Hatrack River Writers Workshop: how's this

This is topic how's this in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Doug_khs (Member # 1961) on :

There’s a dead man in front of me.
I had no part in taking this man’s life. I’m a little disappointed in that, but that doesn’t erase the fact that he is dead. I’ve tried to discern what caused the death of this man. There are scratches and bruises on his body, as many as are to be expected, anyway, but no mortal wounds.
He lies on a raised stone table, clothed and scrubbed in the middle of this dank, cold forest. The look on his face is almost passionate and his black curls have been combed.
He’s left this small leather bound book which recounts the journey that has brought him to this place. Part of the story I have taken part in myself. But, alas, the end is missing. Of course, he cannot tell me of his death because, frankly, he was dead. I scratch the crusty stubble on may face and rub my eyes with the heels of my palms.

Posted by Astyanax (Member # 1990) on :

Interesting. I like how your character is realistic-acting and the description is interesting. Your description of the surrounding area is good. The thirteen lines read like realism, no frills, no romantisism.
Well done,
Please rate my story 'Hector's Son'
With all do respect,
Astyanax

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

This is an intriguing way to begin. In this case I will forgive the first person present tense because it seems as if he is writing in the leather bound book and so it makes sense (I shudder at entire stories told in first person present, as if a person carried around a little leather book and constnatly write in it.

) The only thing is that the present tense is not consistent.

"Of course, he cannot tell me of his death because, frankly, he was dead. "

Also, I didn't like this sentence:

"I’m a little disappointed in that, but that doesn’t erase the fact that he is dead."

It just feel awkward. Also, you tell us again that he's dead, we don't need to hear it again. If the guy wished he had killed the guy, that's interesting, perhaps you should even try to find a way to put that information in the second sentence: "
I had no part in taking this man’s life."

Those are my nits.

Posted by Hendrik Boom (Member # 1991) on :

Quote: "he cannot tell me of his death because, frankly, he was dead."

I took this to mean that he was unable to write his death into the notebook.

I also took the repetition of dead, death, etc., and the awkward sentence structure as telling us something about the character -- that he's a but obsessive compulsive and given to dwelling on facts that are of emotional importance to him. It also conveys his difficulty in accepting that corpse in front of him, and gives a hint of something unnatural -- but whether the unnatural element cause his death of is just the things people do to bodies at funerals in quite open.

I once tried writing some diary extracts from one of my characters -- and discovered that he couldn't write. I had to abandon that approach.

Posted by Doug_khs (Member # 1961) on :

Thanks guys,
This is my first foray into first person so I'm kind of seeing how it goes.

I appreciate the input.
Doug

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Heaven help us.

You're first forey into first person should be a non-fiction piece, autobiography and not necessarily for publication.

Write that, then come back to this.

Posted by jpwriter (Member # 1987) on :

quote:
He lies on a raised stone table, clothed and scrubbed in the middle of this dank, cold forest. The look on his face is almost passionate and his black curls have been combed.

I would take the above and put it after the first sentence. This would serve to put me fully into the scene before you give his thoughts about the dead man.

quote:
Part of the story I have taken part in myself. But, alas, the end is missing. Of course, he cannot tell me of his death because, frankly, he was dead.

The first sentence does not immediately cause me to think he is referring to the journey recounted in the small leather bound book. I do not connect "story" to the above recounting of journey.
The Of course,... sentence has been commented on and I concur with Christine that this needs to be changed. It is redundant and I think the story would work very well with it stricken altogether. After all, the reader will know he didn't write the end. The end is laying on the table.
The above is my opinion and may well be worth every penny you paid for it.
Jerry