Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Will You . . . ? Children's verse

This is topic Will You . . . ? Children's verse in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Scott R (Member # 1353) on :

I'm experimenting with light verse. Here's the latest:

Will you. . . ?

Will you sing me a song of Canterby Downs
While we wait in the mall as mom shops around?
Will you play the part of Jikskizzle the Gloop
While I conquer kingdoms as brave Captain Shoot?
Will you build me a treefort from old lumber and nails
And rebuild it again when the secret door fails?
Will you shout with me loudly outside in the snow
And wonder, come springtime, where snow-monsters go?
Will you swear on your life to keep secret the place
Where we buried the treasure of Morty Pig-face?
Will you shimmy and sway to the grocery store beat
And amidst the potatoes, swing me head over feet?

Would anyone like to critique the whole thing?

[This message has been edited by Scott R (edited May 31, 2004).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I'm game. But a question.

Are Jikskizzle, Captain Shoot and Morty Pig-face popular children's characters from some book or show I've never seen? And explain the reference to Canterby Downs. Is it someplace I should know about?

Posted by Scott R (Member # 1353) on :

No-- Jikskizzle the Gloop, Canterby Downs, and Morty-Pig Face are all made up names, not otherwise known in any type of media, except for the narrator's imagination.

Posted by Alias (Member # 1645) on :

Note: On first glance I ready "Canterby" as "Canterbury" - and so fallaciously connected your reference with the Canterbury Tales ... yeah ... problems.

Posted by lindsay (Member # 1741) on :

I'm liking this. A lot. In fact, I'd read it the other night, and wanted to think about it before I responded...and darned if it didn't stay in my head!

The names of places, etc. didn't bother me, and I wasn't trying to connect them with any place or person or other story. Instead, they created a feeling of "fun secrecy" in me - something I like to find in childrens books. They also created an instant image in my mind of two brothers; one older, say, a teenager, and the other about 5, as they wait around for their mother. The 5-year-old is asking his older brother "Will you...?" (I could be totally wrong with all that, but I loved it as I saw it!)

If it doesn't go too long, I could see this as a beautifully-illustrated childrens book - showing on one page the spaces/places to where the youngest has been transported by all the games his older brother reluctantly?/dutifully? (but always lovingly!) plays with his brother while Mom is busy.

It reminded me - in tone - of the book I LOVE YOU AS MUCH...

I like this!

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

OK. I like the rhyme scheme. I like the meter. I like the idea. I like, I like, I like. BUT, I still have a problem with the unknowns. The Canterby, Jikskizzle, Captain Shoot, Morty Pig-face. I feel either that a) these are people and places I should obviously know about from some other source or that b) I'm being left out of an inside joke. Neither of which endear me to the poem. EVERYTHING else I loved.

Having said that, if, as lindsay suggested, this is setting up for a picture book then perhaps these things could be cleared up in the illustrations--think Dr. Seuss who comes up with incredibly outlandish creatures that he never actually describes in words but that are made real in the pictures.