Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Is my english acceptable?

This is topic Is my english acceptable? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Vic (Member # 1590) on :

I am in doubt if i should try to write a story in English or in Dutch (my native tongue). Best way to decide seems to me to paste the start of a story in english here. Please give me some feedback if my english is good enough to continue... or lousy enough to stop and restart in dutch.

quote:

Bladerunner Laboratory did credit to its name. Every now and then the fluorescent lights flickered. The once white tiled walls had brown, red and black substance all over. The huge iron tables in the middle of the lab room were stacked with chemistry-equipment, mechanical looking spare-parts and iron cages in varying sizes. The floor was made from concrete and sloped down towards the wall opposite the entrance. This wall had a line of nailed up windows. A small puddle of undeterminable liquid had formed there. All but one window was replaced by wooden partitions. If you would have been able to look through the remaining plastic window you would, three stories below, see a narrow and dark alley. A spider fled over the rusty frame below the window; footsteps were approaching towards the entrance of the lab.
A man and woman entered the corridor that led to the lab. The man was shabby, definitely hadn’t had a shave for a week. He wore grey jumpers and a filthy dark blue t-shirt. The t-shirt showed a blonde pinup and the word Texas in pink letters. The woman looked slim and fit. She wore a black uniform. She had her red hair in a tight tail, done with a light blue ribbon. In her left hand she held a black cap with a golden eagle insignia. Side by side they walked towards the door of the lab. Someone had used a spray can on the door to make a big cross and the words Bladerunner Laboratory.

[This message has been edited by Vic (edited February 18, 2003).]

Please do not post more than the first page (about 13 lines in manuscript format) of a story here on Hatrack.

Thank you.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 18, 2003).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Your English is okay, but this seems to be written in Third Person Objective. We've had a lot of discussions bout TPO, but generally works or fiction written in that POV don't sell very well, or at all, in the English market.

Posted by Vic (Member # 1590) on :

Thanks for the reply. I am happy you think the english is acceptable. Writing SF in dutch would have a very small audience, because most dutch actually prefer their SF in english. Also using another language forces me to think about the words and constructs i use. About the perspective.. I tried to keep some paragraphs TPO (as the text quoted above) and the other paragraphs Third person subjective (? if thats a style) but from only one characters inclination per paragraph to keep things simple. So sometimes the reader looks through my glasses (the writer) and sometimes the reader looks through one of the characters glasses (as if the character took the role of the writer).

I try to use quotes in the paragraphs were I am the third person if characters are thinking something or saying something.

I try to only use quotes in the paragraphs were i try to describe the scene as if i was one of the characters of the story for if a character is saying something. Not if he is thinking something.

Sounds familiar?

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Uhmmm...no. That doesn't sound familiar at all.

Is there a particular writer that you are emulating with this, or is this a completely novel system you've developed? I should probably take a look at it. I don't know if I'll be able to give useful feedback on the story, but at least I can probably get a better idea of what you're attempting with this POV style you describe.

Posted by Vic (Member # 1590) on :

This is an excerpt from a "Hendricco" paragraph:

quote:

In the dim light of the restaurant, sitting in the comfy chair, the sub commander looked strangely out of place. She looked tensed and stressed. Not the powerful women who marched into the lab today. Hendricco did not believe at all she was happy to taste the quality served here at New Varlong.
“How do you like your quarters?” he replied coolly.
Mayflower seemed to be immersed in the menu.
“Do you like the view on the park?” Hendricco asked.
Mayflower put down the menu and snapped: “No I do bloody not”, relaxed a bit and continued, “This place is bloody awful and my quarters are as filthy as your laboratory.”
“Ehuh” Hendricco nodded. She sure had nice and firm tits.

While this is an excerpt from a "Meagan Mayflower" paragraph:

quote:

Meagan sat on the edge of her bed, elbows on knees, chin in her hands. She looked out over the New Varlong parks. It was very early in the morning and the sun had just come up. The park looked almost like a surreal painting.
“But it is real, Meagan” she whispered to herself.

What i try to do in each paragraph is:

1. Stick to one point of view. One of the characters or the omniscient storyteller.
2. Try to descript things in the paragraph that the POV finds interesting. Not what I, the writer find interesting. (hard but possible)
3. Try to shift slightly the focus of detail and word-use describing the scene towards the language use and psychology of the POV.

I tried to copy OSC actually.

[This message has been edited by Vic (edited February 20, 2003).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Ah, okay. The initial post isn't in either POV though.

Posted by Vic (Member # 1590) on :

Exactly. The initial post was from my point of view.

So i guess i did not invent a new form of POV, heh?

Posted by Cosmi (Member # 1252) on :

i usually don't post in this section, but what the heck.

i think your English is excellent, but your description is a bit choppy. this may be a matter of personal taste, but i would recommend combining sentences.

jmtc

TTFN & lol

Cosmi

Posted by Simon Kelly (Member # 1625) on :

I'd have to agree with Cosmi here on the choppy writing. It's really good to use this in sections where action is coming thick and fast, as it emulates the quickened pace of breathing, but not here.

It looks like in this section you need to make the sentences flow into each other a little more. Make it sound like you’re running your eyes over something and describing it in one fluid description. If I may suggest this; try taking all the punctuation out of the piece, and then re read it slowly putting a comma where you need to take a breath. Then go back and replace each third comma with a full stop, and re structure the sentences as required.

It may help to take that choppy feeling away.

The English is ok, but check the words you are using to describe things. If you are using simple words then don't include words like "indeterminable", as it causes a pause in the reading much like a comma. This stops the reader from enjoying the flow of the piece.

Kind regards

Simon