posted
That's right. A lack of interest has once again doomed this fun little exersize. Two weeks and three entries. not unexpected, it lasted quite awhile. I had fun every week. Perhaps at a later time we will try again. I invite anyone who comes across this to vote on this weeks participants. Thanks to all that have joined in over the past few months. Now here are this weeks entries.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Captain Ban Splitzer stood at attention in front of his chafed and bewildered commanding officer. "Hybrids? Alien invasion?" Colonel Scratchassy sat behind his desk and glared at Captain Splitzer with an air of contempt. He looked down to study the captain’s dossier. "It says here your parents teach at Berkeley." He looked back up. "Splitzer, you haven’t received any homemade brownies lately, have you?" "No sir, I am completely clean, sir." "You sure as hell better be, ‘cause you’re definitely gonna get a piss-test after giving me this cockamamie story... So you say you’re some kind of alien hybrid? I can believe that. What’s this? What the hell kind of first name is ‘Banana’?" "As you said, sir, my parents teach at Berkeley." Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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The child sat perched on a stool staring out through the pouring rain. Cars whooshed by shooting up great sheets of water like the wings of some exotic gray bird. But he didn’t blink. “How long has he been like this?” The doctor wiggled his fingers in front of the boy’s face and then pressed the back of his hand against his forehead. “No fever.” “So far, 10 hours,” she responded. “At least this time. He looked at her sharply, “He’s done this before?” “Well,” she had always hidden her son’s odd behavior, his strange comments, and his long stretches of quiet sitting. But not like this, not so long. “No…” She laid a protective hand on the boy’s head. Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Captain Splitzer wished this one time he wore civies. A conspiracy clod singled him out on the bus and just had to discuss his theories with him. “That weather balloon story is crap, man. Stealth Bombers, smart bombs; those things were taken from crashed alien ships. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it!” The thin man poked a finger into Ban’s shoulder. Ban was doing his best to ignore him. Even opening a newspaper to shield his face from the pot-aroma clod. Getting jabbed with a finger was too much. “Look, bud. You mention six different crash sites over the last fifty years, now what kind of advanced civilization fly’s light years just to crash when they get here?”
Love the title. It's that kind of title that would make me flip to the story and read the first 13 at least. Good job. Your 13 are right in line with the title, funny and wry. I would expect that if I were in the mood for some alien humor, I would read right on. A couple of nits, in the first line you say he is 'chafed and bewildered' but then in the next line he is contemptuous. IMHO those are different, very different and probably don't belong together, (in a Sesame Street sort of way). I think it works better if the Colonel continues to be bewildered and a bit muddled.
Entry #2 The Way the Future is Made
I like the first line (first three sentences). It gives the rest an ominous tone. However, I doubt that the Doctor would feel the boy's head, that's a mommy-thing. KInd of lost it for me. The lying mom at the end could have been stronger.
Entry #3 Illegal Aliens
I don't see a strong hook here, for me. I get that he is on the bus being harassed by a nutcase, but why is this be important? Is the nutcase an alien-killer? Has he been stalking Ban? Does the nutcase that for the first time actually have real information and is about to expose Ban? You could drop a leading line here and pump up the hook considerably.
Best Title: Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs
First: Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs second: Entry #3 Illegal Aliens third Entry #2 The Way the Future is Made
Good job everyone, I have been reading Sol Stein's "Stein on Writing" he has some pretty good ideas and suggestions on how to make a good hook. He also is a big fan of the strong hook. Of coures, I started reading this *after* I submitted my 13! LOL
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First and best title - Entry # 2 The Way the Future is Made Loved [I} Cars whooshed by shooting up great sheets of water like the wings of some exotic gray bird.[/i], great line. I have no issues with the rest. Well done. I’m hooked.
Second - Entry # 1 Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs
Colonel Scratchassy? Was General Bodeeodor too busy? Major Jokitch reassigned? I hope Private Vasyneeded was at least standing guard. I have to admit, the name made me laugh which alone would keep me reading.
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1st and Best Title: The Way the Future is Made – Great prose (I agree with snapper) 2nd: Illegal Aliens – Not sure where you are going with this one (I agree with snapper) 3rd: Bananarama and the Xenomaniacs – Mine, inspired by all the fruit-loving mothers of California (meaning the women who name their children after types of fruit) Would Scratchassy be Polish or Russian? Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
If I may crash the party and give a totally outside view.
I liked #1 the best. I grew up in the SF Bay Area and loved the imagery. It was totally outside the box. A little hookless, but a joy to read. I would be driven to read on to continue the experience. I wasn't enchanted with the title, however.
The Way the Future is Made actually had the best hook of the three. There is more dramatic tension lying beneath the placidity of the words. The only moody 13 lines. In fact the hook may be too subtle to drive me on, but it is there.
Last, but not least,#3 Illegal Aliens. It wasn't as crisp or as profane as #1, but I did like the slam on the clod. That was nearly artistic, but I do remember hearing a similar sentiment somewhere. It was relatively hookless as well. The unspoken question, What Now? wasn't answered.
posted
BTW snapper, I didn't really think yours sucked, but it wasn't your best 13 either. Are you going to put this thread out of its misery soon?
Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I suppose the contest or whatever is over by now :/.
But for what it's worth, I liked both the first and second entries. 1 had a better title just for its wackiness, but to be honest I'd probably pick 2 to read first out of the two (I was always the sort of kid who stared off into space for long periods of time as a rule). I'd definitely read them both.
I agree that 3 didn't hook me in quite as well as the other two. I appreciate the humor of it, a conspiracy nut badgering a real life alien (hybrid). And I thought it was a good score, shutting him down by mentioning that aliens with such advanced technology probably wouldn't be "crashing" all over the place.
End vote 2, 1, 3. I'd read them all, in that order.
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