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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Juvel 13 lines

   
Author Topic: Juvel 13 lines
SASpencer
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I would appreciate feedback on the first lines of this YA novel in progress. Thanks.

It just wasn’t fair. I was only 16 when the pre-dawning nightmares began and they shouldn’t have started until I turned nineteen. Why was I so different?
“Every body’s different.” My boyfriend Jude had said. He ought to know. Until a year ago, he thought he was human.
Stop daydreaming about Jude. I glanced at the dashboard clock, and stepped on the gas pedal, going slightly over the speed limit to make up for lost time. Finally, diving down the hill, a vista of San Diego tract houses presented themselves, a myriad of tile roofs had replaced the unsafe old shake roofs that might ignite from canyon fires fed by a stray match and the Santa Anna winds. Fire fascinated me.
It was mom’s idea for me to skip my last class. I parked my old Honda in front and got out of the car. I knew she’d be frantic.

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kmsf
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Thanks for posting. The first part where the narrator is lamenting her problem feels like an info dump. The question also pulls me out of the story - FWIW I really don't need it because the previous sentence gives me the sense the narrator is different. For immediacy, the paragraph might start with the glance at the dashboard and acceleration, but it's your call. I wonder if you could intersperse the driving activity with the thoughts to make it feel more natural and give the reader a sense of movement.
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SASpencer
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I'm sorry, can you please explain what you mean by FWIW? Thanks.

I like your idea about the interspersing the driving.

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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FWIW = for what it's worth

I need to update the online abbreviations topic:

http://www.hatrack.com/cgi-bin/ubbwriters/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000011;p=0&r=nfx#000002

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SASpencer
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Thanks.
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kmsf
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Sorry, Sandy. Thanks, Kathleen.
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Denevius
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Hello Spencer,

I don't know how much you've written, but I'm looking to swap Prologues, or the first 4000 words, if you're interested.

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SASpencer
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I'm still working on a scene list and the 1st 13 was an attempt to figure out what scenes I want in the beginning, since the rest of the book is easy in comparison.

However, I have a short story that is almost 4000 words if you are interested.

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