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Raven City is one of the novels I have been working on. It's not done but I was wondering if anyone would be willing to read and critique what I have so far?
It's young adult fiction and is about 16,000 words. I have a long ways to go but I'm working on finishing it!
If you are willing, you can e-mail me at bwatford14@hotmail.com. Thanks!
Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2014
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You are welcome to post a synopsis of your novel here, Brook18, so people will know what it is you are asking them to read.
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Okay, thanks. I had posted the first 13 lines for this story and didn't think about the synopsis.
Here's my first attempt at a synopsis for this novel:
For Nick, conning a mark is easy. After doing it for so long, he has accepted his exceptional abilities as a thief. One day, his world changes. After being caught by his latest mark—one of the most dangerous mob bosses—Nick is injected with a serum. The contents of the liquid share strikingly similar properties to the Disease. This Disease nearly wiped out the entire population of Drayton, the city where Nick was born. Fortunately for Nick, this strain didn’t kill him…it transformed him.
Realizing that his senses are now heightened beyond normal human capacity, Nick travels to Raven City. Raven City is the creepy, sterile-white city that remained untouched by the Disease that took Drayton. Mentored by Audrey, a beautiful but fierce girl with the same abilities as Nick, Nick agrees to become an agent of CORE—the Center for the Operatives of Reflex Enhancement. In an effort to understand more about himself and Raven City, Nick will travel around the world serving the largest force the world has ever seen.
The more time Nick spends with CORE, the more suspicious their intentions seem. The only thing Nick can know for sure is that his first target, Arnold Sek—a suspected murderer—can help him decide whether he can fully trust CORE. With a dead or alive notice on Sek's head, Nick’s first assignment may be his last as a CORE agent.
Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2014
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posted
The first four sentences have similar syntax: prefatory phrase or clause, main clause. Variety is a spice of writing. Also, their flow is less than ideally smooth, asking readers to cycle between conjunction and main idea, conjunction and main idea, conjunction and main idea, conjunction and main idea.
First sentence, for example, "For Nick, conning a mark is easy." The event is more important than the character, this early in the synopsis anyway. The prefatory phrase can be incorporated into the main idea. //Conning a mark is easy for Nick.// Present participle "conning" is problematic from its nondefiniteness too. Recast sentence may be warranted for impact benefits. //Nick easily scammed marks.//
"One day, his world changes." That sentence is a prefatory sentence in itself. The next sentence expresses the same intent and meaning more meaningfully, though, again, unnecessary prefatory clause and present participle verb.
"After being caught by his latest mark—one of the most dangerous mob bosses—Nick is injected with a serum." The sentence is a double passive voice, unnecessarily. "Caught by" and "injected with" are passive voice.
"One of the most dangerous bosses" lacks a context feature; that is, is the boss a crime boss? "One of the most dangerous" is a comparative expression that needs context. Either the boss is one of the more dangerous or the most dangerous boss.
Reconsider every sentence's syntax and verb definiteness for stronger impact.
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I actually enjoyed the first line. I think you set up an antihero quite well just in that sentence:
quote: For Nick, conning a mark is easy.
My main concern, though, is that everything after that sentence feels like it's been ripped from popular scifi, from Nick being injected with a drug that kills him in a set amount of time, from him joining a counter resistance group with dubious aims.
I'm willing to swap excerpts with you, but not 16,000 words, which seems a bit much. How about one or two chapters, at a maximum of 4000 words?
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