Preface 0. The Fool Silence rang out through narrow halls with a greater presence that any noise could ever manage. It wasn't that there just wasn't any noise; it was that there couldn't be noise. Sound itself didn't exist in that hall right then. The dream always started that way, and always ended a little further along. Jeremy Grant knew this dream all too well; he'd had the same one for the past week. Each dream began in his hallway, with his legs moving on their own. The last times he'd tried to fight them, without success. So instead, he relaxed and watched the dream play out. If I just let my legs run themselves out maybe the dreams will stop. When not concentrating on fighting my legs, I noticed
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mattb, I really think you should read the Please Read Here First section of this site. There is a definite and strictly adhered to limit on the amount of a story you can post.
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Okay. Now that this is down to a manageable size.
Well, my first thought was that Patrick Rothfuss did the silence opening way better. Possibly not the opening you want for that reason.
Starting with a dream/waking up from a dream is going to be a really tough sell. See the most recent cliche opening challenge in Writing Challenges.
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Honestly, I shut down after "Silence rang out" . I think it is a bit hackneyed and I have never appreciated a relationship between silence the noun and onomatopoeia .
the thickness of pronouns, to me, is usually an indication of a weak POV. That seemed apparent.
I feel that the moment of incitement was appropriate. I like the idea of describing this phenomenon of palpable silence but I think the writing failed it a bit.
I would dig deeper with the POV and try to find a more convincing voice. That is what I see as most important here.
Good luck. If you have a few pages or a short chapter send it along if you would like me to look at it.
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