This is aimed at a 10-12 y.o. target audience. Humor.
Joey stood there as calm as could be, watching the big red ant crawl down his thumb, over the back of his hand, around to the palm, up between two fingers, and so on, with Joey slowly tipping and waiving his hand so he could watch the ant crawl. We all gathered around, breathless with anticipation. The ant just kept going around and didn’t bite Joey. It stopped after a bit, and Joey put it back down in the dirt, and off it went. We were impressed.
My name’s Billy. Kurt and David are my best friends, and so is my sister, Amy. She’s two years older than we are, and is a lot of fun to be around. Amy gets the best ideas of any kid in the neighborhood, though she wouldn’t want to hear me say it.
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Thoughts?
HiJolly
Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :
Gosh! Except the for "as could be," which somehow doesn't fit, this is good stuff.
Posted by HiJolly (Member # 1855) on :
Thanks, and good point. How about this? ---------------------------------- Joey stood there calmly, watching a big red ant crawl down his thumb, over the back of his hand, around to the palm, up between two fingers, and so on, with Joey tipping and waiving his hand so he could watch the ant crawl. We all gathered around, breathless with anticipation. The ant just kept going around and around, never biting Joey. It finally stopped and Joey lowered it back down to the dirt. The ant took off as if nothing unusual had happened. We were impressed.
My name’s Billy. Kurt and David are my best friends, and so is my sister, Amy. She’s two years older than we are, and is a lot of fun to be around. Amy gets the best ideas of any kid in the neighborhood, though she wouldn’t want to hear me say it. I think that’s because she seem... -------------------------------
HiJolly
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
The transition between the first and second paragraphs was jarring. The first paragraph seemed to be written by someone much older than the second. Plus, Joey is not mentioned among Billy's list of friends, so there didn't seem to be a real connection between the two. He was watching an ant on Joey's hand, then all of a sudden he's introducing himself. Alone, neither paragraph is bad, but together I didn't think they worked.
Posted by HiJolly (Member # 1855) on :
Thanks, christine.
You're right on the money. In reality, I wrote the second para as the first in the story, and the first here was actually written a page and a half later. I pulled it up to become first so I'd have a more interesting opening.
Is that cheating? Or, more like, it just showed how my writing had evolved, and shows the inconsistency of the narrative. Dang.
Joey is intro'd at the end of the second para, but it's line 15 or 16. He is Billy and Amy's little brother. The whole opening is MUCH better, IMO, if you read both opening paras. But, with the 13 line limit...
HiJolly
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Actually, of the two, the one I'd cut would be the second (your original opening). It's pure exposition and doesn't move anything forward. It's in a child's voice, which is cute, and probably what a child would say, but it's still exposition and we don't know what's going on. Furthermore, it's not telling us who Billy is so much as who his friends are. I think the second paragraph should continue the scene with the ant.
There's no cheating. I move things around all the time, but you have to be wary of the consequences. The first run through often sounds more natural, and too much cutting and pasting can sound choppy.
Posted by HiJolly (Member # 1855) on :
Again, thanks. How's this (eliminating entirely the intro paragraph: ----------------------- My little brother Joey stood there calmly, watching a big red ant crawl down his thumb, over the back of his hand, around to the palm, up between two fingers, and so on, with Joey tipping and waiving his hand so he could watch the ant crawl. We all gathered around, breathless with anticipation. The ant just kept going around and around, never biting Joey. It finally stopped and Joey lowered it back down to the dirt. The ant took off as if nothing unusual had happened. We were impressed.
We’ve got two kinds of ants around here, the black ants and the red ants. You don’t want to mess around with either kind, ‘cause they both bite. The black ants are smaller and have a stinging, poisonous bite that raises a white bump on your skin. ---------------------------
HiJolly
Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :
Kid vocabulary is a funny thing. There's just no norm to really count on, at least when it comes to picking and choosing words. Some in the 10-12 range (not many, but I know a few) speak better and more clearly than many a bored high school student. And some, well, let me put it this way:
When I was 12, "The Bad News Bears" came out. It only two hours in a movie theatre for my vocabulary changed from normal by 1955 standards to normal by 2004 standards (my profanity was ahead of its time - I was always an innovator).
I'd say that getting realistic kid speech down on paper without making editors' ears burn may be one of thoughest things to do, writing-wise. Worse, kids make a terrific leap in language somewhere in-between 12 and 13.
That being said, just keep the sentence structure simple, and the vocabulary will follow. At least, I think so. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I've been noticing in the way my nieces (11 and 13) speak; simple sentences, complex thought but not too much subtlety, occasional big words, waaay too much manga).
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
My two cents is drop the "and so on."
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
The third version is much better. You keep things moving by focusing on the incident with the ants, building in the family relationship as you go along. Stopping everything to name characters is like pouring concrete on the story, and personally my eyes glaze over and I quite paying attention. Tell me names at the same time as you show me why these people are interesting, or if they aren’t going to be important, don’t tell me at all.
I also agree with dropping "and so on."
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Much better!
Posted by HiJolly (Member # 1855) on :