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I'm not sure, but I think I messed up when I posted my revised first chap without removing what I had written previously. I have since deleted the other openings. --------------------------------------------------------------
Garic parted the unique leaves of the ivy covering the boundary wall and peered through the opening. Fifty feet away, Raven stood inside a cage grasping its bars and staring straight in Garic's direction. She smiled, then whispered. "I know it's you Garic, and you can hear me. There isn't much time so I'll come right to my point. "I know all scouts give their word not to cross the ivy boundary for any reason, but your arrows did not. Please Garic, give me your word you will not let them take me from here alive. I do not fear dying, but I do fear what will happen to me later." Raven looked over her shoulder at the pitched tent and Garic clearly heard the voice of a man, say. "Our pretty bird will demand more gold, she looks younger than twelve."
posted
You don't need to delete previous versions, Craig.
Hatrack participants like to compare various versions, and there may be something in an older version that works better than a newer version.
One way to do this is to edit the post with your original version and add the new version with something to indicate which was first and which second (and so on, if you add subsequent versions).
Then, you add a new post at the bottom, letting people know that there is a new version in the first post.
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Thank you Kathleen, but I thought maybe my original 13 could probably be edited a little and interjected a few lines later. Possible conflict with revealing more than 13 lines. When in doubt...
Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Is this the first 13 lines of a novel? If so, then I would like to see more description of what the surroundings are and what Garic and Raven look like. Are they humans? Are they in prison? What is happening around them.
The dialogue is good, but I would like to know what to see in my mind. It doesn't have to be much; most people have great imaginations. But we need something to get us started. Wet, muddy floors? Rusty bars? Forest setting? Big green leaves? Insects? Drizzling rain?
Too much of this is not good, either, which is where the genius comes in.
Pacing dialogue with description is good because it allows the reader to "imagine" what the characters are like just before reading more about them. If Raven is an old hag, then immediately an entire story comes into the reader's mind before reading the next sentence. Then, two lines later, we find out the children around Raven lover her. Surprise! Already a treat to the reader and we're only in the first two paragraphs.
Posts: 92 | Registered: Dec 2013
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Thanks for the input jerich100. I know what you mean by description, but I figure I can get more description in later. First I need to get the reader past thirteen lines. I figure it's more like the first page. You gave me a thought which I thank you for. I will edit my last line, and let you know she is no hag. wearing a soiled green dress... deleting these words in first 13 helps squeeze something else in.
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