Hatrack River Writers Workshop: *A Clean Slate*

This is topic *A Clean Slate* in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Infyrno on :

Ok... I understand that to some, I am starting to have the image of an "enemy" and I understand why (regardless of the fact that I do not agree with it). So, this next beginning of a story is something entirely different from my first one. I ask that you critique it if you will. If you think it's bad, say "it's bad" and please do not refer to diarrhea and fingers

I am just trying to get the opinion as to how my "style" of writing is a style that people will not care for. Any input is appreciated.

"The mind. Ah yes. That fat nerve that throbs in a Human's head, sending electrical signals from one point to another thus giving birth to what we call life. Sentience is an odd thing. It awe inspires the most profound and admired science professor. It boggles the thoughts of those who dare to enter such a behemoth of an intellectual abyss. It claws and tortures the very essence of our being while at the same time being the reason for that progress of astonishment. People say 'my' brain on occasions where they refer to it. However, if we are who we are and the brain belongs to us, then who are we? How can a person say something like that when it is 'our' brain that makes us what we are? It is 'our' brain that provides the thought patterns that give us the ability to be amazed at anything let alone the power that 'our' mind holds. It is ‘our’ brain that gives us the ability to fathom the concept of a brain, let alone the concept that it belongs to us. The infinite space. Within 'our' mind lies eternity. No sir. When it comes right down to it, we belong to the brain.

Tell me if you want the rest of what I have.

"Save the whales"

Vycye

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

Ok, it was interesting. I did kindof like it. But I'll ask the same questions I'm asking myself allot lately.

Where is it going? Maybe I would have to see more of it to understand.

This appears, assumption by the opening quote, to be a speach. If so then that would answer a few questions.

It isn't bad at all, but without a point of view, it seems more like an essay.

Tell you what, I'm curious, fire away.
thayes@medjet.com

Maybe what comes after will make it clearer.

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

If it's a speech by a slightly pompous professer or a similar sort of character, then I think it works.

If it's meant to be the opening of a first-person narrative, then I find the narrator slightly annoying, but I could live with it if the story is humorous.

If it's just the opening narration for a third-person story, then I think it's overblown. I probably would not read very far if it kept going in this style and was not clearly a parody.

Posted by Infyrno on :

It's the beginning speech of a person... Not a professor, but oh is he pompous... Ever so pompous. I know that this fits for the rest of the story. It's almost as if you were watching a movie and this speech goes on right before lots of cool music and the title pops up.

Sending now.

"You have a right to say as you wish just as I have the right and the wish to critisize you for having such a rediculously horrible opinion"

Vycye

[This message has been edited by Infyrno (edited July 19, 2003).]

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

Ok, after reading the whole thing, I have a few suggestions. First, break it down into smaller paragraphs. The concept is pretty good and it got my attention, but was a bit hard to read. Second, I think some of your description is a bit overkill. Try and avoid lines like these:

The reporter shifted uneasily in front of Him, hoping the one who could tell where you have been since to first breath of life you took with a simple glance would not notice the tension that a blind man could see stirring beneath the reporter's skin calling; beckoning for everyone to look at him and stare deep into his fear poking it and saying

Break it up, trim it down, it is very very long and I had to read it 3 times to get it strait.

Don't give up, but do try and look at the readability of it. Anything too long will tend to disrtact and loose the reader. Your opening did catch my attention, but a little work on making it easier to read would help.

It might also help to flesh it out a bit more. After the speach maybe thow in some narative about the situation. Once you have my attention I (and I would bet most others) would want to know why someone was listening to this speach. Yes, I do realize you were trying to do that, but it was somewhat confusing.

If you change it feel free to send a new version.

[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited July 19, 2003).]

Posted by Infyrno on :

Gracias amigo, etc..
And wow.. I hadn't noticed that sentence. Thanks for picking it up for me. Now that you brought that to my attention, I'm noticing it all over the place. Every one that I think I have found, I read it out loud and if I can't read it all in one breath, then it needs to be trimmed.
I'll get working on the rest and I will be sure to send it to you.

"He was as big as a horse that happened to have grown bigger than an elaphant!"

Vycye

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The question of POV is apt here, as is the question of narrative. I'm not really connected for the time being, so I don't ask for the rest at this time. But this is not narrative, and it is not in any recognizable POV. It doesn't appear to be intended to fufill either role, in fact.

The concept itself is a bit silly, since it involves the circular argument of asserting that there is nothing to the person beyond the brain, and that therefor the brain constitutes the entirety of the person. Whether or not this is true, it is hardly a profound argument. I can as easily prove that the earth is the center of the universe, or that chocolate is the only form of food that provides actual nourishment, or that Smurfs TM are actually white-skinned with blue clothing, not the other way around.

In short, it doesn't really hook the reader. If you want to develop the reader's interest in the story, start with a character that they are going to be interested in learning more about. We've all met several too many of the sort of pompous ass that would declaim the argument given, so why would we be interested in meeting yet another? Start your story with the antagonist of this guy.