Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Evidence of Things Not Seen

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Posted by pickled shuttlecock (Member # 1714) on :

I've just finished a science fiction short story (save touch-ups and fixing whatever glaring errors remain) called "The Evidence of Things Not Seen." It's 6561 words. I'd appreciate any feedback anybody's got on it.

This is 13 lines in my word processor, I promise.

---------------------------------------------

“Sweet Mother of God,” he said, leaning in toward the television screen. “How can he do that?”
“I told you,” said the other doctor.
“Well, yes. I know you told me. How does he move things around like that?”
“I have no idea. None of us has any idea.”
“How does his—”
“We've been passively scanning his brain activity all afternoon. Like I said, we have no idea. There's no detectible abnormality in any of it. That's why we asked you to come and give us your opinion. Another set of eyes.”
He sighed and looked up from the screen. “I'm afraid I can't help you here.”
“I'm sorry?”
“I can't help. I haven't got a clue where to start. What we really need,” said Dr. Peters, “is a priest.”

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

I'll give it a go.

thayes@medjet.com

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I promise you nothing, but I might read it.

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

I read it. And it is a good story. I think it could use a bit of touch up, but overall it was interesting and easily readable.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, it's well written. I still don't get the way it ends, though.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I'll take a look.

Posted by Infyrno on :

Send it my way, and Ill give you my highly valued opinion (which happens to be the only correct one on Earth)

Sylkra@aol.com

"Time and time again we see these creatures tear the fabric of what we know and love to ruins"

Vycye

Posted by Infyrno on :

Your story... Let's see here... Which one was that. Ah yesss.
Ok well, Pickle, I personally thought your story was very well put together. I thought it was a good idea and there wasn't a single time that I felt like it was a chore to read (as is often the case with my short attention span) I got the feeling that you were having quite a bit of fun writing it, and that came out in the story giving it the sort of vibe that you are having fun reading it. It was very powerful. I love endings where you are left hanging. In my opinion there should be a sense of wonder leaving with the reader. I hate the sort of endings where you cannot walking away and have opinion about what happens next because the writer gave it a resolution. Choas is, in my opinion the best way to wrap up a story.

The idea was good. The way that he dealt with the death and so forth was strong and seemed to come from an experience (which is a good thing for the reader to feel) Whether or not it is based on experience is irrelavent to the fact that it served as one of the key points in the story.

I love internal conflicts. I love it when you draw the reader into the mind and guide them in a walk through hell when touring the mind's forbidden thoughts, dreams, and memories.

Basically, I loved your story. The only thing that I would change are the names. I am not a big fan of common names. Names that you would truly name a child often bore me as you are not trying to bring the reader of reality for they get enough of that (I mena come on... They LIVE in it) You are tryingt o guide them through your world. And if the name "Tom" reflects your world and your the limits of your imagination... mrrr... I would suggest a name that you make up on your own. A name that you would not hear on the street. It could be a nickname of his perhaps? I don't know. In case you hadn't realized it yet, I am not exactly the best at critiquing. I lied when I said my opinion was highly valued (covers face) I'm so ashamed!!
Anyhoo... That's what I think.

"'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!'"

Vycye

Posted by pickled shuttlecock (Member # 1714) on :

I'll give that some thought. The only problem is that the names actually mean something. Maybe I can try some permutations...yeah, that'll work...

I didn't really like the names too well myself. (My wife forgot the main character's after her she first read it. That should have told me something, eh?)

Glad you liked it.

quote:
The way that he dealt with the death and so forth was strong and seemed to come from an experience (which is a good thing for the reader to feel)

The way that Tom dealt with death or the way that I did?

If it's the latter - I've spent quite a bit of time in that environment. I also did a bit of research on Usenet for personal experiences, believe it or not. (People post the strangest things there. Try alt.support.self-harm sometime for some wacky rollicking fun.) It's one of the few types of death where it's fairly common that people come back with minimal damage and can tell you about it. I lucked out - it's realistic because that's what it's actually like.

[This message has been edited by pickled shuttlecock (edited August 22, 2003).]

Posted by Infyrno on :

What I meant was that there are certain things in this world that you cannot create synthetically without it being pretty obvious unless you have actually experienced what it truly is like. You cannot express what it is like to lose someone you love unless you have gone through it and come out still ticking. Death is a powerful thing and it cannot be created simply for the enjoyment of others unless it is written in a way that actually makes the reader feel something other than burning eyes from reading for so long unless it is portrayed in a powerful and thought out way and the only way to successfully do thus, you have to know what it is like. The way that you wrote about death made me feel something other than simply burning eyes...

"Without those we love, life dwindles into but the simple act of living to survive which, in my opinion, is not life at all"

Vycye

[This message has been edited by Infyrno (edited August 24, 2003).]

Posted by pickled shuttlecock (Member # 1714) on :

Oh! Well...great!

I have a grand total of one experience with death, actually: my grandmother's. That one wasn't so sad as it was a relief for everyone (including her), because she had spent the last six months of her life in the aftermath of a stroke, in great pain and in a babbling stupor. I'm sure she didn't want to stick around much longer. (And we feel she probably wanted to get back to her Wally, whom she lost to cancer 30 years prior.)

What I did was try to imagine losing my wife, or my daughter, or my son - and the initial emotions were powerful enough that it was relatively easy to extrapolate what it must feel like to lose someone very close. I'm sure I don't want that experience any time soon. I'd probably be pretty much emotionally disabled for a long time afterward.

Telling me that my writing about a subject like that had such an effect on you is probably one of the best compliments you could pay me. Thank you.

Posted by Infyrno on :

Your welcome. And I am sorry for your loss, no matter how relieving it happened to be.

“I don’t understand how one can be so immaculately indulgent in sympathizing with me in my quandary whilst moreover seeing in the wake of what their very eyes do witness, my downfall, demise and ruin on their hands.”

Vycye