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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » A Life Dreamt

   
Author Topic: A Life Dreamt
Jed Anderson
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He knows he is alive, but how does he knows this? He knows that the cool fluid that he feels surrounding him is water. He keeps his eyes closed because, from the depth of his mind, he remembers water can irritate them. He does not know how he knows this, or why. Where am I, he wonders.

His eyes, muscles, and joints ache, but his naked body is comfortable in the coolness of water. He keeps his eyes closed and makes an attempt to move his hands. Are they hands? He stretches his fingers out and moves them. He can feel his tight skin stretch against the tips of his fingers. He makes a fist. His fingernails, long and over grown, press against his palm. He feels his muscles and tendons pull as they are stretched and flexed for the first time in—How long have I been here? The

[ February 02, 2013, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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ForlornShadow
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I like the idea you're going for here. There are some really good details such as the tightening of skin as he makes a fist, the fact that his nails are overgrown. The first part of it is a little awkward and choppy. The first phrase: He knows he is alive, is interesting and it draws me in. However, the question after it is a bit odd. You could start:

He knows he is alive; at least he's pretty sure he's alive.

Then go into the second paragraph; taking elements of the first and integrating them into the second. For example:

His eyes, muscles, and joints ache, but his naked body is comfortable in the coolness of water. He keeps his eyes closed; because, from the depth of his mind, he remembers water can irritate them. He makes an attempt to move his hands.

Otherwise I liked it a lot. I would be interested in reading more. You grab the reader's attention right away. Where is he? What's going to happen? It's a jump-right-in kind of story. At least that's the feel I get from it. Keep it up. [Big Grin]

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easterabbit
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Is this the start? Sounds like it's a 'waking opening', which is an overdone device.
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JSchuler
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While I'm not against waking openings in principle, I'm getting a standard boot-up sequence. And what do you do with a computer that's booting up? You wait. I'm at the start of your story, ready to read, and the first thing I get is you saying "Please hold while the MC comes online. Current Status: Verifying hands." That forces me to entertain myself in the meantime, which, as you can see, results in snarky rejoinders to the writing. Not good.
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Estee
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This is a slow start, but intriguing. I didn't like that so many of your sentences start with "He."
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micmcd
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quote:
Where am I, he wonders.
I'm not a big fan of doing thoughts like this. It may be a matter of taste, but the methods of including internal thoughts that feel the most natural when I read them are:

1. Where am I? he wonders.
2. Where is this place?
3. He wonders where he is.

If the waking character is the narrator, then you can just include his thoughts as narration if you change the tone a little (2nd version).

Other than that style of thought, I actually sort of enjoyed the new take on the trope. I envisioned it as a human booting up, and didn't mind the "waking start."

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MattLeo
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quote:
Originally posted by easterabbit:
Is this the start? Sounds like it's a 'waking opening', which is an overdone device.

My thoughts exactly.
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