The light from a solitary candle repelled the encroaching darkness, valiantly safeguarding Lindsay Peterson while she wrote in her diary. The gray stones of the walls that had for centuries warded those inside from storms of rain and nights of cold like the present one, now protected her. She hunched over her book, poised on page one, and carefully scrawled words of hope with a quill that bled black dots at the end of each letter.
We arrived at the castle after dusk; Marilyn graciously helped me unload my few belongings. I kept asking if the castle was really mine, but she just laughed saying yes, yes, yes. What is happening to me?
Lindsay blinked a few times and read over the last few words. A chill entered her body. The handwriting wasn't hers.
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited June 04, 2010).]
quote:It was a grim and ghastly sight. The aroma was worse. And I was aroused. The dark room was painted with the screams and tortures of those who came before me. The floor, the walls, and even the darkness above; from them all manner of bloodstained blades and hooks adorned the ends of rusted chains. These were the tools of my trade.
Before me, a former lover, my first in fact. A storm of fear replaced the innocence her eyes had once known. Upon my command the hooks began their work. By her limbs, torso, and face they cast her prostrate on the table. "I am the new Lord of the Underworld and for the next year you will be my craft."
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited June 04, 2010).]
Lightning crackled followed by the bellow of thunder rolling off of the mountains that surrounded me. I stood at the entrance of my cave staying out of the pelting rain. Every time Odin threw another bolt, the scenery flashed white.
I knelt and said a prayer out loud, my arms outstretched. "Odin. I have climbed to this perch as thy servant Oorlund requested. I am ready to leap to my death, a sacrifice to thee. Show me a sign and I will gladly do the deed!"
Five times I repeated the words and then something clutched my throat, keeping me from speaking. I heard the voice of Odin over the storm's din. "Oorlund plays you for a fool. I have better things for you to do."
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 09, 2010).]
quote:Dark red rain wrapped around Muriel in flowing sheets keeping her strangely warm despite her nudity and the darkness in the sky. Every drop that hit her skin imparted the knowledge of the planet, the trees and animals, rivers and mountains; but that was not what she needed.
Muriel looked toward the city, its spiral towers casting a blue glow that shimmered purple in the rain. No search lights turned toward her, no alarms sounded. Her arrival had gone unnoticed. If the officials of Serapat knew of her presence there would be panic. One of them was going to die tonight.
The Council had given her a choice of three. Muriel chose the ex-Marine hoping he would be a challenge. It always made her job more fun when they put up a fight.
*Edited to space paragraphs for easier reading.
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited June 06, 2010).]
Stormy hooked her leg around the pole and spun for her audience. The men at the table filled with empty shot glasses hooted and howled, waving singles at her as if they were hundreds. The silent creepy guy pressed up against the stage placed a twenty on the floor and pointed toward the door. Fat chance, she thought while smiling a thank you to him. Light glitter in her eye. Off in the dark booth, a man tilted a round coin, catching the light of the rotating ball so it would reflect on her face. She bowed, scooping up her clothes, snatching the twenty as she did, and exited off the back of the stage, keeping a wide berth between her and the howlers. “Got any garlic?” she asked Cherry, the next dancer of the night. “I think the guy in booth 7 is a vamp. He’s got gold.”
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 06, 2010).]
I'm a chicken. No bones about it. My buddy Greg back-flips off the cloud next to me. On my other side, Rosa takes a deep breath and jumps, giggling as she falls. I just stand here looking like the wuss that I am, and it sucks because the longer I'm here, the harder it is to jump. Don't think. I clutch the clear plexi-glass button with my right hand, close my eye, and then lose my balance on purpose. Holy ****aki mushrooms. The wind pushes me around in zigzags, and rain slams against my scales. My heartbeat is indescribable, and as my blood boils, I light up from the inside. I'm like a falling star, screaming through the night sky. When I'm far enough down I push the button, but it jams. The ground rises up to meet me. I hit the button harder. Nothing.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited June 08, 2010).]
I stepped into the narrow corridor, the stones slick beneath my feet. Spider webs clung to the ancient walls, the silky threads pulsating with every breathe of the strengthening storm.
I twirled the sword in my hand, reversing the blade, so I could thrust, and the colossal beast lumbering towards me would require no less. The giant arachnid stumbled forward on its eight stilted legs, armored with barbs and spars.
“Aria!” At the sound of Cadmar’s voice, I almost turned. But I caught myself. I couldn’t. I knew what I would see. I would see him, his son, daughter…and…his wife. “I take lead."
I strode forward. “No my Lord.” My love. “You are destined for far greater things.” Me. I let out a long breath of air, and charged. “Carid!!!” I was destined for this.
Brynn jerked awake, reflexively swatting a glob of coppery-tasting wetness away from her mouth and nose. In a disoriented haze she activated the cabin lights and perceived liquid crimson floating into the bunk’s atmospheric intake above her head. Blood. Hers. No pain registered, but there was no one else aboard. Well, not exactly.
Lightning ripped down her back… 1… 2… 3… it rolled into the depths of her abdomen… 4… 5… 6… her muscles flexed with a nauseating pressure that pushed a gasp past her clenched teeth… 7… 8… 9. The sensation was gone.
She drew a shaky breath and stared at the strange, taut roundness of her naked belly, panic rising in her throat as understanding came. This is what Exo-Gestationism saved us from.
Edited because I didn't do the formatting correctly.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 10, 2010).]
Ricky DeGausse walked slowly through the back alleys just a block from the brightness and gaiety of Bourbon Street dodging the piles of trash and human refuse that littered the streets. A silent figure, he wore the darkness of the humid night air like a cloak to shield him from the world. These darkened streets formed a world of gloom and despair not advertised to the tourists. It was not the world Ricky chose to live in, but he was forced into it when those he hunted took his wife and he had become comfortable in it. He entered an archway lit by a pool of light from the faded neon lights that read “Fat Papa’s Place”. He followed the path to the worn door and entered. Inside he drifted up to the old bar, rich in the patina of human misery.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited June 10, 2010).]
posted
Entry 1 – The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt I like the detail about the black dots of ink, but is “carefully scrawled” a contradiction? The second sentence seems a bit awkward to me, but otherwise I enjoyed the writing, especially that you were able to deliver the premise – that someone else is writing through Lindsay – very smoothly and naturally (imo). All criteria met.
Entry 2 – Tradecraft Training Certainly fulfills the criteria, especially dark! Your short punchy sentences are very effective in getting a lot of information about both character and setting across without a lot of wordy “telling” (what newbies like me do all the time). Nice writing!
Entry 3 – The Path of Odin When your MC refers to the cave he/she is sheltering in as “my cave” I envisioned him/her living there, so when he/she mentions “climbed to this perch” I had to readjust the setting in my mind. I am curious to find out just who is playing who as the story unfolds and what the MC’s motives are that have made him/her so willing to die. (I don’t think the MC’s gender is disclosed, thus all the /’s)
Entry 4 – Muriel Sounds very original. I like the name Muriel for your character (personal preference of course), but it doesn’t necessarily grab me as a title. I am intrigued to find out more about so many things suggested in the text, particularly who “The Council” is and how they have authority over this obviously powerful being. Are there both fantasy and sci fi elements in the story? That’s the general impression I got, which to me was a positive.
Entry 5 – Sticking Your Neck Out Your unique way of meeting the challenge criteria made me laugh, clever. I like the way the title alludes to both Stormy’s brash profession and tempting a vampire (at least that’s the way I read it).
Entry 6 – Flash Fall The informal 1st person present tense was fun and vivid. I’m left with all kinds of questions, but in a good way (are the scales biology or technology? Literally lighting up or a metaphor?) Nicely written (imo) and original.
Entry 7 – Dark Plight I’m a bit confused by some of the wording (probably some typos throwing me off). Perhaps “pulsating” and “stilted” are not conveying the meaning you were going for here. I’m a sucker for the strong female warrior-type character and I am curious to find out more about her forbidden love/perceived destiny motives that make her choose to fight the spider.
Entry 8 – mine
Entry 9 – Man of Darkness Forms of the word dark appear often if you include the title. Perhaps you could switch it up a bit with some synonyms or related words? I get the feeling that the Fat Papa’s Place is supposed to be pretty run down, but can neon lights be faded (I have no idea)? Maybe they’re dirty? I like the underbelly of a known city setting. Is there a speculative element to the story? That probably wasn’t part of the criteria, but I was just wondering.
Votes: 1st: Flash Fall 2nd: Muriel 3rd: Tradecraft Training Title: Sticking Your Neck Out
It was very hard to choose only a top three!
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 10, 2010).]
posted
Entry one-The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt, My mind tripped over the title, and the name. The writing on the diary has a kind of, "As you know Bob," feel to me, and there isn't any action, it feels almost like a flashback, story wise. The momentum isn't shifting forward, if that makes sense. I think the story could start several scenes earlier, like walking into the castle, maybe see a flickering shadow, or when she finds out she is going there. The writing is beautiful, I just have issues from a story standpoint.
Entry two. Tradecraft Training- Love the first line, but the third line kicked the first line out of the water, sadly enough. I thought for sure this one would win it. From there though, the story gets too dark for my tastes, and I don't have anything to like about the POV character. I almost feel he is too evil, and I don't want to be in his head very much longer. I think a bit of hesitation, or guilt...Something that makes him feel human would make the hook stronger.
Entry three. The Path of Odin I'm definitely hooked on this one. The line ever time Odin threw another bolt, hooked me. I do wish to hear more of the POV characters thoughts, deepen the POV. It feels very outside perspective, like I'm watching a movie as opposed to living through it vicariously.
Entry four. Muriel I'm hooked from the first three words. I love the idea of knowledge imparted through rain. My issue with it is that I don't root for her to succeed. I don't really care for the main character who kills for fun, unless there is a justifiable reason for it. I would suggest adding a bit more humanity to the character, to make her less unfeeling.
Entry 5 Sticking your neck out First off, what is light glitter? Are you missing an s? The story works for me so far. I like that only vampires have gold. She doesn't seem very scared though, so that lessens the hook. Good though, I would definitely keep reading. Great title.
Entry 7, Dark Plight I had to read this one three time in order to love it, but I do. There is definitely something great in this story, but it needs more clarity. Perhaps shift this to third. Naming the main character would make it clear from the beginning that the POV is a girl. I thought it was a guy for the first two readings. Also the first line isn't necessary, I think. Maybe start with more focus on the spider, and only secondary focus on the relationship. One look could tell the reader everything you say in seven sentences. Really interesting though.
Entry 8 A Primitive Burden Okay. Ew. I have a real issue with her tasting blood. especially since she wasn't wounded, but giving birth. Birthing blood.... ew. That aside, the Exo-Gestationism has a kind of Farscape feel which I dig. A few thoughts, if she went from flat stomached to nine months pregnant, there would be stretch marks, her stomach would feel tight and itchy. I really dig it. What is she going to do stuck all alone in a space ship giving birth, completely unprepared. Dang. If that doesn't hook nothing would. I think adding more of a mechanical failure would strengthen the tension. Maybe she could wake from suspended animation, and not be able to breathe.
Entry 9 Man of Darkness It was not the world Ricky chose to live in, but he was forced into it when those he hunted took his wife and he had become comfortable in it. This sentence is the only sentence that has action, and that is were the story starts. I would suggest starting the story with the scene his wife had been captured in, or else hid that information, and don't announce it until the end of the story. I don't know who he is, or what his goal is.
Votes; First, Entry 8, A Primitive Burden. The strength of the idea won it for me. Second, Entry 4, Muriel. Another strong idea Third, Entry 5, Sticking your neck out. Best writing of the bunch IMO, only a lack of tension kept it from taking the top spot. Title: Sticking your neck out
Thanks axeminister for running the challenge. ~Sheena
posted
Entry 1 - I got lost on the title(But then I am not a very bright person). The first paragraph did well setting the setting, but seemed a little heavy handed. The setting was clear, but I didnt feel for the character. Still enjoyed it overall.
Entry 2 - "The aroma was worse. And I was aroused." Wow. I first I thought I miss read this, he was aroused by the bad aroma. But I didnt. Alright this is probably personal taste. First paragraph was fine for me, but then it went dark, too dark for my taste. It was a thin line between creepy and sickening, the lines was crossed with the lines "Upon my command the hooks began their work. By her limbs, torso, and face they cast her prostrate on the table." Those made me want to shut the story down, elimiate those two lines and the story would keep me reading. But for how long, again, probably personal taste and I saw nothing wrong with the writing.
Entry 3 - I felt the scenery was little to vague, almost making it a story for a younger audience feel. I guess its because while the lightning stuck, it means a violent storm, but I didnt get that vibe. I like the concpet, it was close but not quite there for me.
Entry 4 - This one has me. I wil lsay it borders on purplish prose for me, a little heavy handed. But I am hooked and would read on.
Entry 5 - 1 typo, I think, Light glitter, or light glittered in her eye. This was the smoothest read, and compelling. A twist on the dark and stormy night, which makes it stand out from the others on its own, but anyone who knows Snapper is use to his originality. One of my favorites, The vampire paying in gold was great, and the fact she wasnt scared shows, that vampires are common, wihtout coming out and saying it. Great setting and characterization.
Entry 6 - First paragraph had me, back-flipping off clouds. The Holy ****aki mushrooms was funny, took a minute to get what got deleted. But the fact it wasnt an openly bad word, was a brilliant step towards her characterization. My only issue is the tense, this could be me, I just dont feel present tense as well as past.
Entry 7 - Well nothing to say about this piece, but sheer brilliance. Ok, its mine. I had to cut like 5 lines to get this to fit, so I think that didnt help me any. I think I am out of practice.
Entry 8 - I am sorry to say I didnt quite get this piece. It could stem from the numbers, they drew me at first, so I read the middle paragraph first. It might not be fair, but writing as strange as it seems is also visual and so it got read out of order. I was thinking of couting the distance between lightning and thunder gaps. I think the writing is there, it is close, but the middle paragraph is so intense, I need to be brought into more, and feel for the character before we get there, and I didint
Entery - 9 The second sentence pulled me out of the scene. I think it was a pov shift for me, wheter it was real or not, I dont know. With stories that start with a name, I almost always fall into 3rd person, but the 2nd sentence didnt read that way, and I am thinking omni. The 2nd concern was the "was" it made for a more passive feel, versus active. I feel the setting is there, just needed a stronger pov to help me feel for the character.
First Choice - Entry 5 - Sticking your neck out Second Choice -Entry 6 - Flash Fall Third Choice - Entry 4 - Muriel
Title - Flash Fall
Well done all. I think I will have to step my game up, if I am ever to get that hat back.
posted
Entry # 1 - The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt Nice, but a little passive. I glossed over the hook at the end the first time I read it. Didn’t quite realize that she had just at that moment written in someone else’s writing. I would recommend strengthening a feeling of strangeness while she wrote to emphasize this.
Entry # 2 - Tradecraft Training I’m not sure how I feel about this one. It’s well written, but I don’t know how far I’d continue with this story. I think my biggest problem is not so much that it’s dark, it’s that I don’t know why he’s torturing this woman. Is it a task? Is it revenge? Is he simply insane? Is he passing a test? I do have a sense that this question will be answered soon though.
Entry # 3 - The Path of Odin This has a great hook for me. It has a nice build and a good sense of a continuing story. Well done.
Entry # 5 - Sticking your neck out I applaud the creative approach to the theme. Unfortunately, the setting wasn’t terribly unique and it could use a few more sensory appeals. I heard no music and smelled no liquor. I also think there could have been more clarity in separating the vamp from the other guys at the club. It blended too easily for me. I also don’t have a strong sense of what this story is going to be about.
Entry # 6 - Flash Fall I love the description and the truth of, “the longer I'm here, the harder it is to jump”. I don’t mind the little bit of mystery as to exactly what the MC is. In fact, that mystery makes me want to keep reading. The last line is a little bit of a let down after the creativity of the previous paragraph. The button not working feels akin to a parachute not opening and that feels a little typical. I would continue reading though, with the hope of being surprised.
Entry # 7 - Dark Plight I feel like I’m coming in on the middle of the story instead of at the beginning. I don’t mind being dropped into the middle of the action but it doesn’t seem like this story has a lot farther to go. Unless this story takes a unique pov change, I know the hero has to defeat the spider that’s presented as the main conflict here. The other conflict of undeclared(?) love isn’t strong for me without knowing the characters better.
Entry # 8 - A Primitive Burden This one feels disconnected to me. She wakes up bleeding but doesn’t seem too concerned and while panic is later mentioned, the clinical nature of the description keeps me from empathizing. I do wonder if she chose the natural birth or if it was thrust upon her, but right now there’s no promise of what the story may hold beyond the birth so I can’t say I’m hooked.
Entry # 9 - Man of Darkness The setting here didn’t grab me and a lot of time was spent on it. It felt like a typical ‘bad part of town’. It feels like the guy’s wife has been missing for a while if he’s had time to get used to this place so I wonder why the story is starting here at this moment. There’s no hint of it in this intro.
Votes: 1st – The Path of Odin 2nd – Flash Fall 3rd – Tradecraft Training Title: Flash Fall
*Edited because I didn't realize we were also supposed to vote on favorite title.
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited June 11, 2010).]
posted
Entry # 1 The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt The hook was great, but the rest of the opening didn't seem to be compelling. I didn't get a good sense of the time of Lindsay Peterson. Was it a hundred years ago or a hundred days ago. I didn't get the point of "what is happening to me?" when I don't know what is happening to her.
Entry 2 Tradecraft Training If this is the Lord of the Underworld, his first love has got to be pretty old. That took me right out of the opening. I'm not a fan of horror, but I think this was written well, in a melodramatic style.
Entry #4 Muriel I don't quite understand the nudity angle. Does she fight that way? Why is the rain dark red? Why is the rain carrying information? It starts out as fantasy and ends up as SciFi? I ended up a bit more confused than I should have been, although my confusion can be easily fixed with a nugget or two of info. I liked the concept.
Entry # 5 Sticking your neck out My first question is why men at the table would be filled with empty shot glasses? Do they throw the whole shot, glass and liquor, down their throats? Should that be light 'glittered' in her eye? The hook is fine, except we don't know the significance of gold. Why would that identify a vamp?
Entry 6 Flash Fall I had some problem with this. I think the scales thing threw me with the juxtaposition of plexiglass button. How can someone stand on a cloud? Even a dragon or some techno-suited flyer. The hook makes me want to read on because I am interested in how the MC gets out of this, because he must if he is to continue to narrate.
Entry 7 “Dark Plight” S/B 'with every breath' not breathe. I liked a lot about the scene, however it was cluttered with characters and names. Who is Carid? You've got Cadmar with this son, daughter and wife. And I guess her name is Aria and she's not an opera star unless she meant to say Candide! I would suggest that the paragraph with the spider be moved closer to the call for action. It might give the reader a bit more of a sense of her attack on the spider. As written, that is split between the Cadmar thoughts since it is right at the opening.
Entry 8 A Primitive Burden I am assuming Brynn is pregnant and in labor. Not having the opportunity to have a child (I delegated such things to my wife) I am at a loss to know what's happening. The blood in her nose and mouth are a distraction. I don't know what labor would be like in weightlessness. The taut roundness of her naked body doesn't tell us it is a huge rounded belly. Is she bound to her bunk? Such questions came up as I read and reread this piece.
Entry 9 Man of Darkness Dark (darkness, darkened)was too close together at the beginning and distracted. The opening lacks a hook, but I think the prose style may be very suited to a Big Easy mystery. I would probably take out the 'those he hunted took is wife' and get some kind of peril into the opening for Ricky to hook the reader.
Scoring: 1. Dark Plight 2. Muriel 3. Tradecraft Training Title: The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt
posted
Entry # 1 The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt
First line is too purplish. A single candle valiantly safeguarding the MC? That is some candle. The last line had a faint hook.
Entry 2 Tradecraft Training
This didn’t quite tip the creepy scale, nice effort though. The hook isn’t sharp enough for me. Missing ‘night’
Entry #3 The Path of Odin
Not a bad opening but it isn’t grabbing me. This needs more lines for me to decide if I’m hooked or not. Missing ‘night’ and ‘dark’.
Entry #4 Muriel
Not bad. The first line needs broken up, IMO. Not sure what is going on but it does have me mildly hooked. Missing ‘storm’ and ‘night’.
Entry # 5 Sticking your neck out
A stripper and a vampire? If it isn’t cliché, it should be.
Entry 6 Flash Fall
Opening paragraph is a hook by itself. I like where this is heading. I’m hooked. No ‘dark’ or ‘storm’
Entry 7 “Dark Plight”
It’s okay. Missing ‘night’ and ‘dark’.
Entry No. 8 A Primitive Burden
Interesting opening. I’m curious. Missing all three words.
Entry 9 Man of Darkness
Ooo, a mystery. Interesting. Missing ‘storm’ and ‘night’.
Seeing that almost everyone missed one or two words, I reread the rules. Important note to self, read the guidelines before you submit. That changes how I judge now.
First Entry 6 Flash Fall
Second Entry No. 8 A Primitive Burden
Third Entry 7 “Dark Plight”
Favorite Title Entry #3 The Path of Odin
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 13, 2010).]
I like the writing it was very descriptive, let me see the world, provided interest. I was in right up until the twist at the end, then that took was seemed a good story and made it seem trite. The old "the writing wasn't hers". Maybe I'm just jaded but you lost me there. Had all the elements, night, dark and stormy right up front.
entry 2
Dark is living up to his name. On the writing side some nice metaphors in there "walls painted with the screams", but overall if your gonna do something this dark you need to redeem it with something to like here otherwise it's just another slasher movie. Poe did this, but better building the suspense slowly. I saw dark, but is it day or night, No lightening flashing on the blades to highlight them.
Entry 3
This one was a little uneven for me. Started out really well in the first sentence, very descriptive I could feel it. Then followed with "I stood at the entrance to my cave staying out of the rain" Huh? He came to offer himself to the Gods, and he's just standing in the mouth of the cave watching it rain? I lost the emotion there. Crouching in fear, standing bravely facing the elements, OK, but just standing there? Then it picks up again, but by then I really didn't care. Liked the hook at the end though. All the elements there for all to see.
Entry 4
Good description and I liked the world you were setting up. I was a little confused by the shift from her lying naked and absorbing info (which I liked) and her setting up as an assassin, also interesting, but why is her ability to collect information in that manner important? By telling me she didn't need it, it seemed like a throw away, so I was asking myself why was it there. I got the requirements of stormy and dark and I could infer night from the searchlights.
Entry 5
Good intro, liked the little twist from the seedy strip joint to a vampire tale. There was enough there to make me what to read on to figure out how she was gonna get the gold. Stormy was there, very novel by the way, I got dark, but was it night or was this the lunchtime crowd.
Entry 6
Ok now I'm completely lost. If the intent was to confuse me you succeeded. There was some interesting individual lines in there but looking back through it I had a tough time figuring out where this was going. Seems like a little self contained story, but I didn't see the point. I got stormy didn't see dark or light.
Entry 7
Nice lead in. I got the feel of the place and nice descriptive lines in there. Little unclear about the last sentence, it appears there is either a misplaced word or puncutation in there so it lost a little steam at the end. Stormy and dark, but is it night?
Entry 8
Nice description, got the feeling of the setting really well, felt the fear and the senses. You had me right up until you got technical. I was ready for anything by Exo-Gestationsim. I would have preferred some other form here, like that was what THE WAY was to save us from. Explain the technical term later. I could see the elements here.
Entry 9
Mine
Scoring
1. Entry 5, Sticking your Neck Out
2. Entry 1, but I'm not gonna try to spell the title
3. Entry 3. Path of Odin
Title: Path of Odin ( I would have given it to number 1 if I could spell it)
Entry 2 - gruesome, but great. Criteria worked in in an interesting way. Reminded me a little of an evil Edward Scissorhands.
Entry 3 - Nice opening. I like the juxtaposition of the scenery flashing white to represent the current dark. Night was missing, but overall, good stuff.
Entry 4 - A nude assassin, does it get any better than that? It's my fav so far as it's the best overall hook for an impending story.
Entry 5 - Pretty slick combo of cliche's, Snapper. Also, very slick way of working in the criteria. Strip club...
Entry 6 - Well done. Criteria met, but I didn't get who was falling. =( A person or a dragon or an alien.
Entry 7 - The tense shifts felt odd and the typo caused this one to lose some points, but I definitely like that we're poised and ready for action.
Entry 8 - Waking cliche, but like Snapper, you'll lose no points for it on a challenge cliche. More nakedness... I like the way you folks think. Criteria met via turning lights on, cool. Exo-Gestationism - nice.
Entry 9 - Needs a storm. Humid could be replaced by it. I like the character and the sense of world he resides in. Nicely written.
1 - 4 2 - 2 3 - 5 Title: Tradecraft Training - not because of the words, but because it fit well with the story and was kind of a mini-hook in itself.
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited June 14, 2010).]
posted
Entry # 1 The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt
Good with the trigger. Kind of reminded me of Harry Potter--the blood quill and the diary of Tom Riddle. Well written within the dark and stormy night context with a good hook.
Entry 2 Tradecraft Training
Hmmm...could ya tell I just finished reading Hellbound Heart (Hellraiser) by Clive Barker?
Entry #3 The Path of Odin
Definitely meets the trigger. Thought the scenery flashed white sentence could be more descriptive. Not too long, maybe another descripter or something before white.
A sign? I chuckled, thinking 'Odin is already throwing thunder bolts--that isnt a sign? But author handled it well and with a good hook thrown in the mix too.
Entry #4 Muriel
Hmm. Well written with trigger weaved in. rain imparting knowledge, spiral towers, Council...I found myself in a fantasy world but was pulled out with 'ex-Marine' and left feeling more supernatural. Interesting though, and would definitely read on.
Entry # 5 Sticking your neck out
Well written, as most of these contests seem to be. Liked the unique spin (uggh sorry) on the Storm trigger. Silent creepy guy though? Seems like that would be a nightly occurence at such a place. Interested to see how gold equates to vampire. Would read on.
Entry 6 Flash Fall
Trigger elements weaved in nicely. The tense jarred me for a bit because instead of just reading the story I found my self going one word at a time to see if there were in tense inconsistencies. More a product of all the past tense stories right before it, me thinks. Written nicely but it reads more like a recurring nightmare than a genuine hook.
Entry 7 “Dark Plight”
A little weak on the trigger elements. I think there were some formatting inconsistencies that confused me--My love then Me without italics? The 'I twirled' sentence seemed long and gangly. Probably bounced out of my top three only because the others were better edited.
Entry No. 8 A Primitive Burden
Wasnt there a big discussion here a few months back about 'copper-tasting'? "In a disoriented haze"--I felt that could be stronger. Good trigger elements.
"No pain registered, but there was no one else aboard. Well, not exactly." This actually confused me a bit...not exactly pain or not exactly no one else aboard? Just seemed it good have better structure.
Not really hooked.
Entry 9 Man of Darkness
I liked how the trigger elements were met. Well written (very well) and the 'silent figure' really struck me as in line with the 'dark and stormy night' style. Little more of a hook and it probably would have been my first choice.
First Entry 1 The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt
Second Entry 4 Muriel
Third Entry 9 Man of Darkness
Favorite Title Entry 1 The Sacrosanctity of Myrddin Wyllt
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited June 14, 2010).]
posted
Axe and snapper, thanks for putting these together. For a newbie like me an excellent opportunity to see what works and what doesn't, as well a learning from seeing how others work a similar theme.
Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
Thanks everyone. This was really fun. Soon I hope to write the rest of Muriel's story that's bouncing around in my head, but I will have to come up with a better title.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
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