Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jubilation

This is topic Jubilation in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

This is my latest short story, submitted for your perusal. It is roughly 4100 words.

"Jubilation"

Kandra quickly closed the door and leaned back against it – trying to catch her breath.

“Mirana, the representative from –“

“Shh!” Kandra was cut short by Mirana, about five years her elder, “the dressmaker is here!”

She was standing in front of a tall, skinny man. Kandra had been in a hurry and hadn’t before noticed the spindly old man.

He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. Kandra didn’t like him; his smile gave her the shivers.

Ok, well it's kind of hard to get the essence of a story from the first lines, but there they are. The story is about how a small country celebrates their independence, and the Empresss who've lead them.

If you would like to read/critique for me, you can email me at ohanson@fit.edu or post your email for me and I will email you with the rest of the story.

Thanks!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You know, sometimes, because I use a smaller font and max the resolution on my display, 13 lines is a lot less than thirteen lines. But that was less than thirteen even if I set my display to 640X480 and use the regular font! Are you counting every carriage return as an extra line, or what?

No that this has anything to do with responding to your story. I just thought I'd mention it. Another thing that isn't related to responding to the story; "Empresss who've lead them" should be 'Empresses (if that's a plural, and if not then who've should be who's or who has) who have (there are times when contractions don't help) led (past tense of lead) it (a people can be referred to as "them" but a nation is an "it"--for stylistic reasons you might want to replace "it" with "the people").

Anyways, the story might be interesting to read, even though I only have about 6 lines to go by .

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Well, that was 13 lines from a manuscript format. Meaning, of course, 12pt font, Courier new, and using word wrap.

As for the EmpressEs, my apologies I forgot an "e".

Posted by ladyscribe (Member # 1478) on :

I would like to state on record that, I am a strong supporter of keyboard manufacturers taking full responsibility for defective letter placement.
(lol)
Corinna

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Here is an extended (read: real) 13 lines:

Kandra quickly closed the door and leaned back against it – trying to catch her breath.

“Mirana, the representative from –“

“Shh!” Kandra was cut short by Mirana, about five years her elder, “the dressmaker is here!” She was standing in front of a tall, skinny man. Kandra had been in a hurry and hadn’t before noticed the spindly old man. He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. Kandra didn’t like him; his smile gave her shivers.

Then Kandra noticed the dress he was holding. It was a flowing crimson dress, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty. Kandra thought it was the most beautiful dress she had ever seen, even if she was just a little girl. It took her breath away.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Hi, Rahl,
Each time I read your excerpt, I stumbled right at the beginning. I couldn't follow who was talking and wasn't sure if there were three girls in the scene or just the two. You have too many words and too many weak verbs in the piece, but what's underneath it all can be the start of a good story.

You can get rid of "quickly" and let "trying to catch her breath" do the work.

Writing "Kandra was cut short by Mirana" just lent to the who's talking/how many girls are there confusion. Better to use a stronger verb. If you put an exclamation point after "Shh," then "the dressmaker" needs to be the start of another sentence.

The way the old man is introduced, I wondered how Kandra could have missed him. You need to intoduce him quicker instead of describing him twice. "Tall, skinny" is too ordinary, but "spindly old" is great. I really liked the "gravely sunken face"--tying graves, sunken (as in the ground), and dour all at once.

"Kandra didn't like him" is better left to be surmised by his smile giving her the shivers. And, because of the "gravely sunken face," the shivers won't be construed to have a pleasant connotation as in shivers of delight. Unless you need to establish a past ongoing relationship, then keep the sentence but add something to allude to the past, like "Kandra had never liked him."

The weak verbs in the last paragraph don't do it justice. However, "sparkly and pretty" are great since the reader is about to learn that Kandra is "just a little girl," and the two words are properly juvenile to introduce her young mindset.

There are, of course, many ways for you to rework this, so this is just one example:

Kandra closed the door and leaned back against it, trying to catch her breath.

"Mirana, the representative from--"

"Shh!" Mirana, about five years her elder, cut Kandra short. "The dressmaker is here!"

In her hurry, Kandra had not noticed the spindly old man standing behind Mirana. He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile that gave Kandra the shivers, until she noticed the dress he held. Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, Kandra thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was just a little girl. It took her breath away.

All in all, you covered a lot of ground, really, in these few short paragraphs, giving the reader some action to bite into instead of static description. The empresses would be pleased.

(I wish this site did paragraphing.)
(I really have to stop this editing. )

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 20, 2002).]

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

You, my friend, are amazing. More later.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Oops. Dangling participle. Mea culpa.

quote:
Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, Kandra thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was just a little girl. It took her breath away.

Kandra was not crimson and flowing. Let's see...

Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, it took Kandra's breath away. She thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was only a little girl.

Better.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Ok, I just really read through what you said (sorry it took so long, I've been in the process of moving into my apartment) and it jives. I can understand what you mean by weak verbs. Too many "was"

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

You got it, dude.