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Author Topic: The First Three Lives of Bronte Grey - sci-fi/mystery
lala412
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Dusty sunlight filtered through the slats on the windows above the bar sink. Brandy finished washing glasses from the lunch hour rush, watching a spider in a window lazily pull in her web. "Just keep moving UP," Brandy whispered, keeping one eye on the spider when she found her towel below the web.
With only a few regulars left hunched over a card game in back, Jess switched the radio to their favorite station. She began dancing to a Nine Inch Nails song and sweeping.
Brandy was swaying to the beat, putting the last of the glasses away, when she heard the door open. She heard Jess greet two men, and then heard her name. Two men, asking for her? That was odd. She didn't know if she should keep putting glasses up or turn around and see who they were. She turned around.

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Denevius
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Nice flow. The first three sentences set up nice images that's only slightly ruined by the towel. It's a bit hard for me to picture how she saw the web and spider *before* she saw the towel she needed beneath it. Seems like she would see the towel first, then notice the spider.

The sudden introduction to Jess in the second paragraph caught me off guard. I don't know who he/she is, and in relation to Brandy, I don't know where he stands in space around her. It almost seems like a typo, actually, because the narrative goes right back to Brandy. But maybe not. Jess is the one who'd been dancing to Nine Inch Nails while Brandy only swayed to the beat? And then Jess greets the two men?

Anywho, you overuse 'heard' too much in the last lines. Three times.

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lala412
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Thanks. I edited this down from 24 lines to 13 to get it to fit here, so I did cut the introduction of Jess and pretty much half of the bar scene, including Brandy looking for her towel before she saw the spider. I was told I shouldn't cut any of it, but I really wanted the "she turned around" on the last line.

You're right about the word "heard" - thanks. A little hard to avoid since she wasn't facing the door, but I cut one of them:

"when she heard the door open. Jess greeted two men, and then Brandy heard her name."

Maybe I will just go back to the original beginning and not worry about where the 13th line ends.

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Denevius
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quote:
Maybe I will just go back to the original beginning and not worry about where the 13th line ends.
Yeah, give it a whirl. I'll be interested to see how it reads unedited.
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extrinsic
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A visitation-type scene shape that opens with a routine is a pattern and sequence that imply events will soon take a dramatic turn. That works for me and is an indication of strong craft skill development, though the opening is a little slow getting to a hint or direct cue events will soon take a dramatic turn. I think the opening is a little too routine, too. The events, characters, and setting are each routine. A hint of a premonition prepositioned, not per se a character's premonition, but an earlier cue than that the visitors are noticed for readers signals events are about to be radically different I think is indicated.

Because the spider is a standout that's somewhat different than this routine diner-bar scene, perhaps a stronger emotional reaction, and a symbolic one, to it by Brandy would work. I'm reminded of the nursery rhyme "Itsy Bitsy Spider," for example.

A few minor but compromising mechanical style issues stand out for me as problematic and defuse the opening's otherwise above average mechanical style and craft.

The first sentence stands alone without direct connection to Brandy's viewpoint. The description is mechanically sound but comes from no one, nowhere, no when, no why, and no how. I default to from a narrator-writer combination, weighted toward writer viewpoint. Though the sentence favors development of the scene's illusion of reality, it feels like it originates external to the scene.

I feel the opposite effect is preferable and intended. A visual description is a stronger opening sentence than a direct statement at least. A connection within the sentence or through a stepped transition to Brandy's viewpoint I feel would strengthen the opening lines. Part of the disconnect is the definite article for "the windows" in the first sentence and the indefinite article for "a window" in the second sentence. From definite to indefinite opens rather than closes Brandy's viewpoint on the window.

Use of special formatting to signal emphasis, like emotional emphasis, calls undue attention to the formatting and skips developing the context and texture of the emotional emphasis to the extent the emphasis is lost in the formatting. "UP" in all caps, or bold or italics otherwise, is the mechanical style issue there.

Your introduction thread says you use sentence fragments and implies sometimes to a fault. This is a situation where use of a sentence fragment as a character's emotional interjection is indicated. The interjection part of speech here is an exclamation that expresses a character's emotional reaction through tagged direct speech. The strength of a sentence fragment instead of all caps in this situation is it expresses a specific character viewpoint, closes closely into character perception as mixed speech and thought. If the word isn't capped, I'd feel closer to Brandy's immediate moment, place, and situation rather than writer's desk from which the all-capped word feels is its origin.

The use of gerund verbs like "washing," "moving," "dancing," sweeping," "swaying," "putting," "asking," and "putting" again ring-rhymes with overuse in past tense, or any tense, and calls undue attention to tense, distracts from the reading spell. Tense consistency issue there.

Use of subordinating conjunction "when," two instances in the opening, is confused. The first one, "when she found her towel" neither relates to the sentence's overall main idea nor subordinates it, if, in fact, a main idea is in the sentence in the first place. Subordination is a grammar principle that uses dependent or independent clauses to emphasize a main idea of a main clause. The main idea I infer from the sentence and the prior sentence is Brandy fears spiders. I don't think that idea is strong or clear. The main idea that does stand out is Brandy found the towel, which is the idea of the subordinated clause. In grammar this is called faulty subordination.

The second "when" likewise is faulty subordination. The main idea is Brandy heard the door open, part of the subordinated clause that follows the prior clause's two gerund actions: "swaying" and "putting."

"With only a few regulars left hunched over a card game in back, Jess switched the radio to their favorite station." That sentence is problematic from the dependent first clause spliced onto the main independent clause without a relevant connection. The first clause is a dangling participle in that regard. Also, beginning a sentence with a preposition is as problematic as ending a sentence with one. A preposition connects a noun phrase, usually a sentence object, to a prior predicate phrase. Also, agreement between the pronoun "their" and its antecedent subject is unclear. Who are the "their" subjects? Everyone? The few "regulars"? Jess and the regulars? Jess and Brandy?

The repetition of "heard" Denevius notes is problematic. The repetition itself is problematic for me, more so, the aural sensations are summarized rather than portrayed. Describing the sound of the door opening as Brandy hears it, the dialogue words of Jess' greeting, the visitors saying Brandy's name, these are aural sensations that for a best practice are described or reported as they happen, from Brandy's thought for the door sounds, from dialogue for Jess and the visitors' conversation.

The title doesn't for me connect to the opening. I infer perhaps Brandy is living one of Bronte Grey's lives, unwitting at the moment, but about to find out. The motif of finding an undiscovered royal or noble person in a menial circumstance, like a diner-bar, is what I infer this opening is about, perhaps erroneously. But, for me, the pattern and sequence fits closely.

I understand the challenges of meeting thirteen lines' limitations. On the other hand, I understand how a received narrative's shortcomings, what doesn't work for me as reader and editor, and potentially screening readers and publication editors, may cause confusion at least, and may be cause for impersonal form rejection at worst. If a screening reader finds an easy reason for rejection, that's it, and no comment about what's not working. Mechanical style issues are easy to find on a first page and usually signal they will be consistent and numerous throughout a manuscript.

The opening setup here that I infer of undiscovered nobility about to be discovered has powerful potentials. To realize them, working out mechanical style and craft shortcomings, and realizing the dramatic functions of this opening's thirteen lines should provide an approach to fitting it into thirteen lines, so that a screening reader will read on. As this opening is, I wouldn't.

The symbolism of Brandy's conflicted decision to turn around then turning around is sublime. That implies she must face her destiny in order to accomplish it. Because it is a dramatic pivot--tangible, literal and intangible, figurative, subtext--I feel it needs more dramatic development so that readers feel her torment, come to accompany her on her journey, and are aroused to feel care and curiosity for her. In other words, for me, that is the beginning of her dramatic complication development: wants and problems wanting satisfaction; and the moment at which plot movement begins. For a routine interrupted by portentious visitors, Brandy facing them is a profound symbolism otherwise.

[ February 17, 2014, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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lala412
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quote:
Yeah, give it a whirl. I'll be interested to see how it reads unedited.
Thanks - I wasn't sure if I could do that or not. Sorry it has taken me so long to get respond, to both you and extrinsic - I flew to another city and picked up an RV and drove it home, and it took longer to get back than I expected.

Here is the original beginning:

Dusty sunlight filtered through the slats on the high, short windows above the sink as Brandy finished washing the last of the glasses from the lunch hour rush. She watched a spider in one of the windows lazily pull in her web, having found her lunch for the day as well, as she searched for a dishtowel. "Just keep moving UP," Brandy whispered, keeping one eye on the spider when she finally found the towel directly below the web.
With only a few old regulars left hunched over a card game in a booth at the back, the morning waitress, Jess, had switched the sound system to her favorite radio station. She was now dancing with the broom to a Nine Inch Nails song while Brandy twirled the dishtowel - and occasionally the glass she was drying - behind the bar.


**************

Oh, and "UP" is in italics in Word. I suppose I should have used asterisks in here instead.

[ February 26, 2014, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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lala412
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quote:
Originally posted by extrinsic:
A visitation-type scene shape that opens with a routine is a pattern and sequence that imply events will soon take a dramatic turn. That works for me and is an indication of strong craft skill development, though the opening is a little slow getting to a hint or direct cue events will soon take a dramatic turn. I think the opening is a little too routine, too. The events, characters, and setting are each routine. A hint of a premonition prepositioned, not per se a character's premonition, but an earlier cue than that the visitors are noticed for readers signals events are about to be radically different I think is indicated.

Thank you. And Brandy does actually have visions, so I guess that worked out well. :-)

Because the spider is a standout that's somewhat different than this routine diner-bar scene, perhaps a stronger emotional reaction, and a symbolic one, to it by Brandy would work. I'm reminded of the nursery rhyme "Itsy Bitsy Spider," for example.

The spider is definitely symbolic - Brandy doesn't like them, but she has a healthy respect for them and refuses to kill them. But primarily, the spider is foreshadowing because Brandy is the daughter of Athena (sort of - created by her). Brandy doesn't lose her cool easily, so showing that she doesn't freak out at spiders seemed important.

A few minor but compromising mechanical style issues stand out for me as problematic and defuse the opening's otherwise above average mechanical style and craft.

The first sentence stands alone without direct connection to Brandy's viewpoint. The description is mechanically sound but comes from no one, nowhere, no when, no why, and no how. I default to from a narrator-writer combination, weighted toward writer viewpoint. Though the sentence favors development of the scene's illusion of reality, it feels like it originates external to the scene.

I feel the opposite effect is preferable and intended. A visual description is a stronger opening sentence than a direct statement at least. A connection within the sentence or through a stepped transition to Brandy's viewpoint I feel would strengthen the opening lines. Part of the disconnect is the definite article for "the windows" in the first sentence and the indefinite article for "a window" in the second sentence. From definite to indefinite opens rather than closes Brandy's viewpoint on the window.


Can you let me know if it sounds better in the version I posted in a comment? I do want to fix that. Thank you for letting me know.

Use of special formatting to signal emphasis, like emotional emphasis, calls undue attention to the formatting and skips developing the context and texture of the emotional emphasis to the extent the emphasis is lost in the formatting. "UP" in all caps, or bold or italics otherwise, is the mechanical style issue there.

Okay, I will remove the italics from the Word version. :-) Thanks.

Your introduction thread says you use sentence fragments and implies sometimes to a fault. This is a situation where use of a sentence fragment as a character's emotional interjection is indicated. The interjection part of speech here is an exclamation that expresses a character's emotional reaction through tagged direct speech. The strength of a sentence fragment instead of all caps in this situation is it expresses a specific character viewpoint, closes closely into character perception as mixed speech and thought. If the word isn't capped, I'd feel closer to Brandy's immediate moment, place, and situation rather than writer's desk from which the all-capped word feels is its origin.

Okay. Hmm. Thank you. I will read it over a few more times.

The use of gerund verbs like "washing," "moving," "dancing," sweeping," "swaying," "putting," "asking," and "putting" again ring-rhymes with overuse in past tense, or any tense, and calls undue attention to tense, distracts from the reading spell. Tense consistency issue there.

Use of subordinating conjunction "when," two instances in the opening, is confused. The first one, "when she found her towel" neither relates to the sentence's overall main idea nor subordinates it, if, in fact, a main idea is in the sentence in the first place. Subordination is a grammar principle that uses dependent or independent clauses to emphasize a main idea of a main clause. The main idea I infer from the sentence and the prior sentence is Brandy fears spiders. I don't think that idea is strong or clear. The main idea that does stand out is Brandy found the towel, which is the idea of the subordinated clause. In grammar this is called faulty subordination.


Argh. Thank you.

The second "when" likewise is faulty subordination. The main idea is Brandy heard the door open, part of the subordinated clause that follows the prior clause's two gerund actions: "swaying" and "putting."

Again, thank you. I will try to edit it again.

The title doesn't for me connect to the opening. I infer perhaps Brandy is living one of Bronte Grey's lives, unwitting at the moment, but about to find out. The motif of finding an undiscovered royal or noble person in a menial circumstance, like a diner-bar, is what I infer this opening is about, perhaps erroneously. But, for me, the pattern and sequence fits closely.

It's funny - I never thought of it in those terms before, but you are mostly right. Brandy knows who she is. Her given name is Bronte, but her nickname is Brandy. Her memories were suppressed for most of her life for various reasons, but at the beginning of the book she is 23. She has known since late in high school who her mother is (Athena didn't raise her). She has had visions since puberty, with accompanying migraines, and developed a very fatalistic attitude because of them. She sees no point in trying to change anything or do anything "important" with her life because, the way she sees it, everything is predetermined. She also has serious mother issues and works in a bar to annoy her. The only thing she really cares about is figuring out who the man is in some of her recurring visions, and to be reincarnated with her memories intact because she has "Seen" herself as the captain of some kind of starship in a few different visions, and she has been obsessed with all things science fiction since grade school. She goes through her first three lives in the first book. I have synopses and a few big chunks written for quite a few other lives, too.

I understand the challenges of meeting thirteen lines' limitations. On the other hand, I understand how a received narrative's shortcomings, what doesn't work for me as reader and editor, and potentially screening readers and publication editors, may cause confusion at least, and may be cause for impersonal form rejection at worst. If a screening reader finds an easy reason for rejection, that's it, and no comment about what's not working. Mechanical style issues are easy to find on a first page and usually signal they will be consistent and numerous throughout a manuscript.

And I very much appreciate you pointing them out. I definitely want to fix them. I started writing this story in my head over twenty years ago, and although I did write down part of it about six or seven years ago (including this portion), the bulk of what I have written has been since October. It has been quite a while since my English or CW classes.

The opening setup here that I infer of undiscovered nobility about to be discovered has powerful potentials. To realize them, working out mechanical style and craft shortcomings, and realizing the dramatic functions of this opening's thirteen lines should provide an approach to fitting it into thirteen lines, so that a screening reader will read on. As this opening is, I wouldn't.

The symbolism of Brandy's conflicted decision to turn around then turning around is sublime. That implies she must face her destiny in order to accomplish it. Because it is a dramatic pivot--tangible, literal and intangible, figurative, subtext--I feel it needs more dramatic development so that readers feel her torment, come to accompany her on her journey, and are aroused to feel care and curiosity for her. In other words, for me, that is the beginning of her dramatic complication development: wants and problems wanting satisfaction; and the moment at which plot movement begins. For a routine interrupted by portentious visitors, Brandy facing them is a profound symbolism otherwise.

I am glad her turning around made you feel that way. That was my point, and the reason I tried to get the 24 lines edited down to 13 so that her turn was on the last line. You're right - that is the moment when everything starts to change for her. The two visitors change her life and she begins to recognize that destiny is not set in stone, she does have free will. Now I just have to figure out thirteen lines that get to that point and still work. Thank you.
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extrinsic
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Writing with a sharper language could give insight into how to get all the intent and meaning wanted into thirteen lines.

Breakdown clause by clause, maybe word by word:

"Dusty sunlight filtered through the slats on the high, short windows above the sink"

The first "the" is superfluous. The is a definite article. "Slats," though definite items, is plural. Definite articles used with nonspecific, plural nouns is usually not indicated. Slats is nonspecific.

"On" is a preposition. Prepositions directly connect object phrases to predicate phrases. "Through the slats" is the object of the predicate, "through" being its preposition. A double preposition-object phrase is not so much problematic as the preposition "on." The issue is the second object phrase is an object complement and the preposition is faulty. The slats are not on the windows. They physically cover the windows. A more precise preposition or rearranging the clause would strengthen and clarify the otherwise wordy clause.

The clause has four nouns to keep in mind: the sunlight, the slats, the windows, the sink. The clause is cluttered with nouns, which are insignificant in the sense their meanings are nonspecific, vague, and forced. Modifiers: "dusty" works, it's meaning is metaphorical and memorable (significant) from being metaphoric; "high, short" is forced; and "above." Note that "high" and "above" are a tautology, "high" being less significant than "above."

If the windows are high and short, what type of architectural feature are they? Transom windows? The kind in basements at ground level? High, short--transom windows also top doorways in older office buildings, pre-air conditioning cross ventilation windows. Door-top transom windows are not typically louvered or blinded. Basement transom windows aren't either; their dual function is ventilation and lighting. Transom windows were also put into older industrial building walls so natural light came onto the factory floor, the windows inaccessible by workers so they kept their eyes focused on their work. In other words, I have a hard time visualizing this window treatment.

I think recasting the clause is indicated.

"as Brandy finished washing the last of the glasses from the lunch hour rush."

Note the sentence now has five definite "the" articles: wordiness. "As" used as a subordinating conjunction indicates comparison, as I have twice in this sentence. "As" has no conjunction function to indicate a time connection. While and when are time conjunctions, for example.

The two clauses (definite article because "two" is a definite modifier of "clauses") are faultily joined in the first place because sunlight coming through the windows' time significance doesn't match Brandy finishing washing the glassware. Sunlight shining is a longer time span than the exact moment of a finishing outcome. Reworking the clause and sentence into separate, strong and clear main ideas I feel is indicated.

"She watched a spider in one of the windows lazily pull in her web"

"Watched" is a static verb. static in the sense of indeterminate time. Watching is static action. Brandy's predicate of the clause is less significant than the spider's in the first place. Once the viewpoint character is introduced, sensory descriptions are assumed to be the character's perceptions anyway. Note also that the sentence's tense changes unnecessarily: "watched" and "pull." Brandy's watching mediation can be left out of the clause. It is unnecessary narrator mediation that opens narrative distance away from Brandy.

Does a spider pull in a web? Tugged maybe. Pulled on a web maybe. I don't know of any spider species that takes in its web to devour its prey. Spiders go to their web-captured prey.

"having found her lunch for the day as well"

Tense inconsistency again. Does the spider find its lunch? Caught maybe. "As well" is a comparison use of "as" for a subordination phrase; that's correct usage. However, unless an artistic purpose is intended, the syntax is inverted. Subordination phrases and clauses presciptively precede main idea clauses so they emphasize main ideas.

Hyperbaton is a rhetorical scheme that inverts syntax in phrases, clauses, and sentences. Hyperbaton works virtuosuly when coordinated with abasis. Abasis abates a series in a descalating emphasis sequence. Strongest emphasis first; decreasing emphasis going foward. Other uses of hyperbaton can be rhetorical virtues. Otherwise, hyperbaton is a grammatical vice.

"as she searched for a dishtowel"

Yet another clause run into an already cluttered and faulty sentence syntax. Faulty conjunction "as," faulty subordination emphasis, and another unnecessary tense shift. "Watched" and "searched" are similar past tense; "pull" and "having found" are similar present tense, inconsistent tense overall.

"'Just keep moving UP,' Brandy whispered, keeping one eye on the spider when she finally found the towel directly below the web."

The speech line, any dialogue or thought discourse, can be as informal, faulty and clumsy and awkward as intended, and used and meant for character characterization purposes. Speech and thought grammars vary from formal narrative grammar. Artfully so, they characterize their users' and close up narrative distance from closing into character voice by using informal grammar.

I addressed "up" in all caps issues above. I feel a sentence fragment would be more artful. A character's broken speech for emphasis purposes, like to signal thought and emotional state, is artful informal grammar.

An alternative to caps or asterisk bracket emphasis or underscore brackets for posting on BulletinBoards, italics is an available format code. The syntax is, substitute square brackets for the underscores: _i_text string_/i_.

I also feel stronger emphasis would obviate use of the said-bookism speech attribution tag, "Brandy whispered." The drawback there is the tag abruptly opens narrative distance to a remote narrator voice after being so very close to Brandy's voice. Plain said is mostly invisible narrator voice. If the speech's emphasis was stronger in the first place, the tag would be altogether unnecessary. The voice of the speech line is by default Brandy's and very close narrative distance, as though her emotional thoughts spoken aloud. To illustrate a stronger emphasis: //"Please just keep moving. Up."// The quote brackets do all the necessary work of showing this is Brandy's speech. That example also declutters the whole run-on sentence.

"Whispered," "keeping," and "found" tense inconsistency.

Though the subordination conjunction "when" is a time conjunction, the clause is faultily joined to the prior clause. The issues are faulty emphasis, tense, and syntax again.

"Finally found" and "directly below" are wordy. The intent I infer is emotional emphasis, as if they are Brandy's fear and relief reactions to the spider. I feel stronger emphasis is called for so the fear and relief are strong and clear.

Next paragraph:

"With only a few old regulars left hunched over a card game in a booth at the back, the morning waitress, Jess, had switched the sound system to her favorite radio station."

Another cluttered and confused sentence. Instead of a word-by-word, phrase-by-phrase, clause-by-clause analysis, I'll recast for illustration.

//A few old regulars hunched over a card game in a back booth. Jess, the morning waitress, switched the radio to her favorite station.//

Recasting the rest of the fragment for illustration purposes, for clarity and strength enhancements:

//She danced with a broom to a Nine Inch Nails song.

//Behind the bar, Brandy twirled a dishtowel--and the glass she dried. She swayed to the beat, put the glass on the shelf overhead, and froze, held still by a feeling of deja vu.

//The door opened; late customers came in. Jess greeted them. The men asked for Brandy by name. Men asking for her? Odd. She didn't have regular customers. Jess's customers asked for her.

//Turn around and see who they are. Run and hide. See who they are. Duck behind the counter. Turn aound and face them. Grab a kitchen knife. Face them. She turned around.//

The above are my voice, my style, not meant to impose my creative vision on yours. Offered for illustration.

[ February 25, 2014, 12:45 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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lala412
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quote:
Originally posted by extrinsic:


If the windows are high and short, what type of architectural feature are they? Transom windows? The kind in basements at ground level? High, short--transom windows also top doorways in older office buildings, pre-air conditioning cross ventilation windows. Door-top transom windows are not typically louvered or blinded. Basement transom windows aren't either; their dual function is ventilation and lighting. Transom windows were also put into older industrial building walls so natural light came onto the factory floor, the windows inaccessible by workers so they kept their eyes focused on their work. In other words, I have a hard time visualizing this window treatment.

I am very tired, and couldn't focus on the entire reply tonight, but I do thank you for it - I will read it tomorrow when I am not falling asleep. The one thing I can reply to is the windows - I was thinking in terms of clerestory windows, with shutters which can be closed if needed - but are high enough up that they rarely get closed, or dusted. I suppose a better description of them would be in order. The say write what you know, and I have done a lot of research the last ten years on things like permaculture, living off grid, and zero energy homes, and clerestory windows are great for reducing the need for artificial lighting. I have them in the floor plan for my cabin. I just always saw the bar as having a row of them up towards the ceiling behind the bar, with stained glass below, and the sun shining in through them when Brandy worked the morning shift.
Laura

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lala412
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Here is an edited version of the first paragraph, fixing the spider issues...

***********

Dusty sunlight filtered through the slats on the short windows high above the sink as Brandy finished washing the last of the glasses from the lunch hour rush. She turned her face up to the sunlight and saw a spider in one of the windows. She was lazily pulling in her web, her lunch having struggled enough to ruin her weaving. Brandy searched for a fresh dishtowel on the shelves below the spider. "Just keep moving up," Brandy said, keeping one eye on the spider when she found a towel below the web.

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lala412
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I also edited the segment which had the word "heard" three times.

***************

Brandy was still swaying to the beat, putting the last of the glasses away overhead, when she heard someone come into the bar. Jess greeted two men, and then one of the men said Brandy's name. Two men, asking for her? That was odd. She didn't know if she should keep putting glasses away or turn around and see who they were. She turned around.

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