in the first draft of the beginning of this chapter.

Now that I think of it, maybe I'll make it Nathaniel. There actually was a guy I knew back in high school with that name who was going to be a priest, and since that's the same road this character's on, it might make it easier to write.

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Denevius
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[ June 03, 2015, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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