Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Helper, Please

This is topic Helper, Please in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

I would appreciate help editing parts of my book. Anyone who is interested in offering serious help, please contact me at yos@gis.net.

Oh, and here is the teaser: Feel free to offer advice on it in thread, although it is just a mere slice of the cake.

The woman supporting herself on a cane prodded Marion with a long boned finger. "You survived. Good. The odds were on your sides, after all. But customers… do have this nasty hobby of dying on me. Quite strange." She giggled, shaking her head of brilliant, almost painful to look at, blond hair.

Marion looked around. She was in a small curtained ward, with multicolored jars all over. Her chest and legs were tight, because she was in extremely tight and skimpy clothes.

"How'd I get here anyway?"

"Your friend, Ard is his name, right? No? Well, whatever he's called, he barged into my house, demanding that I fix you up. Now, I want you to understand that normally I would turn a guy like him into dust."

She snapped her fingers for emphasis. "Easy as that. Still, I was forced by certain realties, which I shall explain later, to accommodate you. I cured you; the rest you know."

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited October 21, 2003).]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Just a note. "Blond" is generally used for masculine; "blonde" for feminine.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Good enough, but you should make it clear right off that Marion is not expecting to find herself 'here' (whereever it is). Perhaps we should be treated to a brief description of the last thing she remembered prior to finding herself in this "small ward."

Also, the description of the blonde leaning on the cane needs to be a little more detailed, so that we can reconcile the fact that she is a brillant blonde with the cane and "long boned finger." I don't even know what that is supposed to mean.

In fact, more description overall would be good. Marion shouldn't even ask how she got there in the first thirteen lines, she should be busy noticing where she is before she worries about how she got there. And by the end of this passage, she still hasn't really noticed.

Take the surroundings. How big is small? What kind of multicolored jars? Does it look like a hospital ward? If so, then say so, and say whether those bottles fit in or not, and how exactly they do or don't. Take her clothes Does she usually wear that kind of clothes? How specifically did she notice them? Was it because she was having difficulty breathing, or because the straps were chafing or pinching her, or what?

Have Marion notice her environment and realize that she has no plausible explanation of how she got there from where she was before you have her ask.

If you think that the story is particularly good, then I might be willing to take a look at it.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Well, actually, this is from the start of chapter two.

Your point about the character, survivor, is quite astute, as the cane and bone are remenants from when the woman was an old hag (which I removed as old hag witches are too sterotypical[maybe my next evil witch will be a black schoolteacher, for diversity ]).

Your comments about the background, are also on target. You'll probably remember my phobia of using the word room--that phobia probably effected my amount of discription.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Affected, affected, not effected. It would only be appropriate to say 'effected' there if the phobia had caused you to use more description rather than less!]

And even then, it would still sound bad.

And what part of first thirteen lines does no one seem to understand?

[Hint, I italicized it]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Just scanning again

-- a couple more thoughts:

quote:
shaking her head of brilliant, almost painful to look at, blond hair.

This doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. It might be wise to condense it to something like “almost painfully brilliant blonde hair.”

quote:
Marion looked around. She was in a small curtained ward, with multicolored jars all over

See other threads, but “was” generally makes for static writing. Play with the words a little:
Marion looked around the curtained ward, where multicolored jars filled every available space.
Multicolored jars filled the shelves and jammed every nook in the curtained ward around Marion.
Marion stared at the multitude of multicolored jars that festooned the curtained ward. (Mmmmm...alliteration

)
Marion stood awestruck at the multicolored jars choking every cranny in the curtained ward. (Cccccrazy...alliteration

)
Of course, the full context will help determine your word choice, but like the song said, and with apologies to Johnny Cash, “Anything but Was!”

(I've been at this computer too long. )

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

Perhaps, if she doesn't know how she got there, you can use that sentence to show it.

'She couldn't remember how she got to the curtained ward, with its multicolo[u]red jars'

Or something like that.