quote:

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It was hunting for her, a ruthless force ready to annihilate her like it had Silvia. May screamed, abandoned her farming equipment, and started running desperately from it. But it was swift as the wind. It caught her. The pillar of blue light swallowed her. And then--

May awoke from the nightmare, screaming. Only a dream, she told herself, trying to control her hyperactive breathing. Only a dream. I'm safe. Unlike Silvia. No, she's gone. Terribly gone.

Outside the sun was rising, its light streaming into May's little house through a glass window. She sighed and started getting dressed. No point in mopping. Life had to go on, and all that.

Someone knocked on her door, shouting, "I have no time to waste; let me in at once!"

May paused. "But who are you?"

"The shaman, you fool."

Oh, yes. She had sent for a shaman, hoping that he would be somehow able to help save Silvia.

---

Please give me your opinion on this start to Sister of Deceit. Is it evocative enough, does it establish a link to the character, et cetra.

All help appreciated.

If anyone would be willing to put up with the whole first chapter, let me know at yos@gis.net.
 

There is still a problem with the setting being a bit general...you use terms like "farming equipment" and "little house" and so forth. I have absolutely no idea what the milieu is going from this description. It could be like medival France, pioneer America, or even a high tech future. The only clue is that a glass window is worth mentioning...which fits all three scenarios I just listed. Oh, and there's a shaman, which (with a different name and perhaps different dialogue) could also fit almost any milieu.

I should stop nitting about using the POV character's name as soon as possible in the text...but I also shouldn't. Because unless you have a brilliant reason for hiding the POV character's name (and I mean one that no human writer has ever thought of before), you should always intro a POV with the POV character's name as soon as possible. The only "exception" is amnesia stories, where the whole dramatic tension is that the POV character doesn't remember who he is. Even in that case (especially in that case), you need to figure out how to identify the POV character to the reader consistently and identifiably as soon as possible...which makes it more of a special case than an exception, I know (that's why I went back and put exception in quotes).

In this case, that doesn't touch the main issue, which is that we have no idea even after learning her name what sort of setting this is. I don't know whether this is taking place on a mountain, or plain, or in a forest, or what (I'm reasonably sure it isn't set in Waterworld, though).

As I said, I can't read the whole thing right now. But give us a setting, say what kind of farm equipment she's using (plow and ox? Solar powered grav-tractor?) and what kind of house (stone cottage? log cabin? pre-fab shelter dome?). And let us know something about the character other than "she fears death...like, a lot."
 

However, I'm not sure if this segement shows the character as being scared of death. Could any other readers give their view of May based on this?

Survivor: Feel free to take your time. I appreciate all the help you give me.
 

Rather than the amorphous ‘it,’ I’d be more drawn in if you named the evil at once: ‘The blue pillar of light was hunting May…’ ‘May screamed’ seems too bland, too ho hum, as if you’re trying to get us to care in too contrived a manner too soon. ‘Swift as the wind’ may be a little clichéd.

quote:

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She sighed and started getting dressed. No point in mopping. Life had to go on, and all that.

---

The exchange between May and the shaman needs some work. May seems a bit air-headed, and the shaman’s arrival too dry. I didn’t get that May was scared of death, necessarily, but of something, or was just greatly upset about Silvia – and I wasn’t sure yet if Silvia was dead or just gone somewhere.

 

I like this beginning better than your original. But you should go into more detail in your description of May's dream. Let us see what "IT" is she is running from.

If you can wait about a week I will take a look at your chapter. Go ahead and email it to me in .rtf or .doc format. I will try to go over it this weekend.
 

quote:

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The pillar of blue light was rushing towards May, a ruthless force ready to annihilate her. Terror clutched her heart. She dropped her sack of seeds, and ran desperately from the advancing light. But it was swift as a hawk falling from the sky onto its prey. It caught her. The pillar of blue light swallowed her. And then--

May awoke from the nightmare, screaming. Only a dream, she told herself, trying to control her hyperactive breathing. It was only a dream. I'm still alive and well.

Outside the sun was rising, its cheerful orange light streaming into May's stone house. She sighed and started getting dressed. The shaman would be arriving soon enough. Hopefully he would be able to help.

Someone pounded on her door, shouting, "I have no time to waste; let me in at once!"

"You're the shaman?"

"Yes."

"Many thanks for coming," she said, opening the wooden door. "I appreciate it greatly."

---

I decided to leave the reader in suspense as to why she's having this nightmare and hired the shaman. The answer (that Silvia vanished) will come in the next couple of paragraphs.

Thanks again for all the help.

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 19, 2004).]
 

I don't know about May but when I wake up from a nightmare I usually spend at least 10 minutes trying to calm down enough to go back to sleep. Moods rarely swing from scared to depressed/moping in a matter of minutes. It usually takes quite a bit of thought for someone to drop into a depressed state. I'm not seeing that thought process taking place.

I think the dialouge with the Shaman is okay if you set up for it a little bit better.

Overall though you have an interesting story but you really need to describe what's happening, where, and why in order to hook me.

Hope that helps

[This message has been edited by RillSoji (edited February 19, 2004).]
 

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The pillar of blue light was rushing towards May, a ruthless force ready to annihilate her. Terror clutched her heart. She dropped her sack of seeds, and ran desperately from the light. If it caught her, she knew something horrible would happen.

Still running, she turned her head back. The light was far away from her. It had no chance of catching her. But then, as she watched, it sped up until it was swift as a hawk: a hawk diving from the sky onto its prey.

The space between them rapidly shrunk. It would be a matter of moments before the light captured May. She stopped running and looked right at it. There was no way she could escape. "Do your worst," she said. She would not die fleeing, that was the coward's way.

The light engulfed her. It swallowed her. And then--

May awoke from the nightmare, screaming. Only a dream, she told herself, trying to control her hyperactive breathing. It was only a dream. I'm still alive and well.

---

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 19, 2004).]
 

I'm currently procrastinating on starting the next chapter of my novel and I'm nearly finished with the book I'm reading, so if you want to send me something I'll probably look at it. Best if you use my work e-mail at the moment (jules at acris dot co dot uk, with the obvious changes) because my personal address is getting hundreds of viruses every day. :-(
 

And jettison the "And then--" It's very phony-sounding. Makes it seem like you tried to play a joke on the reader. Try taking the reader through that disorienting period between nightmares and wakefulness.

 

Version 4

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The cloud of sparkling blue light was blasting at May, a magical force eager to kill her. Terrified, she froze, watching it come at her in a sort of slow motion. Then something inside of her clicked. If she didn't escape, she'd die horribly. Dropping her bag of crop seeds, May started running.

Still running, May turned her head back. The light was far away. It had no chance of catching up with her. She was safe. But then, as she watched, it somehow doubled its speed, becoming fast as a hawk diving down onto its prey.

The light was going much faster than May. She was already running her hardest—it would soon catch her. She stopped and glared directly at the cloud of light, refusing to flinch or move one step further. She would not die fleeing; that was the cowards' way.
The light engulfed her. It swallowed her. It--

May's eyes slammed open. She was lying in bed, her throat hoarse from screaming. Rubbing the sweat off her face, May blinked several times. Only a dream, she told herself.

---

Try again, I guess. Then if it doesn't work, try ackackackack@go.com.

Thanks.
 

This is how the first version (and all subsequent versions) read to me, paraphrased: things happenings to someone i don't know, she's afraid of something (the later versions were better at describing what that something might be and increasing the fear) and then....A DREAM? What kind of cheap *@#$@#$ is that?

In my humble opinion, dreams need to be used carefully and sparingly in works of fictione. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, our understanding of how dreams work and how they relate to our real life circumstances is shaky at best. The truth is that almost all dreams come across as contrived for this very reason. I remember many of my dreams, and almost none of them make as much sense as the dreams I read in fiction.

Second, dreams read like a cheap trick to increase the action without actually putting anyone in danger. I'm not saying I haven't woken up sweating from a nightmare before (although half the time I don't remember what frightened me so badly), but there was no real danger, and the reader knows that. In fact, the only one who really doesn't know that is the person having the dream, but she's not the one whose emotion you are really interested in influencing. You want the reader to feel that emotion.

And finally, while dreams have their uses in stories, I would never START with one. The reason for this is that you have already shown me that you are deceitful as a writer, making me think something bad was happening when it wasn't, and I will trust you less as I continue to read. Gaining the reader's trust is important, or they will never believe and enjoy your story.

So that's my two cents, take them for what they're worth.
 

Have May wake up first, then have her remember the nightmare...it isn't like there's much of it to remember, after all.
 

quote:

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Two burly farmers tramped into May's house, carrying May herself in their hands. Making hardly any noise, they dumped her onto a bed. They stared at her, looking at the wild expressions playing across her face.

The taller one spoke eventually. "What'd you think's wrong with her? She sure is sleeping tight."

"Dunno. Could be anything, really."

"Hmm…." The farmer stroked his
beard. "Maybe it's the plague, or something of that sort?"

"You think so?"

He nodded slowly. "Could be."

Without a single word more, they both left.

May moaned loudly, almost rolling off the bed. Her eyes fluttered open, then closed back again. Pure terror radiated from her.

The cloud of sparkling red light was blasting at May, a magical force ready to kill her. She froze, watching it come at her slowly.

---

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 28, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 28, 2004).]
 

Look, why do you need the dream 'format'?

If you mean that later she is going to have a lot of dreams, that's fine. Just establish that she's started having a lot of dreams. If you mean something weird like every POV sequence is going to kick off with a dream, then forget it. Not a good idea. I sometimes have characters have dreams that reveal important information about their past or future...but I don't need to kick off the first POV segment inside a dream to do it.
 

*Swallows pride*
Thanks.
*Returns to work.*

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited February 28, 2004).]
 

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John woke in the stygian black of a cool night, jarred by the lurching progress of the wagon train over the rocky trail. For a moment he thought that he was going home, his coffin making its way over the mountains of West Virginia, before he shook off the remnants of dream and oriented himself.

---

Now it can be very simple to clue the reader into a dream. For instance, you can have the character lose consciousness or simply go to sleep at the end of a scene, then begin the next scene in an unlikely setting with strange events going on. Once the reader has been introduced to the character's POV and the milieu of the story, the dreamlike quality of a well written dream should be obvious.

But if you begin inside a dream, then the reader has no clue that the events aren't simply part of a fantasy setting, and if the POV is vague and surreal, it will seem to be a simple weakness in your writing. But when the character wakes up most readers won't react by saying, "Oh, I see, the weak POV and over the top strangeness were because this was a dream sequence...how clever, I look forward to reading the clear, realistic narrative that will now follow." Your readers will react much more the way Christine did..."things happenings to someone i don't know, she's afraid of something...and then....A DREAM? What kind of cheap *@#$@#$ is that?"

You have to start by building the readers' trust that you'll play fair...then, when you push their buttons a little, they'll stay with you.