Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13: A Dream of the West

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Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Hi guys,

below are the first thirteen lines of my fantasy novel, A Dream of the West. Let me know what you think and if anyone is interested in reading more, let me know and I'll send on the first chapter (and anything else on request).

quote:

Antinon's funeral pyre lit up the night. Jareth stood on the hill as the fire billowed out in the breeze, his eyes bright with unshed tears. The last priest east of the Mother's Back was dead and there was no one to take his place.
"You are the only one there is," the old man had scolded whenever Jareth failed to grasp the Font of the Gods in his prayers. Frowning, he closed his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the stiffness in his limbs from the hours he had spent kneeling in prayer, trying to shut out the feeling of dismay to which he had grown so accustomed as to expect when Al-V'Annin's light evaded him
He could fancy he heard Antinon's voice even now, an echo of a life forever changed.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I like the premise you are setting up here.
But...

First, "...an echo of a life forever changed." I don't know about this line. It is a line that I would think would lead to some future event, rather than refer to a past event. It doesn't fit a dead man.

Second, the middle paragraph is a little fuzzy on who is thinking or saying what and when the action is taking place. I'm not sure if Jareth is stiff while he is watching the funeral pyre burn or if he is backflashing to past times when he was often stiff from fruitless prayer.

Posted by Eric Sherman (Member # 2007) on :

It seems like this is too powerful of a scene to introduce the charcter. It depends on how long this story will be. If it is to be a novel or novella, I'd start before this event and lead up into it. If its a short story or if this event isn't very pivitol(sp?) try mentioning it in the story as an event that had already passed. That's jsut my opinion though.

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Hi guys

Thanks for your comments.

Dakota, I will definitely have a look at the second paragraph. There was some heavy editing which probably accounts for the fuzziness.

I'll also try and clarify the "echo of a life forever changed." Antinon's death has changed Jareth's life - the echo is his memory of Antinon's voice. Perhaps if I move that sentence before Antinon's voice it might make more sense(?)

Eric, I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Could you explain a little more?

This is indeed the beginning of a novel and it is a pivotol moment, although not the main thrust of the chapter. It is not the moment where everything changes for Jareth, but it leads to that moment. (Not sure that sentence makes sense outside my head!)

Many thanks again
Ruth

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

I didn'thave any trouble following the middle paragraph...although I can see why you would. I'm not understanding why this can't be an opener...actually I thought it worked quite well as as opener. We start with a young man burying his mentor....now he's alone in the world and we feel certain that some interesting things are about to happen to test how well he listened.

All in all I'm going to say this opening worked for me.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, I think it works too. Good prose, solid visual, internal action that reveals character, conflict up front. I particularly like the way you introduce the East/West duality up front, it implies the whole milieu in just those words, "The last priest east of the Mother's Back was dead and there was no one to take his place." I'll take a shot at the first chapter if you like.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

The 'life forever changed,' seems attached to Antonin, rather than to Jareth. Try: "He could fancy he heard Antonin's voice even now, an echo from a life long gone, a life that had been forever changed by the old man's words. (You then might want to follow with a remembered quote)

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Hi guys

many thanks and sorry about the delay in posting back - I had Friday off to do some writing (no less) and didn't check the site while at home.

Very helpful crits - thank you.

Survivor, I would love to send you the first chapter. Is Word format ok or would you prefer an rtf?

Regards
Ruth

Posted by Eric Sherman (Member # 2007) on :

Im not sure how to explain what I mean anymore than what I've said already. Just diregard it. Everyone else likes it. <grin>