Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "October"

This is topic "October" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by rjzeller (Member # 1906) on :

Okay...from chapter 1 of my book. This "first 13 lines only" rule is a killer, as the intro is incomplete...but let me know what you think...
***

“You can hold on to something so tight, you’ve already lost it.”

Jack had heard that in a song once. The name of the song escaped him, but those words did not. He was standing on a section of scaffolding overlooking a football field where the school marching band was learning their drill. The sun was searing his flesh and the humidity was stifling his breathing. Soaked with sweat his shorts sagged. He could barely keep them up. That always seemed to happen when it was this hot out, no matter how much he tightened his belt.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

I only count about 6 lines there, you can post about twice as much if you want.

Other than that there's just not enough to comment on here. I don't see any glaring grammar or spelling mistakes except for comma usage.

"Soaked with sweat, his shorts sagged."

Post a few more lines and let's see if we can get any deeper into this.

Posted by rjzeller (Member # 1906) on :

continuation...(I guess I thought it was based on manuscript lines...the hard part is the real 'gist' of the SF element comes in much later in the chapter...so I guess I'm really concerned with how it works on it's own merits at this point.):

Maybe it’s time to quit this diet and give up trying to get in shape. She never seems to care anyway. Losing forty pounds in just a couple months should convince any woman that he was serious. But he just couldn’t live up to her standards.
Big deal. You’re only losing weight to impress that girl. That’s what she said. You just want your little darling to be happier around you. You get all googly-eyed when you see her.
She brought up Reagan several times. The child prodigy. Best marcher they had. Yes, Jack gave that kid a lot of attention, but nothing more than she deserved. Maybe Jack did talk about her too much. Maybe there was something more than simple admiration. But he didn’t look at her in the manner Gloria suggested.

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

I think the drop into present tense when you start reporting those thoughts is confusing.

I would try rephrasing them as reported thoughts...

quote:
Maybe it was time to quit the diet and give up trying to get in shape. She never seemed to care anyway.

Etc.

I think that would work better...

Posted by loggrad98 (Member # 1724) on :

The only thing that caught me was passive voice. Not sure of the effect you were looking for, but it seemed to slow the whole thing down a bit. A couple of exmples:

"He was standing on a section of scaffolding overlooking a football field where the school marching band was learning their drill."

Could be:

"He stood on a section....where the school marching band drilled (or practiced, etc.)"

"The sun was searing his flesh and the humidity was stifling his breathing."

Could be:

"The sun seared his flesh and the humidity stifled his breathing."

May give it a little more immediacy (is that a word?? =) to change to a more direct action style rather than passive.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

loggrad98, I agree with you rephrased sentences, they sound better and do make the situation more immediate.

However, those are not examples of passive voice. Those are examples of overuse of the verb "to be" which is often confused with passive voice.