Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » First 13 lines

   
Author Topic: First 13 lines
LindseyCotler
New Member
Member # 10238

 - posted      Profile for LindseyCotler   Email LindseyCotler         Edit/Delete Post 
Wanted to see if this flows and makes one want to read on:
“Ding, ding, ding!” a black gloved paw rapped a silver spoon against a crystal bowl.
“Settle down now,” Abel Praiseworthy quieted his two boisterous children. Abe glanced around the dinner table and waited until everyone was sitting quietly, with snouts down, and tails lowered in reverence.
“You may begin the ceremony now,” Abe nodded to his eldest.
Abe’s daughter Burster spoke dramatically, in a clear, practiced voice, “In the beginning, four score and seven thousand years ago, the world was void and dark. Then Mother God showed up and said,” Burster raised her voice and rattled the silverware as she slammed the table for dramatic effect, “ ‘Gimme a light patch, for whistling out loud!’ “Burster’s tail jumped with amusement as

[ March 29, 2014, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
Please be sure to read the topics in the "Please read here first" area, especially the ones on the 13 lines.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LindseyCotler
New Member
Member # 10238

 - posted      Profile for LindseyCotler   Email LindseyCotler         Edit/Delete Post 
I've read all the topics carefully. Did I do something wrong? The clip was 13 lines in my manuscript and looked like a lot less in your preview.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LindseyCotler
New Member
Member # 10238

 - posted      Profile for LindseyCotler   Email LindseyCotler         Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry, I didn't see the part about 12 point Currier New font. I'll be more careful in the future.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JSchuler
Member
Member # 8970

 - posted      Profile for JSchuler   Email JSchuler         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
“Ding, ding, ding!”
This is an interesting choice, as you present this as the paw speaking, as opposed to it just being the sound of a spoon hitting a crystal bowl. If it's not intentional, then the quotes probably shouldn't be there. If it is intentional, I found it confusing.
quote:
“Settle down now,” Abel Praiseworthy quieted his two boisterous children.
I always feel a little cheated when I see something like this. "Settle down, now," implies that there was action going on in the scene before the reader enters. Well, I always want to know what that action was. This is compounded by the use of the adjective "boisterous." That's telling me about the children, not showing me, which doesn't sell your first thirteen.
quote:
Abe’s daughter Burster spoke dramatically, in a clear, practiced voice
I don't think "dramatically" needs to be here. "Clear, practiced voice" suffices. However, the transition from Abe nodding to his daughter speaking seems a bit sudden when I read this, and I think the problem is the focus on Burster's voice. If she's just been engaged in this unstated boisterous activity and now needs to conduct a ceremony, maybe she takes a moment to compose herself; maybe she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, or takes a moment to straighten her silverware in a physical reflection of her ordering her thoughts. Or maybe she really can turn on a dime like that, in which case make note of how quickly her facial expression changed to convey seriousness, perhaps with a subtle smirk to betray her true intentions. There's an opportunity here to develop Burster's personality. And once you get us into her state of mind, then you don't need to describe the sound of her voice to us.
quote:
Burster raised her voice and rattled the silverware as she slammed the table for dramatic effect
You don't need "for dramatic effect" here. The voice raising and table slamming shows us that quite effectively. However, you might want to break this up into two sentences to get rid of the "as" and make it punchier to reflect the action. Example:

Burster raised her voice and struck the table. Silverware jumped and water splashed out of her glass.
quote:
“In the beginning, four score and seven thousand years ago, the world was void and dark.
The question that immediately hit me: how does the Gettysburg Address relate to this world's creation myth? If it doesn't relate at all, consider getting rid of "four score and seven."

If it does, I'm tempted to say that unless it's mentioned on the book jacket, you might want to delay this later in the book so you've had a chance to earn the reader's suspension of disbelief. But that's just my personal preference speaking.


On a broader point, within the first 13 I don't have a clear character focus. I'm not sure if this story is going to be following Abel or Burster because the characters are both kept at arms length.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by LindseyCotler:
I've read all the topics carefully. Did I do something wrong? The clip was 13 lines in my manuscript and looked like a lot less in your preview.

I just wanted to be sure you understood why I cut it, LindseyCotler.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jerich100
Member
Member # 10202

 - posted      Profile for jerich100   Email jerich100         Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with the previous thoughts. Here are some more. I think we need a few more lines to read. This may get you in trouble with Kathleen, but we’ll back you. Is this story intended for a younger crowd? There are adverbs such as “quietly” and “dramatically”. Can you switch those out with richer descriptions instead? Perhaps Burster could use could use her, “deep, clear, and practiced voice.” This way you don’t have to use the word “dramatically” at all.

There doesn’t seem to be a setting. Rich, poor, cave, tree house, banquet room? There is description, but the paragraph is like a pop of a firecracker rather than the unrolling of a scroll. You have good stuff there, just fill it in. This may happen naturally over time.

Burster says, “’Gimme a light patch, for whistling out loud!” I don’t know what that means.

Now for a ridiculously gratuitous opinion unfounded in anything. If you are creating an entirely new world then should a character not be given the human name, “Abel”?

Posts: 92 | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2