I'm not sure why my thoughts went to the stories the old ones told as I laid there on my back, eyes closed to the bright sun and clear blue sky. I suppose it's because most of them were of the times before the War and the Drought. Stories of swimming in clear lakes and fishing in clean rivers. When water was plentiful and not yet poisoned. Before it'd become a commodity more precious than oil, gold, or silver. The thing wars are now fought over. The thoughts of clean, cool water made me lick my lips again, only to feel the dried and blistered surfaces of them. I could taste the metallic tinge of the blood crusted on the cracked skin. My tongue felt like leather in my mouth. I couldn't even cry tears of self pity.
I'd suggest making water more visual here than you have. If you haven't had something you imagine it more vividly...as if it's right there.
You're not supposed to start with a dream. But maybe a mirage. You give the reader comfort in what they're used to and then shock them with what's really going on in your story.
I like how you described the lips of the character and feeling. I think it would be stronger description if you condensed it. I believe your second paragraph is stronger than your first.
I'm new. I read the rules. But in case I crossed the line (at any time) please tell me no-no. I'm in a critique group. So I'm really curtailing how I say things.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2013
| IP: Logged |
posted
"When water was plentiful and not yet poisoned. Before it'd become a commodity more precious than oil, gold, or silver. The thing wars are now fought over." I'm not the biggest fan of the choppy sentence fragment thing, but Peter Heller did it and his book "The Dog Stars" is a bestseller. Still, it feels like this would flow more smoothly if you connected it to "Stories of swimming in clear lakes and fishing in clean rivers..." with commas or something. Then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about, so that suggestion is probably not even worth the usual two cents.
The second paragraph was very poignant. You pretty much captured the essence of "dry". I'm not sure how I feel about the self pity part, but I suppose that depends on what kind of character this is and how the story progresses.
Overall, great description and interesting premise. I want to bring your character a parasol.
Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
| IP: Logged |
posted
I didn't see it as dreaming about water, just thinking about it. I thought the descriptions were very good. I do the fragmented sentence thing myself, so I can't comment on whether or not it's a good thing. Probably isn't. ;-) I did want to dump a bucket of water on the character's head and find out what happened to cause the drought, so I guess that says I wanted to continue reading!
Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013
| IP: Logged |
posted
Subtle thoughts. Has the character grown up in the current conditions? If so, then he/she would be used to them and not be thinking of previous Earth conditions, especially since the governments at the time would likely try to paint the "current" conditions as the best. (Don't they all do that?) Do Wars and Droughts normally coincide? But I do get the visual flair of the setting, and I do want to read more. Keep going.
Posts: 92 | Registered: Dec 2013
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
