(Edited based on comments)
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"Revealed"
Rohanir looked between the window and the file photo on the viewscreen, comparing the sky on her own planet, Telba, with the sky on Earth.
She shook her head in wonder. “Their sky is so blue.”
This was not what she was supposed to be doing, but the rich blue of the sky in the photo had caught her attention. It was so unlike the pale eggshell that hung outside on Telba.
Her gaze drifted down the screen to the human turning a pot in the foreground. Silhouetted against the sky, it was easy to imagine that he was telban. The few subtle differences between the species vanished in the backlight. Though Rohanir knew that this man was a primitive version of her, he still seemed strangely natural.
She was about to move further into the file when Kassan arrived. Her awareness shifted from the screen to her husband’s entry, even as she pretended to work.
“Roha?”
“I’m in the study.”
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 14, 2004).]
But sure, I could read a few pages.
Sounds like you have a good start going. Just a nitpick, but mabye you could open it with '“Their sky is so blue.”'. Its porbably just a style issue, since I like opening my stories with dialouge, or at least spoken word.
I thought Survivor's comment was pretty self explanatory. Do you have a cat or a dog? I'm watching my cat right now, he's exploringa nd hunting, and you know what? He goes nose first. When you approach a cat, you should offer your hand first for them to smell it, because that's how they identify you. Cats are not typically seen to be as highly evolved as humans, but their sense of smell is far better and much more a part of them. It would be worse for a cat to lose their sense of smell than their eyesight. Humans, as the most highly evolved animal on the planet, seem to have lost their sense of smell somewhere along the line. That's not to say that a different species on a different planet might not have lost their sense of smell, but it's not a bad observation to make that smell is an old sense, not one that would be more highly developed in an advanced species.
What sound does a tht make, exactly? I'm having trouble prnouncing your main character's name.
The first paragraph, to me, goes the wrong direction. I find I don't really care what she was supposed to be doing, I'm far more interested in the differences between her planet and earth, and I think you should go with that.
I am really confused by the line "Not like the pal eggshell that hung outside..." I thought she was on earth, looking up at the sky, and commenting that it is blue. Then you say there is a pale eggshell sort of color outside and I'm just not sure what you mean.
When you introduce Kassan, a word or two describing their relationship would help. Nothing big just something like "her mate, Kassan, arrived" or "her brother, Kassan, arrived" you see that I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this man.
I'm with Eric. Starting with that one line of dialogue, then going into the "Kalithtan looked..." reads more stylistically pleasing. To cement the POV, though, I'd add 'She knew' to "this was not...."
A little confusion for me, too, about the eggshell hanging outside. If it's only the sky above Kalithtan, rather than the Earth, specify 'the pale eggshell hue' or 'haze' or something.
If you're not in a hurry, you can send it here, too.
The "tht" sound comes at a syllable break so it would be "Ka-lith-tan" but I should change her name or Kassan's. Looking here, I'm suddenly aware that I started both names with a 'K' and end them both with 'an'. Surely an OSC no-no. And the freakin' planet starts with a 'K' too! Oy.
Smell - in the story, farther in, one of the plot points is that the kelbans are an engineered race, created from human stock. All of their senses were heightened. BUT, this may not be the place to start introducing that. Actually, come to think of it, there's nothing in the story as it stands now that depends on her having a heightened sense of smell. Cut it?
The paragraph about what Kali was supposed to be doing is actually masking some exposition that I need later. I'll look to see if I can fit it somewhere else.
Thanks, you've given me much food for thought.
Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 14, 2004).]
Maybe Kalith'tan to help with the pronunciation? Just a thought...
Mary
quote:
Smell - in the story, farther in, one of the plot points is that the kelbans are an engineered race, created from human stock. All of their senses were heightened. BUT, this may not be the place to start introducing that. Actually, come to think of it, there's nothing in the story as it stands now that depends on her having a heightened sense of smell. Cut it?
Absolutely.
OSC has said that if you can get rid of something without changing the story in any significant way, then you should get rid of it. Only the things that really deserve and need to be in the story should be included.
Especially in short stories. In novels, you can throw in things for "color" and so on, but in a short story, everything in there has to have at least one very good reason for being there (and most things should have more than one good reason).
(Poe also said such stuff, by the way.)
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 14, 2004).]
Mary
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ROHANIR is working on her thesis about Earth. Her husband, KASSAN is asked to infiltrate a group called the First People Movement (FPM) who want to Reveal Telba’s existance to Earth. Her sister, AURIELLE, receives an assignment to Earth. Two years later. Rohanir is increasingly bitter about Earth because of Kassan’s continued absence. She finds out that Aurielle is in love with a human, TOM. This becomes the focus of all of Rohanir’s frustration and hate. On Earth, Aurielle gets hit by a car. Rohanir goes reluctantly and meets Tom, discovering that Aurielle has Revealed to Tom without permission. Rohanir opens a blocked set of memories in Tom’s mind, reliving the day when Aurielle told him that she wasn’t human, and that telbans had been engineered from human stock thousands of years ago. Despite Rohanir’s dislike of him, she needs his help to Heal Aurielle. After healing Aurielle, Rohanir realizes that Aurielle has joined FPM. Aurielle’s knowledge of Kassan means that his life is in danger. Rohanir leaves the room, furious. Tom then asks Aurielle to restore all of his memories, upset that their relationship is built on a lie. She does and they come to an uneasy understanding. Aurielle asks Rohanir for forgiveness and is told to ask again when Kassan comes home. Rohanir arrives home, where Kassan is waiting for her, safe.
I'll let you know whether that holds true for the text itself, but the lack of an ending may be the reason you've having trouble.
It is the ending of the story that determines whether anything in the story "fits". Anything that doesn't advance the story should be cut. "To advance the story" means "to move towards the end of the story." If you don't have an end, then nothing can advance the story because there is no end towards which you can have motion.
As I said, I'll let you know more after reading the current text.
Yours,
Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 17, 2004).]