Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Spoken 13

This is topic Spoken 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000241

Posted by FiveSides (Member # 1988) on :

The Beginning

Log, rock, damn. Jim rolled his ankle on a rock protruding proudly through the beaten trail. The threatening cries drifted through the air like a dream, telling of foreboding events. There was no fear, no shock, just a hardened determination in the eyes of Jim Fontaine.

He knew he would have to run, he counted on it. Seven minutes earlier Jim came acrost three young highschoolers in a heated conflict with a another young boy. The boy was on the ground being kicked, cursed and on the brink of death.

With a thick stick, Jim charged, cracked a head. Big boy brandished a knife. Dodge! Flesh wound, right arm, Jim knew. He had to leave the beaten boy. That dead look...

~James
run and carry a big stick, even better!

Posted by Hendrik Boom (Member # 1991) on :

quote:
rolled his ankle on a rock protruding proudly

I've never heard the word "rolled" used with this meaning before. Maybe this is because Emnglish is my second language, but just what does it mean?
And the phrase "protruding proudly" draw my attention to the mind and attutudes of the rock. I suspect this is not what you want me to pay attention to in the first 13 lines. Otherwise, a vivid image, but perhaps in the wrong place.

quote:
the eyes of Jim Fontaine

Instead of the simple "his eyes", this lengthy phrase places his name front and centre in my attention. It made me wonder if there is something significant about the name, something I should recognize and read mening into. If you wanted to include his last name for future reference, you could have used "Jim Fontaine" instead of "Jim" in the first sentence.

quote:
, he counted on it.

This sounds as if he had some purpose on having to run, instead of in just running.

The rest works for me. I didn't even notice the typo (acrost) on first or second reading.

Posted by Gen (Member # 1868) on :

I was wondering about the order: you're going into a seven-minute flashback from the first paragraph. The scene with the boy might have more impact if you put it first, if we didn't know Jim was going to be running away. It's a scene with some vivid possibilities, especially if we're wondering about the end as we read it.

I also felt like you used a lot of adjectives, and that the feel of the piece might be stronger with fewer modifiers. Something that works for me when I catch myself putting in a lot of extra adjectives: try crossing out every adjective and adverb, and then only allowing them back in when you *really can't see* what's going on without them. (Or the Twain solution for intensifiers that don't intensify: change every one to "d*mn" and let the editor kill them all.) In particular, the phrase "protruding proudly" make me think of a physical description in a shady romance novel.

I'm intrigued by the fact that your main character knows he can't save someone, which isn't something writers generally do in short stories. It's an interesting way to start, especially in speculative fiction where so many protagonists seem to shade towards the larger-than-life.

Posted by danquixote (Member # 1949) on :

... although, if you are going to give us a 7-minute flashback, I'd say

"Seven minutes earlier Jim had come across."

I agree with Hendrik's Jim Fontain comment, I'd put it at the beginning, or in place where the pace is more leisurely.

quote:
telling of foreboding events

I don't think you need this phrase. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're telling your reader that you're foreshadowing. If you are foreshadowing events later in your story, I think you can let the drifting, threatening cries foreshadow w/o calling attention to it.

If, on the other hand, you're showing he's afraid of being caught by these guys, i.e if the threatening boys catch him, he's likely to die - I don't really know that "foreboding" is the right word.

I may just be confused about what "foreboding events" are supposed to be.

Overall, though, I think this is a nice opening. The pace of your writing matches the action, and I certainly would want to see where this goes.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

What, exactly, are you looking for here?