posted
“Thwelin.” The Storage supervisor eyed the young lysiscan worker standing in front of him. The untidy braid of black hair, the messy clothes...and yet, he liked the eager light in Thwelin’s grey eyes. The supervisor sighed. “You’ve heard how we’re planning to move some big storage bins down here. I realize it’s a scut of a job, but I need someone who reads Agahharn to go through all this half-burned trash before we clear it out. Just in case something’s been overlooked.” The supervisor kicked one of the bales. “Some loot. Agahharn compost is more like it. No one’s touched this stuff since it came onworld years ago.”
This was not what Thwelin had expected when he had been called deep underground into this warren of storage cells. After days of sifting through what amounted to garbage, Thwelin discovered something. He almost tossed the strange note
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This is an interesting beginning. I had to read it twice to figure out what was going on. If you're looking for someone to read a bit of this, I'm game for a swap of several chapters.
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quote:After days of sifting through what amounted to garbage, Thwelin discovered something.
Did this happen before the exchange above? It follows "This was not what Thwelin had expected when..." so I'm expecting a flashback of sorts.
If not, I'm wondering why you don't cut and start with "Thwelin almost tossed the strange note..." A flash forward of days after this brief encounter with the supervisor just doesn't feel right.
quote:“You’ve heard how we’re planning...
Has the feel of an "As you know, Bob..." exposition.
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“Thwelin.” The Storage supervisor eyed the young warrior caste standing before him. The untidy braid of black hair, the messy clothes...and yet, he liked the eager light in Thwelin’s grey eyes. The supervisor sighed. “You’ve heard how we’re planning to move some big storage bins down here. I realize it’s a scut of a job, but I need someone who reads Agahharn to go through all this half-burned trash,” the supervisor kicked one of the bales, “before we clear it out. Just in case something’s been overlooked. No one’s touched this stuff since it came onworld years ago.”
That was not what Thwelin had expected when called into this warren of storage cells. He thought he knew which of his co-workers recommended him for such a useless job. Well, there would be payback.
posted
YES, I like the second incarnation MUCH better!
The 2 big things in the first version were 1)the use of too many unfamiliar words up front, and 2) the transition between the opening scene and what he'd found.
The 2nd version is MUCH more clear, and the hook at the end is guud.
posted
You may be right. And yet...it's still limping. What about this--
“Thwelin.” The Storage supervisor eyed the young warrior caste standing before him. The untidy braid of black hair, the messy clothes...and yet, he liked the eager light in Thwelin’s grey eyes. The supervisor sighed. “You’ve heard how we’re planning to move some big storage bins down here. I realize it’s a scut of a job, but I need someone who reads Agahharn to go through all this half-burned trash before we clear it out. Just in case something’s been overlooked." The supervisor gingerly toed one of the bales. "No one’s touched this stuff since it came onworld years ago.”
That was not what Thwelin had expected when called into this warren of storage cells. He thought he knew which of his co-workers recommended him for such a useless job. Well, there would be payback.
Anyone else interested it reading a chapter or two?
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This opening is going along fairly strong. The premise is strong. The flow is fair, though I agree it limps a little. I think if you revisited mechanical style principles, syntax and diction mostly, you might strengthen the parts and whole.
Like starting with dialogue. "Thwelin." hangs out in a black disembodied mind and voice vacuum. Who says that? The supervisor or the warrior caste? Is it the warrior saying his name or the supervisor saying the warrior's name, caste, or ethnicity? Or the warrior saying the supervisor's name?
Could "untidy" be instead a clearer and stronger description? Maybe frayed or frazzled, or crudely or sloppy? Same with "messy," maybe some other more meaningful description, like, again, frayed, sloppy, of disheveled?
"...and yet," ellipsis points signal missing but obvious words; in other words, an ellipsis, which is words omitted that are clearly implied and readily understood. They may also signal broken thought or speech, though, again, when the trailed off or broken thought or speech is clearly implied and readily understood. For example, I was going to say I was off the mark, but . . .
"The supervisor sighed." I don't think "sighed" signals a meaning on its own, nor does the setup for it signal the particular emtional intent of the sigh. Also, the supervisor's sigh seems in contradiction tp him liking the eagerness in the warrior's eyes. The supervisor is having wild mood swings, from dismissing the warrior for his unkempt appearance, to liking his eagerness, to sighing. I think the intent is to show the supervisor sizing up the warrior.
Yet the opening paragraph comes from the supervisor's perspective. The second paragraph comes from the warrior's perspective. The transition feels abrupt.
"big storage bins," do you mean something like gaylords? A gaylord is a large corrugated box, fixed onto a wooden or metal pallet, containing dry broken bulk items: small loose items, loose parts, or small packaged items, often packed in excelsior. Okay, very few readers will know what a gaylord is. But I think you get the idea; I mean more specific terminology that a warehouse supervisor might use.
"I realize it's a scut of a job" Does the supervisor have a self-involved character? His mediating his expression with "I realize" suggests he does, but that's contrary to him taking the warrior's feelings into consideration. By itself, "The job is scut" strongly and clearly expresses the intent I think.
"all this" kind of a superlative excess in "all" without much to say for its meaning.
"gingerly toed," the adverb gingerly suggests the supervisor is a timid sort, contrary to my expectation of a burly warehouseman. Maybe simply nudged the bale with a toe, for example.
Be wary of vague subject referent pronouns this, that, and there. Consider recasting for stronger and clearer syntax.
Also, be wary of discourse markers (empty interjections) like "well," and empty adverbs like "just."
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This opening is going along fairly strong. The premise is strong. The flow is fair, though I agree it limps a little. I think if you revisited mechanical style principles, syntax and diction mostly, you might strengthen the parts and whole.
Like starting with dialogue. "Thwelin."
-- You’re right. This first “Thwelin” goes away.
Could "untidy" be instead a clearer and stronger description? Maybe frayed or frazzled, or crudely or sloppy?
I can’t seem to find a good synonym for untidy. Can you really picture braids of hair as “frayed?” Or as frazzled? Sloppy...maybe... But “crudely”? Hmmm..I guess – the crudely single braid of black hair – oops, that won’t do at all – the crude single braid --????
For messy...how about “the ill-fitting clothes” --?? But ill-fitting has a different and more permanent meaning to it. Messy COULD mean he isn’t taking good care of his appearance while ill-fitting would rather imply he has no choice, he’s been given/assigned unsuitable clothes
Same with "messy," maybe some other more meaningful description, like, again, frayed, sloppy, of disheveled?
-- His clothes are neither frayed nor sloppy. -- disheveled? -- to become disarranged and untidy, according to Webster – no, I still think a nice, simple “messy” works okay here. I don’t want for the reader to stumble right here in the opening.
"...and yet," ellipsis points signal missing but obvious words; in other words, an ellipsis, which is words omitted that are clearly implied and readily understood. They may also signal broken thought or speech, though, again, when the trailed off or broken thought or speech is clearly implied and readily understood. For example, I was going to say I was off the mark, but . . .
I want some sort of punctuation that acts as a slight pause here. A comma doesn’t seem to really be adequate. Any suggestions?
"The supervisor sighed." I don't think "sighed" signals a meaning on its own, nor does the setup for it signal the particular emotional intent of the sigh. Also, the supervisor's sigh seems in contradiction to him liking the eagerness in the warrior's eyes. The supervisor is having wild mood swings, from dismissing the warrior for his unkempt appearance, to liking his eagerness, to sighing. I think the intent is to show the supervisor sizing up the warrior. How about -- . The supervisor sighed. He knew he’d better get on with crushing the young warrior caste’s hopes. – Or perhaps --. The supervisor sighed. He knew he was going to crush the young warrior caste’s hopes.
Yet the opening paragraph comes from the supervisor's perspective. The second paragraph comes from the warrior's perspective. The transition feels abrupt.
-- What I was hoping to effect was to slowly sink into Thwelin’s pov. First paragraph is (I hoped) more a narrator’s effect then with the second paragraph the reader sinks into Thwelin’s pov. This is not working, then?
"big storage bins," do you mean something like gaylords? A gaylord is a large corrugated box, fixed onto a wooden or metal pallet, containing dry broken bulk items: small loose items, loose parts, or small packaged items, often packed in excelsior. Okay, very few readers will know what a gaylord is. But I think you get the idea; I mean more specific terminology that a warehouse supervisor might use.
(WORD is trying to helpful with all these cute little paragraphing...things) I hate it, but can’t find a better, cheap wp!!!
I have so much alien “stuff” to weave into the story, I hoped by using common words for the more mundane stuff, the reader would have patience to focus on the exotic ideas?????
"I realize it's a scut of a job" Does the supervisor have a self-involved character? His mediating his expression with "I realize" suggests he does, but that's contrary to him taking the warrior's feelings into consideration. By itself, "The job is scut" strongly and clearly expresses the intent I think.
"all this" kind of a superlative excess in "all" without much to say for its meaning -- Yes, I can see that the “all” borders on the unnecessary. I’ll have to ponder that. Read it aloud ten times both ways..
"gingerly toed," the adverb gingerly suggests the supervisor is a timid sort, contrary to my expectation of a burly warehouseman. Maybe simply nudged the bale with a toe, for example.
Yes, I’m merely (as opposed to “just”) casting about for some action to comfortably make a slight pause in the supervisor’s speech to sort of give the reader a pause – it just “feels” right to have one somewhere right around here before the reader leaves this snippet. Be wary of vague subject referent pronouns this, that, and there. Consider recasting for stronger and clearer syntax. --I’m not certain I understand what you are getting at here about this, that, and there.
Also, be wary of discourse markers (empty interjections) like "well," and empty adverbs like "just."
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Word has proprietary formatting and character glyphs that don't translate to Bulletin Board code. One way to do bullet points in BBC is to use the list code. Syntax: [list][*]list item[/list] Mark the beginning of each list item with the [*] . That syntax will display a bullet point in front of an indented text string like so;
Ipsum lorem
lorem ipsum
I wonder if instead of describing the braid a different term may express the visual sensation more artfully. Like rope of black hair. Other fiber types like yarn, string, wire cable, twisted vine. I think what you're going for is to show that the braid was roughly plaited in a bunched cord.
Same with the clothes, maybe they don't fit the warrior's shape and they were hastily put on.
Punctuation that signals pauses may be comma, period, em dash, colon, semicolon, ellipsis points, or less conventionally for prose: parentheses, brackets, braces.
I feel more artful pauses than punctuation are slight changes in direction. Like the supervisor might have some kind of personal reaction to the visual sensation of the warrior's appearance that expresses what the warrior's appearance means to the supervisor. Or use both a reaction and punctuation to signal a strong pause, as if the supervisor is taken aback.
For example, The coarse rope of black hair, misfit uniform—yet an eager light shone in Thwelin’s grey eyes: a young man with a burning passion. This example slips away from the supervisor's perspective into the narrator's, too, ideal for smoothly transitioning or closing gently into Thewlin's viewpoint.
"Sighed" no matter how it's used alone or with context I feel works strongest when used as an intransitive verb; in other words, takes an object. Of if used as a transitive verb requires texture, like how the sigh is expressed. Unfortunately, sighed as a transitive is a case where a meaningful adverb might be necessary to express how the sigh is given.
Adverbs like deeply don't express an emotional intent. Forcefully might. Stronger yet but awkward, resignedly or with resignation. A cue can be taken from using the narrator's voice, though. Say the narrator reports the supervisor sighed shallowly out of regret, or reservation, but he must strip away the young warrior's enthusiasm. (My voice and me projecting what I think the intent and meaning are though.)
The supervisor toeing the bale for a pause is artful and adds an external action that lends solidity and verisimiltude to the scene. Your instincts are strong there. Interleavening sensation, action, thought, dialogue, and emotion in a scene makes for strong reader immersion into a story's moment and place, especially the little telling details like a setting's ambience.
Your intuition to gently introduce readers to the alieness of the setting is sharp too.
As to gradually sinking into Thewlin's viewpoint, I think I've spoken to that somewhat above. Focus in the initial paragraph on the narrator's viewpoint and slip away from the supervisor's. A transition setup at the end of the first paragraph or beginning of the second would also smooth over the jump into Thewlin's thoughts. Maybe if Thewlin perceived and reacted to the bale's appearance and thus showing its meaning to him? I'm visualizing a tied bundle of paper with scorched edges and pitch smudges. Dirty work.
That, this, and there: "That was not what Thwelin had expected when called into this warren of storage cells. . . . there would be payback."
Pronouns ought as a best practice refer to close proximity subjects for clarity. "That" is vague. "This" has a clear subject, but the main idea of the sentence from subject "that" isn't clear. "There" is used in an idiomatic way, though it's a syntax expletive, an empty pronoun standing in in subject position for "payback" in object position.
posted
I don't like the switch in POV either. Maybe you have a good reason, but I can't see it in this small snippet, but if there isn't a good reason, I think you can convey all the pertinent information through Thwelin's POV.
I also think the supervisor talks too much. Maybe that is his personality, but in the beginning I have no feel for him, and also, since he isn't named, I think he isn't a main character. So a lot of his dialogue feels unnatural like you are trying to convey information through the dialogue a little "as you know, Bob."
I suggest a few cuts from the dialogue.
quote:Thwelin.” The Storage supervisor eyed the young warrior caste standing before him. The untidy braid of black hair, the messy clothes...and yet, he liked the eager light in Thwelin’s grey eyes. The supervisor sighed. “You’ve heard how we’re planning to move some big storage bins down here(I suggest cutting this part I italicized. A supervisor doesn't need to explain why he wants a job done). I realize it’s a scut of a job, but I need someone who reads Agahharn to go through all this half-burned trash,” the supervisor kicked one of the bales, “before we clear it out. Just in case something’s been overlooked. No one’s touched this stuff since it came onworld years ago.”I suggest cutting this (italicized) part too. A supervisor just needs to tell the workers what to do. No need to explain anything.
Unless this nameless supervisor is a main character who is particularly verbose (if he is, I suggest giving him a name), I think it rings more true to have him get straight to the point.
JMO, good luck with this.
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